Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

He probably didn't know how to react.

How hard is it to say you can call me what ever you like and feel comfortable with. What does it matter what she calls them, she’s a young autistic child for gods sake. I would think it would be a privilege if a young child thought that of you. You don’t need to act or do anything, it’s just a word.

Why would it be so terrible if your actual grandchild’s sister, who has no grandparents of her own and has known you from when she was little wants to call you grandad? Honestly what sort of wanker do you have to be to just stare blankly at her and not say anything? What does it honestly detract from their lives or make it hard for them to actually be nice to her? Nobody is saying that they should leave their fortune to her - just be nice to her.

OP, I’d say if they can’t be nice to older child then they won’t be seeing younger child either. It’s no loss to the younger one.

They aren't decent people and you are right not to trust them. Ignore the advice from posters saying that you must let your younger daughter have a relationship with them. They aren't kind people and they may deliberately cause a rift between your two children. I can't see any benefits in facilitating a relationship between either of your children and these awful people.

I don’t want their money. I’ve worked hard and own my own home to leave them and I save for them both. I hope they aren’t thinking about money over a young child.

@Halloween24 but it's not just a word though... it's a label that comes with responsibility and expectations OP. I wouldn't be comfortable in that position either. Shes 9, and you say that shes mildly ND, shes old enough to explain why these people aren't her grandparents. The man was probably flabbergasted.

My own father was never around, never had GPs on that side. My mother had a few BFs and now a DH... never once did I expect their parents to treat me the same as their DGC, it's just bonkers.

Would it be nice if it worked like that? Sure. But it's not reality I'm afraid.

He lacks basic decency and is mean, so yes that would be why he didn't know how to react.

Sorry you have had to put up with this OP. Your child getting cold treatment while her sibling gets treated differently will obviously have an impact, so yes, keep both of them away from this prick until such time, if ever, he can grasp how to be a decent human being.

Im flabbergasted by lots of the posters. I suppose these people are common and we’ve been a bit unlucky to not have found decent people. It’s a massive shame but I will and do my best to make sure both my kids are happy and loved. These people don’t deserve either of my children’s love. If I’m not good enough, our family dynamic isn’t good or perfect enough then they can get lost. This thread has just made me more angry and made me realise they aren’t good enough for us.

I must say I'm astonished at some of the responses here, namely those who think OP is expecting too much from this mean old git for not treating the 9 year old child with basic decency.

I have two cousins who are adopted, and our granny treated us all the same. That's how it should be. In fact this is the first time I've ever thought about as it should be a given.

Where is your BF in all this? And how is he going to react when you say your younger child can no longer have a relationship with his parents?

They aren't her grandparents or even her 'step grandparents' .

If you and your partner can't even commit sufficiently to marry each other to make their son an actual 'step father' (sorry separately owned homes is a shit excuse me- see a lawyer and get them ring fenced) then getting the arse with HIS parents about committing to a grandparent role is a bit of a bloody piss take !

Sort your own labels out first. Your partner is literally NOTHING legally to your child. He is NOT a step dad or her mothers husband (a legal entity) he is her mothers partner - which means nothing in law.

Sort yourselves and then perhaps his parents might think differently.

Cross posted... I've just typed out similar bewilderment to what you just did.

I can only surmise some on here have had pretty dysfunctional upbringings where showing love and consideration to one another is an anomaly.

They hardly bother anyway, no one will notice. It will be more of me just disconnecting emotionally as physically nothing much happens. If we see them we see them but it’s rare really and fleetingly now. He just makes excuses for them. Oh they don’t like leaving the village much etc

I don’t really care much for marriage. People
marry and divorce all the time. I don’t see why this has anything to do with how you treat an innocent child. My partner is a loving adult in her life that over the last 5 years has shown her stability, how to respect a partner, how to respect a child. He is doing and has done so much for her that labels can do. It’s sad that his parents are lame.

@Halloween24 but youve not said how he will actually feel or react when you tell him you are making the unilateral decision to cut off the relationship between them and your shared child. Have you not spoken to him about this?

Does your older child call him Dad?

His parents should be proud of the person he is.

I will no longer make any effort to instigate any relationship. If he wishes to go on his own which is very rarely, maybe 2 times this year then I can’t stop it but I will always try and go along with him from now on. I secretly don’t think he likes his family’s company either because it was always me trying to push for a relationship thinking that’s it’s normal for parents to be involved.

I’ve never in our relationship heard them say anything encouraging to him, no I love yous, there is no real love, it’s odd. I don’t think they are happy with his choice of me but what can I do.

@Halloween24 'if he wishes...' 'I secretly don't think he likes...' why are you guessing these things? Have you not actually spoken to him properly about any of this?

And if you only see them twice a year, then why is any of this an issue at all?

He clams up when I say anything, he doesn’t want to talk about them. It has built up to this, over the years it’s getting worse. The mums face hit the floor when I got pregnant, she basically ignored my growing bump. There is this silence that no one will talk about. I wish they’d just come and and say what they think.

I feel like I’ve never been good enough and neither are my children now. I’m guessing the mum has issues with non perfect families as those are the family’s that they don’t speak to. One brother re-married and they all hate the wife. They are left out. I could be completely wrong though. I think they wanted a sweet little family to show off but instead they got me.

Well then you need to work on your communication in the relationship because this is obviously an issue for you that he needs to be able to address.

Again, if you only see them twice a year anyway, why does any of this matter?

They live 20 mins away and it feels shit to probably be the reason they don’t want to have a relationship anymore. It’s not my fault their son loves me but I feel blame. I can’t change who I am and where I’ve come from though. I think before me he saw them much more. Their disapproval has pushed them away. I think that’s why they don’t really want to be kind to my daughter because they can’t get past not liking me. I have tried in the beginning quite a fair bit but it was always rejected and I think me being nice was just annoying them even more. I’m pretty sure at the start his mum told him that he’s too different and I’m not their kind of people. I’m a nice decent person so I don’t know what they meant.

"I’m pretty sure at the start his mum told him that he’s too different and I’m not their kind of people"

Did your BF tell you this? How did you find this out?

Honestly, I would just leave your BF to it with them, he can take your youngest with him to visit them, you and your eldest go LC or NC and only see them at the usual weddings or funerals. It doesn't need to be stressful.

She also doesn’t get to break up my family.
We come together or we don’t come at all.

How are they breaking up your family? You do understand that you are just their son's gf? And she is just your child? You're not married, and even if you were, that wouldn't make her their grandchild. Why do you keep mentioning she's autistic, like that means they should just do what she wants and call her grandchild?

You've blended a a family; they have not. You seem very rigid in your thinking, tbh. What are the issues of the past, and what you've all been thorough you keep alluding to? It's very dramatic.