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Original poster

My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

298 replies

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 22:44

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

OP posts:
Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:20

I feel like that all needs to be said clearly because you seem to only engage with the posts that agree with your view. Which is fine, if you care more about being right than having a relationship with them

FiveTreeHill · 20/10/2024 23:22

I think telling him he's stuck up and you dislike the mother of his child is obviously never going to go down well, but especially not when he's just had a baby

The fact you felt that an appropriate conversation to have at this point, and centred it on your own feelings, says a lot.

All you can do is apologise.

averitablevampire · 20/10/2024 23:23

Did you really tell your son he is stuck up? Oops!
Sometimes when thinking things it's best not to verbalise them.
How do you know his potential parent(s) in law are there every night?
Look if this isn't a reverse, you need to step back a bit, oh and try to like his GF and give them space for now. Send a Christmas card with an olive branch and then give it time.
For future reference avoid any criticism of your son or his GF, and never criticise his GF to him.

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:25

Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:20

I feel like that all needs to be said clearly because you seem to only engage with the posts that agree with your view. Which is fine, if you care more about being right than having a relationship with them

I am reading the more negative answers, I've come to the conclusion I shouldn't of even said anything. Even tho it's been bothering me for a while now. Not even the baby situation. Just how my son is towards me and the comments he makes to me about my work and about my home etc

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:26

averitablevampire · 20/10/2024 23:23

Did you really tell your son he is stuck up? Oops!
Sometimes when thinking things it's best not to verbalise them.
How do you know his potential parent(s) in law are there every night?
Look if this isn't a reverse, you need to step back a bit, oh and try to like his GF and give them space for now. Send a Christmas card with an olive branch and then give it time.
For future reference avoid any criticism of your son or his GF, and never criticise his GF to him.

The parents see that baby every single day. They live in the next street. I know for a fact they see the baby every day

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 20/10/2024 23:26

I think it's sad that your son and daughter in law haven't made more effort to have you see the baby - maybe they feel your disapproval of their lifestyle and values and this is why they have distanced themselves? You certainly haven't helped the situation by sitting him down and being critical of him and his wife. If you want to mend fences, you need to apologise and tell him that you love him and are proud of how well he's done for himself. Tell him you have been feeling hurt and would love a closer relationship with his wife and your grandson.

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:26

FiveTreeHill · 20/10/2024 23:22

I think telling him he's stuck up and you dislike the mother of his child is obviously never going to go down well, but especially not when he's just had a baby

The fact you felt that an appropriate conversation to have at this point, and centred it on your own feelings, says a lot.

All you can do is apologise.

Didn't say I didn't like his gf at all, she wasn't even mentioned

OP posts:
Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:27

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:25

I am reading the more negative answers, I've come to the conclusion I shouldn't of even said anything. Even tho it's been bothering me for a while now. Not even the baby situation. Just how my son is towards me and the comments he makes to me about my work and about my home etc

Show quote history

That must be really horrid for you and genuinely I’m not trying to be unkind, I just think you’re going to have to accept the basis of your relationship with them isn’t going to be what you wanted, and you’ll probably never understand one another’s views. Hurtful as it is, the bigger picture may be ensuring some kind of relationship with them and the baby, which probably means an olive branch

Phonicshaskilledmeoff · 20/10/2024 23:27

‘I’m sorry mum, yes you’re right I am stuck up. Whilst we’re at it, my wife and her family are arseholes and the reason I’m so stuck up . From now on, only you shall see the baby’.

How was this going to end well?

You need to apologise profusely and say you only said it because you were hurt and you love and miss him. To be honest it might take time though - to have done this when baby is so young was really unfair.

BruFord · 20/10/2024 23:27

Not inviting you to her baby shower suggests that his GF hasn't had a great relationship with you for a while.

Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:28

Noseybookworm · 20/10/2024 23:26

I think it's sad that your son and daughter in law haven't made more effort to have you see the baby - maybe they feel your disapproval of their lifestyle and values and this is why they have distanced themselves? You certainly haven't helped the situation by sitting him down and being critical of him and his wife. If you want to mend fences, you need to apologise and tell him that you love him and are proud of how well he's done for himself. Tell him you have been feeling hurt and would love a closer relationship with his wife and your grandson.

Lovely message

FiveTreeHill · 20/10/2024 23:28

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:26

Didn't say I didn't like his gf at all, she wasn't even mentioned

Show quote history

You said he I'd stuck up and has changed since being with her. The means g behind that statement is very clear

Tahlbias · 20/10/2024 23:28

I'm really sorry to hear this OP

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/10/2024 23:30

Of course you were wrong to bring it up. How did you honestly think the conversation was going to go? Did you expect your DS to say "You're absolutely right. My wife and I are a pair of stuck up snobs."?

However much their behaviour was offending you, don't join in with other family members badmouthing them. If you want to ever see your grandchild it will have to be on the parents' terms and you will now need to apologise first.

sweaterrweatherr · 20/10/2024 23:30

Do you have anything nice to say about your son? It's very very obvious you don't like his gf because she's from a well off family. She probably knows this too.

Her parents are there to support their daughter. You've told your son you don't like them and think they're stuck up, of course you won't be invited round. You may be hurt but I expect your son and gf are as well.

It isn't always a welcome gift when someone offloads used baby/children's things. And as it's their first baby, they may want to get/choose their own baby things to pass down.

Femme2804 · 20/10/2024 23:32

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 22:57

No I've only met the baby once.

I've asked a few times would today be okay to visit and there's always an excuse.

But her parents always manage to get around there

Show quote history

How about before the baby comes? How was your relationship with the girlfriend?

Saschka · 20/10/2024 23:33

BruFord · 20/10/2024 23:27

Not inviting you to her baby shower suggests that his GF hasn't had a great relationship with you for a while.

Edited

There were no family at any of the baby showers I’ve been to - just friends. Maybe a sister or cousin if they are close.

I didn’t have one myself, but if I had it wouldn’t have occurred to me to invite my ILs. I wouldn’t even have invited my own mother.

neilyoungismyhero · 20/10/2024 23:35

They're both a couple of snooty shits and you and your daughter deserve better.

Catoo · 20/10/2024 23:36

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:16

The pair of them are stuck up

They look down on people that don't own a home or Don't have careers

there's no arguing they are stuck up and a few people within the family have said the same thing about them (not to their faces)

Show quote history

Here’s the problem OP.

His family, including you, all call him stuck up because he’s gone out and got a good job and nice house and met someone richer than you all.

So what if they want new things for their baby if they can afford them?

If you want to be part of their lives you are going to have to drop the inverted snobbery and judging them for spending their money in the way they want to. You’ll need to cut out bitching about them with other family members.

In time he may unblock you when they are into a good routine with baby, and if you haven’t already apologised by then, you will need to.

I also think it’s normal that she will want her own mother with her to help in these early days when she’s still a bit vulnerable.

If he talks down to you about your job etc in future, don’t bottle it up, just ask him not to be like that because it seems like he’s ashamed and it makes you feel sad.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/10/2024 23:36

Yes, you were wrong to bring it up. Attacking someone like that will never end way. There are diplomatic ways to talk about how you're feeling instead.

My MIL did what you did, albeit a lot worse than you...and after 2.5yrs of her continued attacks, we cut her out and she's never met her grandchildren.

There are consequences to actions.

If I were you, I'd write them a letter ASAP, apologising, admitting you were out of line, and offering them an olive branch to reconnect, whenever they are ready. If my MIL had done this after her first outburst, we'd have been ok and reconciled.

BruFord · 20/10/2024 23:36

Saschka · 20/10/2024 23:33

There were no family at any of the baby showers I’ve been to - just friends. Maybe a sister or cousin if they are close.

I didn’t have one myself, but if I had it wouldn’t have occurred to me to invite my ILs. I wouldn’t even have invited my own mother.

Show quote history

@Saschka I’ve been to friends-only baby showers as well, but I’m guessing that in this case, the maternal grandma was invited?

Otherwise I’m not sure why OP mentioned it.

ginntonic1 · 20/10/2024 23:37

Why would you want to be in contact with them anyway if they are so stuck up and spoilt? This confuses me, you have nothing nice to say about them yet you are envious of other grandparents seeing them every day.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 20/10/2024 23:38

I think not being invited to a baby shower is irrelevant. Lots of people don't invite parents or in-laws, often just close friends. I see them like hen dos, it would be rare to invite parents and in-laws to those too.

Whaaaaaat · 20/10/2024 23:40

If they have already pushed you away by only letting you see the baby once, you’ve handed him the reason to cut you off on a plate by telling him you think he is stuck up.
If you think he is looking down on you, you then criticising him and his choices is going to lower his opinion of you even further.
To put it bluntly he sounds embarrassed by you, and you and his sister have probably solidified this belief by bringing down a happy time in his life with your negative opinions. You have ganged up on him and doubled down on a ‘them vs Us’ situation. Where as he is playing happy families with the inlaws. I think you are going to find it difficult to turn things around.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/10/2024 23:42

Calling someone stuck up is always going to get a defensive response. It may be that it's the truth, but attacking someone's character and then expecting them to be receptive to your message is unlikely to go well.

Maybe when things have calmed down, write them a letter better explaining how you feel a bit left out and bit dad rather than going on the attack?