Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

i dont think this has anything to do with your partners parents relationship with your DD i think its about your relationship with them!

Of course it is, that’s my daughter and it’s hurting her, I’m and adult, I don’t care if they don’t like me.

Well that's a huge drip feed. If you'd said that at the start you would have got different comments I'm sure.
I'll change mine to:
You can't expect them to behave like grandparents, and it's actually better for everyone that they don't. You need to help your child understand this.
You can expect them to be kind and chatty to her. If they're being unkind and won't mend their ways, stop taking either of your children to see them.

if you don't like them and they don't like you.. why are you forcing a relationship on your DD with them and vice versa? if anything get angry at her actual bio grandparents, even if they do live 1000's of miles away.. she should still have some sort of relationship with them! facetime, whats app, whatever communication tool you feel is suitable!

have they always disliked you? even before the other child was born? or has something happened recently?

The only way to possibly even this up is, in the absence of your older child’s father, to consider adoption? The GPs may still treat them differently, but at least then your DP would be in a position to take them up on it.

Sadly people generally don’t look upon step children as family - I ws raised from the age of 3/4 by my step father, with whom my mother had two more children. They had a messy divorce and I distanced myself while at university. Afterwards I reconnected because I loved my (half-) sisters and step dad who always made a big song and dance over the fact that he loved me and thought of me as his own. When lock down happened contact became limited and it has take me the last five years and DSD’s 70th to realise that’s not really true. It’s a story they all, half sisters included, tell themselves because to consider themselves so cold as to not feel about me - and more importantly my kids - the way they feel about each other. My kids have autism/ADHD needs - so do both my sisters and a recent half brother my a later marriage. I assumed they’d be there, that they’d care, that they’d want to support us. Zilch. No calls, texts, recognition of birthdays and exam milestones. They simply do not give a fuck unless they need numbers for a family birthday BBQ. They won’t acknowledge it, but I went NC in August and had one text from one of my half sisters.

Am heartbroken as I realise that I have always been trying to be good enough - doing degrees (and currently a PhD) because they are highly educated professionals and I wanted to be deemed worthy. But I am done with the lot of them as noone was there when my eldest was having a breakdown and not a single one of them checked in on my son after GCSEs this year. I don’t need them.

so, I would accept that unless your DP formally assumes the father role with adoption (mine didn’t) you have no power to insist your eldest is treated the same. And in that case, you need to do a lot of work to ensure her self esteem is strengthened and not linked to the step family. And then, because your youngest may not understand your protective stance, you will need to work on your relationship with your youngest to ensure she does not feel you love your oldest more. As I grow older I have come to realise blended families really don’t work out like the Brady bunch (in fact neither do non blended families), all you can do is be vigilant and expose them to opportunities to build their self esteem independently of you, your DP and his family.

Sorry but anyone who excuses this cuntish behaviour is the lowest of the low. Who gives a shit if they are genetically related? She’s a little girl ffs. In what way will it hurt them to be kind to her and treat them like her younger sibling? I bet you anything that if their DS had adopted a child they’d be the same because they’re not “blood”.

Heartbreaking - poor poor girl.

But they aren’t her grandparents!! She is their son’s girlfriend’s daughter. You aren’t even married to their son, in what way do you mean she isn’t included. You say that they gave her a birthday present, sounds like they do think of her as part of the family. Do they invite you over and ask that you leave her behind? That would be unkind. Or do you mean that they have a stronger beyond and instinctive love
for their own grandchild.

I feel like this is what’s happening naturally because they don’t make 20% of the effort on their bio grandchild as they do with the other grandchildren. I think both of my kids are going to notice they are left out, with my eldest at the bottom of the pile. I don’t like this. If they aren’t keen on me then ok but it’s not the kids fault.

Totally this.

Not OK for them to be horrible to your little girl, not at all.

But there's a big difference between expecting them to treat your DD kindly (absolutely you should expect this) and expecting them to treat your DD as if she is a grandchild (not reasonable for you to expect this).

If they are actually actively unkind, don't have a relationship with them at all. If your DP want to, then that's on him, and it's up to him to facilitate them seeing their grandchild. But you and your eldest - simply step away if they're unkind to you.

(I had assumed they were kind to your DD, as you talked about them dropping off presents for her but not staying to make a big fuss/visit, which I would see as a kind and perfectly reasonable thing to do for the daughter of my son's girlfriend)

They are horrible people. Anyone who thinks it’s ok to put down a child and minimise their accomplishments because they don’t happen to be related is not worth a minute of yours or your daughter’s time.
Let your partner take your younger child to visit and take the opportunity to do a regular lovely thing with your older daughter who will no doubt appreciate some alone time with her lovely mum.
Do not waste any of your time with joy-sucking people. Teach your children the same.

I have started to do this. He takes the little one and we watch an older film together.

Oh honestly ffs. They have been together for five years and have a child together!!! She’s the sister of their grandchild. So you think that it’s okay to treat a little girl like that because her parents didn’t go through a legal ceremony? And I bet you anything that even if the OP did get married, they’d still treat her like shit because she’s “not blood”. And even if their DS adopted her, I doubt they’d change their tune. Utter utter selfish cunts. As I said before HOW does it hurt them to include her? What will it cost them to be kind to her?

They pushed it through the letter box and left, didn’t knock to come in. They don’t really visit us, maybe once this year. I know it’s not the value of the gift but it was around £2 with ripped paper from shoving it through. That doesn’t really speak kindness to me.

Are they ‘treating her like shit’?

OP - staying at home will just reinforce the difference!!

Are they nice in other ways? How far away do they live? How often do you see them?
Do your eldest child’s grandparents send a present to your youngest?

As much as you are not going to like it your child is not their relation and they do not have an obligation to treat your child as their own as much as any other child on the street.

It might be morally abhorrent but women in blended families need to realise not everyone thinks the same and some people are mean and do not want to treat strangers children as their own relation.

Do you ask them round more often? Or do you go to them?
If they only see your dd once a year they’ll only have met her 5 times - hardly time to build a deep relationship!

I am that gc. My mum's dad remarried when she was 10 and she lived with him full time and her SM. Her own mother wasn't on the scene.

I was told in early teens that my DGM was in fact my mum's SM and not her biological mum. Upon finding this out, everything made sense.

I had wondered for years why "GM" spoilt my younger cousins but treated me and my siblings like spare parts. It was all because we were not her biological gc. More children had been born in this second marriage and it was the resulting gc who were heavily preferred.

Over the years, what puzzled me the most was the lies. The insistence that everyone was treated the same.

Yes, it would be nice if the gps treated all the dc in a family in the same way. But this just doesn't happen often.

So @Halloween24 my advice would be to be completely honest with your dd. They are family but they are not her grandparents in the fullest sense. Adjust your expectations of but also your longer term obligations to these family members.

5 years really isn't a particularly long relationship. What if they had rushed to welcome your child as their own grandchild, but your relationship ended? Would you facilitate a relationship between your child and your ex's parents, to whom she isn't related, and you don't seem to like? Would you, really?

They're being quite sensible really not to get overly invested in a child who could disappear from their life at any time.

Well, as an adoptive parent I suppose 'blood' and 'genetics' will never mean as much to me as love and commitment.

I wouldn't let my children be treated differently in this context (very young child when younger sibling was born). If you don't want her in your family, you don't want me. And therefore not my other child.

If it was an older child I would see it a bit differently, but still wouldn't want siblings treated significantly differently.

Apologies, have deleted. Posted in error based on misreading OP’s post.

They sound awful if you ask me, how can you be cold hearted to a little girl asking if she can call you Grandad!? Even if they feel more attached to your younger child, I would treat them equally.

Yes it is - loads of marriages end before that and it’s two thirds of this little girls life. Who the hell thinks like that anyway- will they start being nicer once the relationship reaches the acceptable length?

I’m at an age where we have grandparents in my friendship group and some are in blended families.
I think this couple sound miserable.
Yes, I understand all the points about them not being actual grandparents.
But if they are in your home with your youngest I don’t see why they can’t involve your eldest in some way. It’s showing a kindness to a child who is clearly trying to forge a connection.
I have a friend who is a Pops and his wife is Nannie Pops - the child involved knows they aren’t grandparents in terms of DNA, it has been explained. But they love the little girl involved and treat her with her care, and that’s all there is to it.
It doesn’t take much to give a lovely child a bit of care and attention, it’s not rocket science.
In this very difficult world, showing a bit of love to a child brings an awful lot of joy.

'Sorry dear, your sibling won the grandparent jackpot and you didn't. Life sucks, get over it.'

Not for me. If we are a family we are a family. Everyone matters.

People behave differently and not always in the way we want them to.

I have been out with men in the past where I was welcomed into the house after a first date, invited to join family dinners and gatherings, they bought me gifts and treated like a member of the family from Day One.

I also dated men with parents who were polite to me but not overly friendly. It didn't mean they didn't like me but they didn't see me as a permanent fixture in their family until many, many years later. They were fairly insular as a family and did family things just the 4 of them.

My parents didn't particularly acknowledge now-DH for a few years. They might have bought a token Christmas gift if we were together over the Christmas break but it wouldn't have been anything much until we were married. They think the world of SIL and DH but see them differently from DB and me.

None of these are right or wrong - they are all decent people and not nasty in any way - they're just different.

I think you need to accept that right now your PIL don't see your DD in the same way that they see their biological GC. It may be hurtful but you can't force them to have that relationship if it doesn't exist.

I'd put your energy into helping your DD to develop the relationships that she does have, not keep pushing one that sounds unlikely to change anytime soon.

Edited:typo