Grandparents on partners side treating my 2 kids differently.

[Halloween24]

I’ve two children. One is from a different relationship but partners parents been in her life since age 3. She is 9 now. Anyway the grandparents will make an effort with the youngest (biological (although not a huge amount of effort)) but basically nothing with her. They make a lot of effort with their other grandchildren. I know she isn’t biological but this doesn’t sit well with me at all and I’m not sure what to do. It’s not on that she is left out and it’s really making me dislike them.

What would you do? I know I have no control over how they behave.

She has no contact with her fathers side and I’ve lost my parents.

They sound horrible OP. How could you not grow to care about a child who has been in your life for 6 years? Most normal people would feel genuine warmth and affection after this long and be able to show it. I feel sad for your daughter and not particularly impressed with your DP.

Totally agree. I'm also really disappointed by all the posters that think it's totally fine to be this cold to a kid.

But you if you make no effort with them, and won’t even see them it’s not really surprising that they haven’t got closer to your dd over time - you have just reinforced what they are thinking!
IMO it would be in your own, and your dds, interest to maintain a friendly relationship and you’d find it easier to do this if you accept that they don’t have to love your dd. It would be better for your daughter if you explain that they aren’t her grandparents and so it is ok that they behave differently with her and her sibling, rather than telling her that they are nasty or don’t like her. You’ll have to tell her that HER grandparents live too far away - or perhaps you could try and develop that relationship for her?

Thomasina - but OP says they’ve been together for 5 years, presumably at first they didn’t meet the dd (I’d imagine people would wait at least a year, the dd won’t have meet the new partner straight away). And by all accounts they hardly see each other - a few visits over 4 years isn’t much time to develop a relationship with an adult child’s partner’s daughter. If they saw a lot of each other it would be different.

We used to see each other much more. Us going to them and not the other way around. The constant comments and their comparisons about their grandkids and their own children has worn me down. I’ve backed off and as they don’t instigate anything nothing much happens now. If they were interested they would have been putting in effort also. There is only so much I can do. If they aren’t interested in a relationship then I can’t do anything.

YANBU, OP, and I'm sorry for your child. Treating children badly is always mean because it is always a choice. Your partners parents don't have to do it but they choose to. Regarding of their motives, children are NEVER to blame and imo they are being cruel.

I can only imagine how she feels. With the ND she has some rejection sensitivity and I know she feels this. It feels really cruel whatever the reasoning. In the past they have called her attention seeking, they don’t want to understand I don’t think.

I think it's mean of them to obviously, vastly, treat the two children differently when all together.

My dad's partner's (not married) grandchildren have been in all of our lives since they were born and I would consider them my nieces/nephews as much as my sisters' kids. Dad feels the similar I think, and everyone gets treated the same.

Some people are just cold and lack empathy. Maybe just make your daughter aware (as much as you can) that this is nothing to do with her or anything she's done. I don't think you'll change their behaviour sadly

Hi. Rarely post, but this subject triggers me. My in law family especially, don't acknowledge my sons children. Not even interested. Following the lead of MIL.
Dh didn't want children. My second marriage. He absolutely loves the grandkids. They call him granddad. We do more with them than the other grandparents. We don't rely on the blood ties element.

I don't understand the 'sacred blood' bit. I treat everyone's kids, blood related or not, as precious. Because children are precious. And they're not stupid either. And what goes around comes around. There's no point complaining in the future that no one wants to visit any more when you've spent so long pushing possibly very caring and very nice people away.

(The weird thing is that being related doesn't seem to prevent them slagging each other off behind each other's backs. It's a veritable gossip go round. Ditto my own family. I used to wish I actually was the milkman's, as my lovely mother would 'joke'. She ignored both me, and my son)

OP, maybe I time your daughter will realise she's lucky (ps my dh is also ND, and he does) to have had you protect her from such nastiness. I used to feel sorry for my son, but now I think he's lucky. Ditto his kids, who don't even know their GGG, who's getting increasingly isolated.

I'm agreeing with all the PP here. You chose to blend your family, the GPs did not. You're expecting way too much from them and they've don't nothing wrong. It's not their fault your daughter's family isnt in the picture, that your parents have passed or that she is ND.

You should have explained to your daughter the biology of the situation so that she didn't put the grandfather in such an awkward position. I honestly feel sorry for him being out on the spot like that. You can explain these things in an age appropriate way suitable for her level of ND.

She has great grandparents who are very kind to her? Do you expect them to treat your other child like their biological great grandchild as well?

Does your daughter call you BF Dad?

To be honest, even if your BF adopted your child, I still wouldn't expect the GP to take her on as a grandchild, she is the daughter of a man they have never met. There's also implications down the line like inheritance, gifting of house deposits etc that they may want to do with their grandchildren and they really shouldn't be expected to include your daughter in that.

Harsh maybe, but it's just reality and these are things you need to deal with if you go ahead with blending families.

If that's the case OP, I wouldn't have then in the house if they are actively unkind to your elder daughter. They sound like horrible people.

I think you would feel better if you didn't have to see them at all. They are deliberately unkind to your elder daughter and make minimal effort with your younger child in comparison with their other grandchildren. I don't think either of your children are getting anything positive out of the relationship and your elder daughter is probably being actively harmed.

It is the great grandparents of my younger daughter so not oldest biological but they have treated her like one from the very beginning. We love visiting, it’s warm and inviting for us all. Very decent people who’ve always told her they love her no different and that has paid off in a reciprocal loving relationship.

They are undermining their son’s family. If they love their son then they would respect his choice. They are pushing him away by behaving this way. And they are harming my children and causing arguments. They are no good at all. I can’t see what they are trying to achieve really.

I totally agree with your post. Some posters seem to positively relish telling the OP that these horrible grandparents have done nothing wrong and how dare she have any expectations of them treating her elder daughter with some kindness and empathy.

It's horrible for the OP to witness her in-laws treating her daughter so unkindly and this thread must make her feel a hundred times worse.

Ah, okay not clear from your PP what the great grandparent connection was. That's nice that she has that relationship.

But I really do think you're expecting too much of your BFs parents here. They have no obligation to your daughter.

And, maybe it is a case that they don't like you, don't like your daughter? Not everyone has to like everyone else. That still doesn't make them wrong here. I can't imagine being expected to take on a child as my own grandchild if they 1)weren't at all related and 2) I didn't actually even like the mother or child. It's just too much to ask of people.

Just let your BF manage the relationship with his parents and your younger child. It'll give you and your daughter some free Mom and daughter time.

How do you think she will treat the biological child of a women she doesn’t like? No way I want her alone with my little one.

She also doesn’t get to break up my family.
We come together or we don’t come at all.

Well this whole thread is about how they treat your two children differently, so presumably they treat your younger child 'better'? I don't think cutting contact between them and your younger child is your decision alone either, what does the child's father think? And can't he facilitate a relationship between them? They don't need to be left alone with your younger child.

And cutting out a relationship between your younger child and their grandparents because they refuse to take your older child on as their own is really just cutting off your nose to spite your face. I'd think long and hard before going down that route.

I don't think that it's OK to dislike a small child and to show that dislike. And being actively unkind to her, which they are, does make them wrong here.

It might be too much to ask of people to take on a child as their own grandchild, but it isn't too much to ask them to show her some kindness in her own home.

These people are horrible and posters like you are defending them.

They treat her marginally better but I think it’s only to save face. Maybe see her once every few months but she doesn’t want to be around them as she doesn’t really know them. Maybe a few comments on some social media posts. No gift when she was born or birthday, just sarcastic comments that she has enough and not to spoil her.

See, this attitude will get you nowhere. Plenty of people on here have told you that you are being unreasonable to expect them to take your child on as their grandchild, for many reason, but you're still not seeing that.

If you 'forbid' your BF and youngest child from having a relationship with their parents/grandparents because they won't just automatically take your child on and pretend like there's no biological difference, then who is the one breaking up families?

I really wouldn't die on this hill, let your BF manage Bf manage the relationship with them, you go LC, job done and all relationships remain intact.

The OP isn't cutting off her nose to spite her face. She is protecting both her children from these people who are cruel to her elder child and pretty indifferent to her younger child, even though she is their biological grand-daughter.

Also, I doubt that the OP will take advice from you, as someone who condones these people's callous treatment of her daughter.

@thepariscrimefiles we'll have to agree to disagree. I haven't read anything on here that I have thought to be callous behaviour.

There is something off with them and I worry that they want to set my children off against each other. I don’t trust them and it’s hard to go against my gut feelings. Decent people don’t behave like this. There 2 kids are like this, there is definitely some kind of competition for attention of the parents and my partner is loosing.