Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

He did, he said it about most of his girlfriends. He said he used to have a thing about tattoos and they hated the girls. I don’t have tattoos lol. But it’s up to him who he finds attractive and people with tattoos aren’t instantly bad.

I disagree and I think they are very rigid. We are a family as much as anyone else is. So blended families deserve less love and less respect and young children don’t get considered and they get split up. My little one adores her big sister, do hers needs not matter either. They are sisters in each others eyes, they love each other. I don’t want family coming along and trying to label their standing in the family. They can figure out labels when they are older if they need to.

She understands that her sisters dad is not her own just to make it clear. But she loves her little sister. Half sister or whatever.

You still haven't answered whether or not your older daughter calls your BF Dad?

I believe I have and just to be clear no she doesn’t. She has always called him his name. Same like his parents until she heard little one calling granddad and then asked if it was ok if she called him Grandad as she doesn't have one, they are both dead. She has an alive dad.

Thanks for the replies but I’m off now. It’s been an absolute let down and has reminded me how utterly shameful half the population is, many seem to be on here. I hope no one needs any support from any non blood related family in the future. I hope my eldest doesn’t grow up to replicate the heartlessness she is encountering.

Okay... so if your child doesn't call your BF dad, because he isn't her dad and she already has a dad, why do you think it's appropriate for her to call you BFs father 'granddad'?

What is it specifically that they do to leave her out?

For some things you would expect this as they are only the grandparents of one of your children. But if they go to the shops and bring back one lolly instead of two then I agree on that level that is a mean thing to do.

They bring you no joy. They’ve been mean to every single one of his girlfriends. I suspect he’s the scapegoat and his sibling the golden child.
Dont spend any time with people who bring you no joy. Let your partner visit them if he wants to, he’s probably still hoping for some scraps of love and approval.
Stay home or go and do something else that lifts the spirits. They just don’t sound like people who will ever bring anything positive to your life.

Kick them hard out of the rent free space they are occupying in your head.
My in laws were the pits, miserable old vinegar sipping buggers.
You can do it, kick hard, keep kicking!

I don't think you can expect them to treat her the same or feel the same about her or even see her on her birthday. She's not their grandchild. They should be kind to her though include her.

Or he could have thought oh help I don't want to say the wrong thing here

I'm with you OP, how heartless! How can anyone turn their backs on a little child just because of a technicality. How can they treat 2 kids so differently in front of each other.
And yes it is very sad that so many PP's think it's ok!!

I'm sorry you feel let down I'm also surprised by a lot of the comments on here. You sound like an incredibly strong person and so does your daughter I can see you're super proud of her which is lovely. These people sound awful and not worth your time at all. Ok so they aren't biologically related but this is a child fgs anyone with common decency would at least make the effort to be kind! I agree with your plan to just distance yourself as much as possible and surround your kids with people who love them. The great grqndparents sound lovely could you have a quiet word and see if they wouldn't mind your daughter calling them GPs or GGPs?

Also I'm getting narcissist vibes from at least one of the GPs and suspect if they treat your youngest differently from the other grandchildren they probably treat your partner differently from his sibling and always have done. It's a grim way to grow up. If he's amenable I might suggest some therapy for him or at least more space from them might do him a world of good.

This thread is the worst of Mumsnet.

The saddest thing is the absolute gaslighting (and yes, I'm using it correctly) of the OP, trying to make her believe that posters wouldn't feel exactly the same as she does about their dc and non biological grandparents. Because its obvious that any parent would feel upset about this. Shame on you.

Oh really? Well that's interesting...

Thought I'd read this before

Yes it does actually sound familiar. Is this the one with the nice but passive DP/DH who the OP said pursued her a lot until she agreed to a relationship with him but his parents don’t like her because she has a past? I seem to recall he has two sisters, there’s lots of family events that they’re expected to attend. Yes OP has been given exactly the same advice before so no idea why she had to name change and ask the same again.

DP is ND and has one brother. OP also doesn’t like him or his wife (or their ‘perfect’ kids) and resents that they’re closer to MIL, particularly the wife. There are countless threads about her in laws on the Relationships board even though there’s barely any contact with them. MIL went on hols when OP’s youngest was born, she wants to be close to in laws and have them treat oldest DC as their GC but they don’t want that, always something about Facebook. She’s given lots of advice which she roundly ignores and then starts a new thread some time later under a new name. Rinse and repeat.

She needs therapy, not mumsnet.

Oh yeah I remember now - it was a brother and she’s comparing to how the other SIL is treated better than her. Yeah she needs therapy.

There's a lot of hypocricy on Mumsnet OP. I've seen threads where the OP is having or has just had a baby and has said that she doesn't want her step-mother to be called grandma/nana/nanny. The majority of posters tell her how unkind that is and what harm will it do to refer to her stepmum as the grandmother of her child. People show more compassion for an adult woman than an autistic small child.

I think the op means his as in her partner’s grandparents. A relationship with great GPs is different to one with GPs

Daughter, not Son. Sounds like her BF is a dad to get eldest in all other ways apart from legally and biologically. Not ‘nothing’ as your comment says.

The hypocrisy on MN amazes me, if it's a step mum she is expected to live the child as if it's her own but ppl of grandparent age/position; perfectly acceptable to exclude a little girl they've known since she was 3.
Personally I think it's nasty to exclude her, everyone I know the kids are all treated the same.

That's completely untrue, step mothers are regularly told that their step children are not their responsibility, they have 2 parents and stepmothers should not be the default parent when children are with their fathers etc etc. Many, many women here have been told how their partners are taking complete advantage by expecting them to play mother to their children when they are not theirs.

And in any case, step mothers choose to get into a relationship with a man who has children. They have actively chosen to put themselves in that position... 'Grandparents' in these situations have not had that choice or any input into the situations they find themselves in. They should not be obliged to take children on as their own grandchildren, purely because their child is dating their parent. That's crazy.