Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

People find toddlers a lot cuter though, and generally people like kids less the older they get. A 9 year old isn't as "fun" as a 2 year old, and less relatable once they're into characters and Pokemon and YouTubers and such that the grandparents don't know about. It may just be that.

Absolutely

I agree with this. Your poor daughter must feel rejected.
What does your husband feel about it? Does he accept your eldest child as his own, does he treat her differently from your joint child?
I think it is for him to raise it with his parents

I feel for you OP.

But she IS different. It’s time to get comfortable feeling that. I say this as the child of a blended family. My little brother (from stepdad) felt different when I went off to my Dads for weekends and holidays. I felt different given the absolutely obvious difference in how my stepdad treated each of us. In the vast vast majority of cases, you can’t escape the fact that your family has different elements. In utopia none of this would matter but the fact is you can’t force people to feel what they don’t. Your DH could have a word about them making more effort, but that’s about it.

it’s a shame he blanked her request to call him Grandad, that is very mean, but would you feel the same if she did have loving and amazing grandparents on yours or her dads side? I expect not. If she had amazing grandparents who did exciting things like take her horse riding, it’s quite possible that in time your youngest would be the one feeling left out. I say this with kindness and experience as I say, but it’s just life.

rbe best thing you can do for her is help her understand and rationalise this. Families are complex. You love her and your youngest the same - that’s what matters.

I think some of the responses on here are a bit mean considering they first met her when she was only 3, five whole years ago. I can’t believe they just ignored her when she asked if she could call him grandad, i’d be honoured to be thought of so highly. While yes internally they may feel more of a bond with their biological grandchildren, I personally wouldn’t be able to obviously treat another child so differently when none of it is the child's fault. I was a stepchild myself though so fully understand how feeling unwanted/in the way as a child still affects you as an adult.

they don’t make 20% of the effort on their bio grandchild as they do with the other grandchildren. I think both of my kids are going to notice they are left out

Another drip feed! So they actually treat both of your children differently from the rest of the grandchildren and make less effort with both.

Are the other grandchildren from their daughter(s)? They might simply be closer to her than to their son, or she might make more effort. Or perhaps they don’t approve of you/your relationship as you have implied. But YABU to make it solely about your eldest when it’s both of them.

Regardless, the answer is to drop the rope and let their son handle the relationship with them.

Imagine the situation flipped. Imagine your mum has a long term boyfriend - do you think of him as your dad? Do you think of his parents as your gps? Surely the answer is no way? (Speaking from experience here. My dad is my dad. My mum's bf is my mum's bf. Those are two very different positions. Have never even met my mum's boyfriend's parents).

You are right to expect politeness and kindness towards your daughter. You are right to expect a loving step-dad relationship between her and your partner (though keep in mind the difference between dad and step-dad). You are being unreasonable to expect a blood family relationship from people who are not your blood family and have not chosen you or your daughter.

Would you really expect your partner's parents to treat your daughter like their real grandchild? For example, to leave your daughter an inheritance? If so, I expect your view of the world is very different to most people's. Might be easiest to sit down and talk to them, see what they're willing to do (with being polite a non-negotiable!). Then based on that, manage your daughter's expectations kindly and firmly.

yes sorry I suppose you are right. They’ve made very little effort with the little one but currently she has no idea whereas the oldest does. They do more for her and seem to acknowledge the little one more. But I do think it’s something to do with their dislike of me and perhaps my prior circumstances. Yeah they aren’t ideal but they are past and the kids are happy and lovely, so is our family and our home. We’ve don’t really well considering where I’ve come from. I’m lucky to have come through and have what I have. It’s a shame but I do agree that I have to let the role go and accept they aren’t nice people.

If they are this unkind to your eldest daughter then keep her away from them

We are not talking about me and my needs or what I think or what I want or the next door neighbour. This is a small kid, she was 3, now 9. She has her own needs. They aren’t even able to meet her needs of acceptance. I don’t think I’ve mentioned money or inheritance. I’m talking about acceptance into a family. Adults are supposed to be grown up.

That is really sad. Poor little girl. Many people would melt if asked like that. But if they can’t/won’t there can’t be made to.

I have an older half-sister. The set of grandparents who are not related to her, treated her differently all our lives, and we kids noticed. Now none of us have a great relationship with them, and they wonder why.

I know people will argue they're not related to your daughter so they shouldn't have to bother with her, but I can't imagine being like that myself, nor do I know anyone in the same position as now who does not treat all the grandchildren the same, even if they aren't biologically related. Not sure there's much you can do though - you can't force them to care.

What has she called them for the last six years? Mr and Mrs Mums Partners Parents?

She has called them by their names. She just wanted to be part of it and asked if she could also call them grandparents.

We're talking about what's real and what isn't. Sure, it would be lovely if everyone grew up with a large extended family. Unfortunately, however, this isn't always the case.

Your daughter has a biological dad and biological paternal grandparents. They are clearly horrible people if they don't want to take on their responsibilities.

Your boyfriend's parents are not her grandparents. They have no responsibilities, either legal or moral, towards your daughter beyond basic politeness and kindness. They can be considered, at most, distant family members.

Your daughter is surely old enough to start learning that life isn't fair and we can't get everything we want. I'm not saying this flippantly or cruelly. It's a realisation that all children have to go through at some point (not every child is top of the class, not every child gets the newest iphone, not every child has siblings, not every child has two parents).

It's tough. It's not the ideal of a large family, white-picket fence, tight-knit community that we probably all dream of giving our kids. But it's your daughter's bio dad who has let her down, not you or your boyfriend's family.

Many people have let her down including these adults who are aware of what has happened to her and still couldn’t care less. It’s supposed to take a village to raise a children. I totally get what you are saying but it’s disgusting to treat a child like this and it’s why I have to explain to a young child that unfortunately people are nasty. Not my problem is rubbish and it causes a child who eventually becomes people’s problems when they feel so rejected they take it out on everyone.

I wish I had a crystal ball and could have foreseen this. I should have paid more attention to his family but they seem to have just got worse and worse, especially since we moved in together and little one born. The mum didn’t have any interest in the pregnancy, was away for the birth, brought no gifts for her then. I should have said more but didn’t want to make a big fuss.

Could there be some middle ground? Your partner's parents can be warm, positive figures in your daughter's life without being considered her grandparents. Do you think they'd accept some other name - e.g. if their bio granddaughter calls them gran and grandpa, could your daughter call them nan and pops or something?

That way your daughter can feel that she has a relationship with these people but they don't feel the pressure to treat her exactly like their bio granddaughter.

Of course, there might be a separate issue of them just not being nice people in general (your posts are a bit mixed). If that's the case, then if I were you I wouldn't want them as part of my daughter's life in any case. Minimise contact and live your life without them in it (easier said than done, I know)

I don't think yabu at all, OP but unfortunately some of the more negative responses on here don't surprise me. The attitude towards having any obligation towards step-anything is one of the saddest things I see on Mumsnet...it's been a real eye opener over the years and it makes me really sad to think these opinions exist in real life.

It's not even like this is even something that has even an element of controversy (a debate about inheritance and step-relatives I can understand). This is literally just about a basic level of human decency, kindness and respect. It costs them nothing to be kind and I think their behaviour is awful.

Yes, I agree. I’ve posted on similar threads that my DM’s close friend makes no distinction between her SDGD and the rest of her DGC. Step child came into her life at about 4/5- the first DGC, as she sees it.

How hard is it to treat a child like that?

OP, I’d ignore them if I were you. I’d see as little of them as possible. I’d tell DH exactly what you think of them. And I sincerely hope that you don’t sort out their Christmas or birthday gifts. That should all be on him.

Thanks. The more it goes on the less I want to do. I don’t do dinners and bbqs for them anymore or instigate any contact. We aren’t important so I don’t see why I should anymore. My kids need to be surrounded by love, the eldest more so. So I invite people who bring this.

Yes, I think that’s the best way to respond.

I really feel for you. Just because there not her bio grandparents doesn't mean that they shouldn't make an effort with her, its unkind to treat anyone in a way that leaves them out more so a 9yr old girl.
My Exh and I have an ok relationship and we often spend time talking to our daughter together, however he literally doesn't even bother to say much more than hello to my son from a different relationship and it does cause tension. What I can say though is that both of my children have had counselling recently, the counselor picked up two things 1) my daughter has a closer bond to her brother than her father and 2) that my son completely resents my exH and doesn't like being around him. Obviously I would prefer it to not be like that but you reap what you sow.

I think it's sad. My children are small but I would like to think that if they met someone with a child in the future I would make them welcome. Like any decent human should treat a child. It's not exactly difficult.

Apparently it really is difficult. It appears to
depend on luck sadly. I just can’t see them as decent people anymore despite trying to understand where they could be coming from.