My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

I think that now your son is upwardly mobile he is desperately trying to hide his working class roots. Every time you say, do or buy something that doesn't fit in with his new persona, it's a reminder of his origins and that he is, frankly, a bit of a fraud. He's fearful of being "found out" and responds to this fear by lashing out at you.

It's very sad that he's so insecure he's trying to act as though he comes from a middle-class background, especially when it's so much more of an achievement to have "done well" when you haven't started from a place of privilege. And even worse that he's taken his insecurity out on you.

He's behaving like an arsehole and ironically, by displaying his desperate need to be seen as MC, he's showing that he absolutely isn't. Ime, the genuinely posh (and I've known a few) don't give a toss about all this sort of shit.

No, we mean he's ashamed of his mother and looks down on her because she's not successful enough for him, so prioritises his partner's parents and leaves her out. I don't think that quite compares with the OP not seeing why he won't accept some hand-me-downs.

And as other posters have said there is nothing wrong with turning down hand-me-downs. They have the money to buy new and presumably want designs they like. I received so many handme downs and it just created more work to have to donate most of it on or dispose of it.

My mil also bought loads of clothes from a popular store, that were in designs I didn’t use (poppers) when we preferred zips to get a refluxy vomiting baby out of clothes quick. She got her nose out of joint, DH was just trying to save her money on clothes we’d never use.

@DamnitImTired

"And just as it’s wrong to be scornful of other peoples success and desire to not have hand me downs for the first child if they choose!"

OP hasn't said she is scornful of her son's success but I disagree with you I think being ashamed of your mother is really awful.

I understand that you felt left out but I think you went the wrong way about it. You criticized them which was never going to help the situation. It would have been better to tell him that you would like to have the opportunity to support them and spend time with baby and you'd really like to spend more time together rather than calling him stuck up and saying she's changed him.

Maybe he just enjoys buying new stuff for the baby. Coming from a very poor background myself, I enjoy being able to afford new things.

Have you missed the bit OP said about him criticising her job and home?

Mine would do exactly the same! I’m sure she tells people I’m a massive snob who prioritises my own family and has convinced my husband to push them out. In actual fact she is horribly abusive and her behaviour has basically ruined the lives of all my husband’s siblings. There’s so many problems in the family: emotional and psychological abuse, coercive control, drug addiction, severe untreated psychiatric illness, unsafe relationships with randoms from online, illegal activities, smashing up the house, attacking each other, making death threats. The police are regularly at in-laws home and if we didn’t safeguard our child I’m fairly sure social services would become involved, yet I’m sure MIL is convinced the only issue is our unreasonableness in not allowing them to see our child. Obviously they’ve never met our child because it’s just not safe. I’m not saying OP’s case is as extreme as ours and I do agree the son’s reported comments about OP’s job and home aren’t acceptable. But I think, OP, reflecting on if your own behaviour could have contributed to this situation and how you could re-build the relationship with your son and his partner (rather than focusing on just seeing their child) would be helpful.

Don’t be so silly. No, he’s stuck up because he’s made it clear to his mum that he’s ashamed of her perceived lowly status as a cleaner.

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.
My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

His mum having two cleaning jobs shows that she values hard work and I’m sure she’s very proud of how well he’s doing financially. I grew up poor with a mum who was working in a factory when I started school and she did evening classes to get some qualifications so she could get a better paid job, which she did. I was very proud of her as she got top marks in all her exams and was commended by the college.

The OP’s son, on the other hand, is an unappreciative shallow prick.

I think if someone has gone to the effort of buying a gift because they care about the recipient rejecting it off hand is a little unreasonable because it doesn't take into account the feelings of the person giving the gift. I think it's the way the way the message is communicated that's the main point

Was I wrong for even bringing it up.

No, but good grief, you could hardly have approached it worse. Did you really think he was going to take kindly to you and your daughter going for him, particularly telling him that he's stuck up? It would have been so much better to say something along the lines of "We'd lover to see more of you, DIL and the baby, and we'd love to help more, Could we maybe help with bedtime once a week, have you round to ours, or do anything else that would help you two?"

Let the little ungrateful shit go and ensure that you cut him out of your will ASAP. So that he doesn't inherit the sad little flat & the dirty money you earned from cleaning. Why should the nasty little shit inherit from the mother that he's ashamed of. Get a will done and sign everything over to your other grandchildren.

What the thick idiot doesn't realise is that life changes very quickly & wealthy people can become poor & vice versa. Children can grow up watching their parents behave badly towards others & then do the same to them. All sorts of things can happen in life. Both son & gf are incredibly shortsighted to think their lifestyle will be forever.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

Perhaps he's right? Perhaps he feels you could do something better paid and more fulfilling?

I'm sorry this has happened to you OP! When I had my first baby with my DP, we lived really close to his parents (who I really don't get on with), and although still classed as "local", a much longer drive from my mum. My mum would NEVER turn up unannounced, would always call first or text to ask in advance, but his parents would just turn up; sometimes more than once a day. When I asked him to speak to them, he refused and said "they are welcome any time". Perhaps it's a similar situation as your son, that his girlfriends parents just rock up because they believe they are allowed to. Have you ever tried just going round? I know it feels terribly awkward but maybe your son is just trying to keep the peace at home.

But you don't make comments like that about someone else's job it's really rude

My cleaner loves her job. It gives her pleasure to transform someone's home. Who are you to say that OP 's job isn't fulfilling?

I think you’re jumping to extreme conclusions here. He’s likely well aware he grew up poor, and his girlfriend and her family are also likely aware he grew up poor. They know who OP is, they likely know where he grew up and what school he went to etc. She still got with him anyway. There’s no evidence that he’s lying about not being working class/how he was raised to anyone.

Following on, he likely is considered middle class now due to his income/education/lifestyle. I don’t think he needs to pretend anything. He has successfully demonstrated social mobility. He has successfully changed his circumstances. I don’t think he’s “a bit of a fraud” as a result. I think your mindset of “once working class, always working class” is concerning.

There’s a difference between “Mum, you are really bright, you could definitely retrain if you wanted a better paid job” (though it is still a bit patronising if OP likes her job), and “Mum, I’m so embarrassed when I have to admit to GF’s parents that my mother’s a cleaner. Can’t you get a better job?”

It sounds like it’s the second, not the first.

Why do you even want to see the baby? You clearly don't like either of the parents. Yet another MIL blaming the woman in her son's life for making her son do things mummy doesn't like. Tell you what OP how would you react if someone told you you were stuck up? Would you respond with "OMG you're right, so sorry how can we make this better?" Thought not....

You have a poor relationship with your son (I think there's probably contributions from both you and him to create that, so not all your fault) but it sounds like that's been the status since before this baby appeared.

Why would you think then that that would change overnight when the baby did arrive?

No one is entitled to see a baby. You admit yourself you think your son and his gf are stuck up, why do you feel a need to see or engage with their baby? Because it's your grandchild? But...you don't appear to have a grandparent-worthy relationship with this child's parents. So why would you assume that would be your role?

I am VVLC with my dad, for 10 years before my son appeared, and unsurprisingly that's how we've stayed even though my son is his first and currently only grandchild. He couldn't be a good parent to me, why would he assume he would get a shot with my child?

If this is how you all feel, it's no surprise you've been cut off. I wouldn't want people who don't like me around my child. Maybe they are stuck up, but perhaps now was not the right time to address that issue — and ultimately, if you want a relationship with someone you have to learn to tolerate their imperfections. If you want to fix this you have to apologise. They will not change just because you don't like them, what they will do is continue to cut you out of their lives.

OP if I'm understanding your post correctly you and your daughter essentially ganged up on your ds and told him he and his new family are stuck up when they have a newborn. Sorry but whether you had a point or not there's no wonder he told you to do one.

Have either of you actually offered to do anything helpful? Could it be that DIL's family are more involved because they actually help and don't slag the new parents off. You need to apologise, let him know that you want a relationship with baby then cool it. They aren't obliged to juggle your feelings and your desire to be a grandparent with looking after a baby. The baby comes first. You need to laugh off the snobby comments and jokingly tell him how ridiculous he's being at the time they happen, not pick a 2 against one fight with him when he's probably sleep deprived and covered in baby sick. You will only have access to baby if you don't make the parent's life difficult I'm afraid

Your post sounds so familiar, my mother could have written it about one of my brothers, right down to the two of them not getting married, and my mum being a cleaner, and handing back presents or asking for receipts because they don't meet his very high standards. My mum has stayed quiet and not said anything and tried desperately to have some kind of relationship with her two granddaughters, but she's seen the youngest three or four times since she was born 14 months ago. It's horribly sad, my mum will ask if she can see the kids more often, my brother will tell her all she has to do is ask, she'll ask, he'll ignore her. She hasn't done anything wrong, she hasn't been unkind to him or his partner, he's just embarrassed of background and foists that negativity onto our mum.

Lots of people on Mumsnet will bend over backwords to justify cruel treatment of a mother in law. I wonder how those with sons will feel when their children grow up and model what they were taught about lack of contact with dad's side of the family.

It can be really hard to pull yourself up in life, it’s almost like people infer insult or being stuck up because you can to make different life style choices. I do wonder if his rudeness to you is a reaction to you implying he’s changed/ stuck up. Then it’s all came to a head. I’d write a letter apologising and say your door is open when he feels ready to talk.

True. Not all sons but a great many. Men like an easy life and, unless they’re a strong character, will defer to the wife for an easy life.

Let them get on with it OP and concentrate on your own life.