My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

I think they have both been very unfair & unkind to only let you see the baby once and now to block you for speaking out.

It is quite obvious he has become a snob that is ashamed of his mum working as a cleaner and living in a small flat (sorry). His in laws are probably middle class and that is the lifestyle he aspires to now. It's all very well to be upwardly mobile in my opinion, but not to be unkind to your own mum just because she reminds him that he was bought up working class.

I would send a simple Sorry that I upset you message and leave it at that. Hopefully he will come round in time. At the end of the day you love him unconditionally and he knows that. The same can not be said of his in laws who will always put their daughter's feelings first. One day he may regret not valuing his relationship with you more, but I don't see that you can force him to value it at the moment.

That wasn't the wisest thing you could have done, OP, irrespective of whether you were right. But cutting you off does appear extreme unless there is a pattern here which strangers on the www cannot see. If your assumption that your son is ashamed of his family because of their socio-economic background is in any way correct, then perhaps all you've done is given him the reason he wanted to cut you off in any case. If that's so, his attiude is quite disgusting and it's one he may amend in time, or he may not.

Whatever is the case, your only option now is to eat a large slice of humble pie and hope he comes round. It doesn't really matter who is 'right' here; what matters is the child's right to a relationship with their grandparents.

‘Elevated’ your life and ‘made more of your lot’ - it’s very telling language. You think you are better than them, and they know it.

Not everyone is motivated by money.

I think there’s mistakes on both sides here, but whilst yours was borne out of frustration and hurt, his actions are borne out of shame and embarrassment, which is in my opinion far less forgiveable. also saying you can never see your grandchild again is unbelievably unkind, over what was an argument. I half wonder if the gf thought ‘aha! I have an excuse to ditch them now for good’ when your son told her about the argument.

All these people saying she’s only just had a baby etc… only letting a grandparent see the baby once in two months? That’s just cruel.

OP I’m really sorry. Your son is behaving in such a pathetic way. Clearly he’s being made to feel inadequate but that doesn’t let him off the hook. Telling you to return clothes because gf doesn’t like a certain brand - really horrible and rude.

I think maybe write a letter saying you are sorry for the argument but point out you have only seen the child once, and that you feel he is ashamed of you, but your cleaning money helped pay for his upbringing! (Assuming it was a happy one). I think then back off.

So sorry this has happened.
Could you lay low for a couple of weeks and then send a text/letter apologising for what you said?
Sounds as though what you said was true but some things are best left unsaid.
I hope things work out in the end x

All sorts of hurt feelings here, sending a hug and hoping you can all say sorry and move on. x

OP there is a great supportive thread on Gransnet for support around Estrangement.

There’s a phrase op
Least said, soonest mended

My ex sil used to treat my dm like shit.
However, she got to see her dgc regularly. That’s why she put up with it.

Your ds sounds horrible but all you have done is justify his nastiness.
Bide your time now.
Send birthday and Christmas wishes and little gifts for the baby.
And keep your opinions to yourself.

My mother has never approved of my DH, career choice, house I live in, what I wear. etc there is always an opinion and it's always given.

Some of her opinions are truly damaging and very unkind. Sometimes, for my mental health I have to go low contact. She's also mean to our children and my lovely DD has refused to see her again.

My mother has never reflected that her behaviour and attitudes towards us is the reason my DD will not see her.

I'd love for my mother to say she's proud of us, for once and say something nice.

Your opinions, comments etc have an impact.

Your son is 35 and you noticed he’s changed since being with this gf. What was your relationship like before he met this gf?
I think you should write a letter telling him that you love him, will always be there for him and want to build a relationship with your grandchild and the gf. Apologise for calling them stuck up and hope you can move forward

That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

This was your mistake. You framed it really clumsily. You made it all about the negative impacts of his GF. You made him make a choice and he has chosen her. Also you have now given her ammunition to never like you.
If you want to make peace you need to apologise.

I would have concentrated on organising visits to your GC.
You have asked to visit on the day 'Are you free today?'
That didn't work. Ask 'can I come round on Friday?'

If they keep not letting you see GC you need to ask them why and how you can fit in. Not turn it against you DS's partner.

If he says shitty comments about your job and flat, I would call him out on that. He is being extremely rude and patronising.

From what you have said, they don't sound very pleasant people, however, do you want to see your GC?

Ah you should have asked your family to zip it, you don't want to hear gossip like this.

You don't know how her parents view your son. They might not approve of him.

Forget the baby when you apologise, it's your son that needs your support, so say sorry to him without mentioning baby.

Exactly this. You sound very judgemental/scornful (reverse snobbery). I can only imagine that has come across. Im
sure you’ll say it hasn’t and you’ve never said anything etc but people can tell. The wording in your post is full of barbs. There’s a reason they’re not inviting you over all the time.

Ugh.

Have you ever told your son that you are proud of his achievements? Because, frankly, I would be proud if either of mine had done what he appears to have done. You seem to only say he is snobby.
I just feel that there is probably more going on here, that you concentrate on him being snobby, and not on him doing well.

There’s obviously a lot more to this with your own behaviour. Children just don’t cut their parents off. My mother in law would paint herself in the same light as you. Doting mother and grandmother just wanting to help but wicked DIL took her son away from her when in reality she did some terrible things.

There is nothing wrong with getting on and having a career and a nice house, car and so on. I did that (well actually I choose to drive an old and economical car). It doesn't meant that you have to pretend you hatched out of an egg and your working class parents don't exist. I admit that whining about being happy at the local chippy when in a nice restaurant would grate. My working class immigrant parents though were thrilled about our success.

It shows somebody with a very tenuous grasp on being middle class who behaves this way to his parents and whines about their flat being too small and their job being too badly paid. My parents made huge sacrifices to give me the opportunities they couldn't enjoy. Yes, I changed my accent, the way I dressed and acted and had an education and career that was totally out of their reach. But my parents supported me at university, were endlessly encouraging and so on. My mother who never even finished high school had a wonderful relationship with her grandsons - the oldest will shortly qualify as a doctor and the other has recently graduated from university and is job hunting. Yes, I married up but my husband was never anything but welcoming to my mother and neither were our sons.

I am very sorry that your son has chosen to behave this way. My grandfather though - one of the illiterate peasant farmer ones - used to say that its a long road but there's a turn. It might be better in the original language. I think it's sort of a variation about being careful about the people you clamber over on the way to the top because you might meet them on the way down. I think it might be significant that the mother hasn't married your son - perhaps they've told her he's just "not our sort".

What shite

If the gf had posted on her that her mil had sat her partner down and complained that he'd changed since meeting her, which can only be a criticism of her, and he'd agreed, promised to change and come back and told her that she must take the baby round regularly, then she'd be told he's a mummy's boy, need to cut the apron strings or ltb.

We only have the op's word that he's snobby. She's used two things he said, which we don't know the tone or context, and the fact he didn't want the 2nd hand things, which some people don't.

Maybe the gf feels criticised by op, and her parents aren't round so much seeing the baby as helping their dd. Has op offered to go round and help with something practical or has it been all I need to see my grandchild.
We don't know.

So we don't know the rights or wrongs on the situation, except it was clearly the wrong thing to do. Anyone would be upset if their mum and sister hanged up like this.

It seems to me that he doesn't feel
Good enough and is hanging on to this new lifestyle !! And sadly he needs to come down to earth and realise that you are the person who has raised him to be the man that he is , without you he wouldn't exist and the example that he will be showing his child is not a good one.
What will he tell his child as it grows and asks about his family ?? "Sorry they just weren't posh enough " I think no matter what money or lifestyle you have , you can't buy respect and sadly it seems this is lacking !!

You criticised the person he loves and the mother of his child. You shouldn't have bought it up. It's already a sensitive time for them with a new baby and perhaps she's struggling, which is why her parents come to help. Whatever it is, I don't think anything needed to be addressed really at that time. If I was you I would apologise to them both and hope that things can be smoothed over. Because time with your grandchild is important

This is making me think of the Missing Missing Reasons. Estranged parents never seem to be able to come up with reasons they might have been cut off, but it's a big thing for a child to cut a parent off for no reason. It could just be that he's embarrassed by OP's social status, I suppose, but the way this post has been written suggests she doesn't like or respect him very much, isn't proud of him, and hasn't tried to get on with his GF either.

I don't know what you expected to happen by having a go at him. Even if it's true.

You'd have done better to approach it more gently and say something like you would love to see them more.

Regardless of your feelings towards your son's girlfriend, and the changes in your son since being with her....you shouldn't have criticised her and put all the blame at her front door. It's natural upon having a baby that a daughter may rely on her own parents more than her partner's. You should have approached this with the aim to see your Grandson more often, not to criticise your daughter-in-law. You may very well be correct with your analysis but it would have been better to keep your opinions on her to yourself. You were never going to win, against the daughter-in-law, your son will and rightly so back up his partner. Going forward, all you can do is send a letter and apologise, and say didn't mean to upset anyone, you just felt left out and you didn't matter. You will have to see if you can amend bridges....but don't be surprised if it doesn't work.

He's ashamed of his background now and wants to gloss over it. I'd leave it a week then write him a letter - apologise for what you said (don't make excuses or go through it all, just a straight 'I'm sorry for what I said'), tell him you're pleased he's doing well and wish him and his little family well, then just 'Love Mum x'. Leave the ball in his court, send the baby a Christmas present and the parents a card, keep the communication open and give it time. You've been given a stark choice - toe the party line or lose touch with them, good luck x