My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

You are right for pointing out to him how you feel, but you should have left his girlfriend out of it.

Relationships where people come from very different backgrounds can be a bit tricky to negotiate. That said there's no excuse for him criticising your job and home.

It's one of those where I think you're "in the right" but that doesn't actually count for anything if your DS doesn't want to know. I'd be inclined to apologise for your bad timing but not for what was said. I don't think you should have to grovel for someone that's treated you so badly.

To be honest it doesn’t sound like you and your son had a close relationship to begin with, it sounds like he doesn’t feel the same way about you as you do. He doesn’t like how you treat him perhaps. You seem to see family as a duty whereas he seems keen to distance himself from you. If he doesn’t like you, it makes sense that he’s not socialising with you unfortunately

Reading between the lines, it sounds like your financial situation is different than your son’s. Did your son grow up poor and has now changed his lifestyle? It seems like there’s probably a culture clash eg with your daughter’s 2nd hand baby things, you feel offended that he didn’t take her offer. You accused him of being stuck up - how did you expect him to respond? He might have just wanted to have the rush and excitement of choosing baby items himself - that doesn’t mean he’s stuck up. You come across as critical. In turn he’s being critical of your job/home.

It just seems like he’s changed his circumstances and there’s a bit of resentment on both sides.

🤮

What has he got to feel ashamed of, that his mother has two cleaning jobs? Shame on her son, ditching his mother for his girlfriend and her stuck up family.

I agree completely , I'm sure if there were to be any problems or if his new family didn't work out the very first place he would be would be at his mothers door for some unconditional love x

I’ve seen the sons of a couple of friends being drawn in to their wives’ families with regard to grandchildren, whilst their parents are sidelined, regardless of the balance of finances. Unless their MIL is toxic, it’s quite hurtful.

My own ma in law never interfered, or offered an opinion unless she was asked. I’ve attempted to do likewise, and have built up a good relationship with DDIL. I hope OP you get to see your grandchild, very sad when a son and his mother fall out.

It doesn't sound like there was much of a relationship prior to to babies arrival so unsure why you would expect it after babies arrival. Your son is a grown man and can make his own decisions for what is best for him.

Adding to my previous, my maternal family don't like me because I cruelly cut my mother off for a few years after university. I have a decent relationship with her now, but it was strained and minimal for several years.

She left me home alone to go out drinking most evenings when I was aged about 8-12 and was generally a fun combination of neglectful and verbally/physically abusive for a few years during my youth. I now think menopause probably triggered her behaviour, and we did have our good times, relationships are complicated etc etc. But for a while I just hated her and needed distance. My family know none of that - I never told anyone - and she's very prone to crying to her sisters about her woes. So of course I'm the selfish child who thought she was too good to be there for her mum.

Strangers on the internet can't know the real story. But they say that actions speak louder than words, and cutting a parent off is a big action.

So, this is the 'other side' of what happens when women manage to bin off their MILs from theirs and their partner's life. DiL has won, she's kept her own family close while ostracising her partner's own mother.
These women really piss me off, no, I'm not a MIL to a DIL myself, but I constantly see posts here, MIL bashing, with other women advising that they cut off their partner's mother. I'm only glad that I have a daughter, not a son, because I couldn't bear to go through that.
OP, I don't know what to suggest unfortunately, it seems that DIL has won. I can only say that at least you have another child, concentrate on the side of your family that deserves you 💐.

Which is absolute cobblers,

I think you've had some odd responses, OP. It's true that it was probably unwise to tell your son he was stuck up, but I think other posters are minimising his attitude. It's not having a good job, a nice house or wanting new stuff for his baby that makes him stuck up. It's being critical of his mother's house and job, rejecting her present for the baby and avoiding giving her contact with her grandchild from day 1 while allowing the rich grandparents constant access. It could not be more obvious that he's ashamed of her and keen to get in with the rich in-laws.

Do you smoke OP?

@MummytoBoth

"Sorry to hear this op! My nanna used to have a saying “ a daughters a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife”. Sending love."

This is an actual phrase my grandmothers used too.

I think it's ironic the level of criticism this phrase is getting when you see the comments being posted on this thread and other threads about new parents being closer to the wife's family, and issues with ILs etc it's blatantly clear the phrase isn't far off the mark

I think you’re missing the point. For me, it’s clear that OP and her son don’t get along, as you mention - they both make petty jabs at each other. It sounds like an unhealthy dynamic so I’m not surprised he cut contact.

My sister has done similar to our mum. My parents are reasonably well off but my sisters in laws are rich and pay for holidays, hobbies, cars and were even going to lend them money for a massive house. My sister has fallen out with my mum over something half imagined by my sister. Shallow people are shallow. Sounds like your son is the same way. Forgetting all the things youve done for him to enable him to get a good job, a house etc.

Im sorry this happened. You must be so sad especially when theres a baby involved.

It might simply be that your DS no longer has much in common with family members who didn't get an education and move up and out. He's tried to be tactful about not wanting hand me downs etc but hints weren't taken. I was your son. I grew up on the same sprawling council estate as my cousins, for whom Friday night at the local working mans club was the highlight of the week. They were all very close but I had very little in common with them and couldn't wait to escape. I didn't fall out with my DM because she didn't have a massive chip on her shoulder but she was never super involved in her GCs lives. She was my mother and I loved her but she never really understood my life as an adult.

OP I deeply sympathise with you, I know this must be a really hard time. However, looking at it from the other side, for your son to hear secondhand from his sister that you think him and his girlfriend (the mother of his child) are stuck up will have likely really stung, particularly when they’ve got a new baby and likely very sleep deprived and finding their feet.

My advice would be to give it some time for the dust to settle and then reach out. Maybe via letter or some form where you can get your words out. Tell them you are sorry for anything you have said that may have upset them, that you would love to be in their lives and see your grandchild, that you will do anything you can to make this right if they’ll let you. I know this will not feel fair but you risk not having any relationship with them and your grandchild if you let this fester. If they still reject you then that really is their loss.

When we say he is stuck up, do we mean that he is successful?

The UK is a weird place where it is somehow "wrong" to be successful and have money.

Your son doesn't sound like a pleasant man but dramatically confronting him with your daughter to tell him his failings and how much you don't like him was unwise.

It's understandable you are frustrated about your relationship but letting it all out in such an accusatory way is not going to make him more inclined to include you in his life.

It would have been better to talk about wanting to see him and the baby more rather than framing your complaints as jealousy of the inlaws.

In future try and cast aside your judgement of him and his lifestyle the way you would wish he'd stop judging you. Focus on the relationship between you and your son, don't criticise the mother of his child even implicitly and don't include your daughter, their sibling relationship is separate and any falling out they may have should stay between them too.

It sounds like the relationship has been a powder keg for a while but you absolutely lit a match with the way you spoke to him.

It's not wrong to be successful, it's wrong to be derogatory towards your mother's home and the fact she works two jobs cleaning.

And just as it’s wrong to be scornful of other peoples success and desire to not have hand me downs for the first child if they choose!

To be close to your grandchild you need to have a close relationship to the parents. It sounds like before the baby you didn’t and when the baby arrived unsurprisingly that didn’t didn’t change.

You and your daughter (and extended family) will have made it very clear you don’t approve of your son’s upward mobility to the middle class and they both will be well aware of that.

You were extremely foolish to verbalise that to your son. He will have told his partner and your opinion of her and your complaints will be very hard for her to forget. She and he won’t want your nasty behaviour clouding what should be a time of great joy.

I would advise a very humble and sincere apology, no non apology (ie “I’m sorry your feelings were hurt”, “ I’m sorry but ..insert excuse here”) and take full responsibility for your words and judgemental comments and promise to change. Without this and sharpish, you have zero hope of getting back in their lives.

Your focus on reunification should be on your relationship with son and dil, not the gc.

I wish you'd come here before the conversation with your son. Too late now, but I'd send him a letter apologising because despite his awful behaviour, you were wrong.
You could be describing (to a point) my DIL. Her parents are much more wealthy than we are (privately educated, gifted financially amounts that would be life changing to most). She is very close to her DM too, she even works for her.
I don't see DIL as a snob or spoilt (she's never known any different), financially fortunate, yes, but certainly not better than us, nor do I compare my relationship with her, to hers with her DM.
I don't try to compete. I'm content with my life, there's no bitchiness or jealousy of how easy financially they appear to have it. I also don't get that from my faimily, in the way there appears to be around you.
Slowly, over years, I've navigated a relationship based on mutual respect, getting to know DIL personally. I never intrude and embrace the difference. Her family are cash rich but time poor. I'll cook meals for them, bake her favourite cake. I have the time so I'll also do things such as help in the garden. I love seeing the life they've built and am glad they don't struggle financially.
Reverse snobbery is alive and well as much as the opposite. They had a beautiful wedding. I heard so many nasty comments saying what a waste, wondering what it cost, how they spent more on flowers than most spend on a wedding, etc. Those same guests got hammered on the free bar and happily accepted the hospitality.
I think the difference is that your DS seems ashamed of his background. It can't have been so bad because his GF thought he was OK. If he has no respect for you and where he comes from, she was never going to either. I think he's your problem, not her, her parents or money.

I think it’s terrible that your son is ashamed of you for having cleaning jobs. He has forgotten himself and him doing so well, with his good job and 4 bed house is (in part) down to how he was raised. Whilst I wouldn’t have used the words ‘stuck up’ I also wouldn’t tip toe around my own son, or any family member for that matter. Why do so many people think it is okay to be treated like crap as a parent or in law? Respect is a two way street.