My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

This must be a longer term issue than just since the baby was born.

How was your relationship with your son before he met his girlfriend? And after he met her…did things change? Did you have the same contact as before? If you haven’t seen them regularly before the baby was born then it would be strange to suddenly start seeing them regularly now.

Have you actually asked how his partner is? Did she have a traumatic birth or c section? Is she having a hard recovery or some sort of PND? Her parents are there seeing THEIR baby who’s just been through one of the biggest things to ever happen to her and it sounds like you haven’t even given her a thought. Perhaps that’s why you haven’t been invited!

all the stuff about them being stuck up and things sounds like you projecting your own insecurities. Just because someone has the money to buy nice things and chooses to spend it that way doesn’t make them stuck up. Your son probably thinks he’s trying to help you by suggesting ways you can make more money without having to do 2 jobs, you said yourself that he’d worked hard and has a good job so he possibly wants to share your learnings. The fact you told him all this when he has a newborn and think he’s in the wrong is crazy, you need to reflect.

Your son and his gf sound perfect for each other. Personally, I wouldn't have tried to talk to him about bit the way you did but what's done is done. Leave the door open for him to make contact when he is ready - what more can you do?

@Stripeandsquare You are missing the point. The issue between op and DS and his partner are not new.

The op thinks she’s in the right and can admonish DS because she thinks he doesn’t like her job and her perceived low status.It’s a massive insecurity and at the same time a comfort blanket. She comes across as wanting to be the victim and clearly doesn’t like the better off partner or her family. As a result she’s alienating herself from them by not accepting the partner for who she is. Most people do accept others for who they are but if their own lowly virtues are continually rammed home (job, class, family views etc) who needs this all the time? Not her DS it seems. The DS is probably sick of it and so is the partner. They aspire to be different. Can’t say I blame them. The op won’t embrace their views will she?

I feel its the son not accepting the mother for who she is not the other way around to be honest, why does he have the right to comment about her home and job without any consequences but he decides to cut contact for her daring to tell him how she feels. You don't have to look down on where you come from even if you do aspire to be different.

You say they are 'stuck up'. H'mmm. This phrase needs to be unpicked. I'm from a working class background (outside toilet) ~ still am working class as far as I'm concerned, although on a day to day basis I give this no headspace at all. But I've been called 'stuck up' many times. Also been told I'm 'getting above' myself. It's because of the way I speak, and the words I use, and (don't laugh) for using a black pepper grinder with peppercorns instead of using the packet pepper dust. I pronounce 't's and 'th's and once I had the effrontery to say the word 'capacious' in conversation. OP, you just may be one to use 'stuck up' as an attack word. I hope your son lets this bounce off him. You come across as bitter and small minded and I hope you mend your ways, and develop a friendship with your son and grandson. But you won't do this while you're wielding 'stuck up'.

Well how do you describe people who are 'stuck up' though? If OP was judging her son because he is going things differently to her, then fair enough. But if he is judging her for not being the same as his girlfriend's parents, that's pretty awful and the phrase 'stuck up' is apt.

Do you look down on your mums house and tell her she should get a better job?

If so you are stuck up and quite unpleasant, it's not the op being bitter and small minded to tell him he's stuck up when he's saying things like that

If I had to suggest anything to my parents that would involve them not ‘sticking to their working class roots’ they would find a way to make it about me not appreciating where I come from. Unfortunately when people use the words ‘stuck up’ it’s usually because it’s from a place of reverse judgement.

Totally agree.

I know someone who was accused of being stuck up and pretentious by her dad because she started drinking gin and tonic. She's a northern working class girl and apparently, according to her dad (who is never out of the pub) this is disappointing, poncey southern behaviour. He was dead serious.

Exactly. For all you know the DS could have suggested his mother join some sort of cleaning app to offer her services and get paid better and if received in the wrong way it would be him saying ‘get a better job’

If I told my parents that a new carpet would look nice they would take it as me not liking their home!

Let them get on with it. Sooner or later they will be bleating around for free childcare. 🙂

@Twiglets1 Was she a “pudding burner” too? A woman not allowed out of the house at Sunday lunchtime! Working class traits can be very judgemental and anti women.

I ignored the “getting above” yourself jibe from my MIL. I did not want to be like her. I wanted a good job. All this “know your place and be thankful for it” is utter b-shit. Make the money and enjoy it. You don’t owe your roots anything. This is why people emigrated to find a better life. Now we look down on people wanting a better life and call them stuck up. No wonder the economy is struggling.

@Boomer55 Or they could ask the other grandparents who are there already. Or even pay for it. The op might offer child care for £0 but it’s not free of judgement. If will be fun if grandchild goes to a private school. The ultimate horror.

I think you meant to quote @TwigletsAndRadishes

I wonder if OP is like my mil. My DH was the first of his family to go to university. Instead of being proud of him, they go to great pains to go one about how you don’t need to go to university to get a good job, disregarding that many jobs a degree is a basic necessity. They are aren’t a fan of me, old money, private school, masters degree and the main breadwinner. You’d think they’d be pleased he married well considering he isn’t the most practical with money/career. (But an AMAZING human being).

She favours the younger son who didn’t go to university, stayed living at home and is doing things in their (narrow minded) opinion by the book.

I’m a year now of NC, but when they were in our lives it was constant sniping about any decision he/we/I took. They spent their money on different things, nights out and holidays. We spend ours on organic food, books, concerts. And we actually spend a lot less, get everything we can second hand or on discount. But we get judged about spending on “fancy” things, even though they spend far more on their holidays to America multiple times a year. It’s not actually about the money, it’s that we do things differently so they see it as an affront to them, rather than we just have different enjoyments. They aren’t self aware enough to realise this though.

We didn’t go no contact for this though (I’d have tolerated her and just written her off as annoying) , but for a blow up like OP’s that was the straw that broke the camels back after some very nasty things she had previously said/did.

🤣🤣🤣 Can’t wait for that ranty post

I’m sorry OP. How awful of them!! Absolute stuck up snobs by the sound of it.

Leave them to it and focus on your family who do care.

Except that after you bonded so much with your baby, he grows up and you're not allowed to see his child because you don't have the luck to be the mother of a woman. It wouldn't hurt you? I have boys, so I'll always be a second citizen grandmother?

I imagine there's a much larger back story for why this man and his wife have cut the MIL off.

I guess you've learned the hard way. Your post makes it clear you don't like your DIL & 'blame' her. You have a dig at her being an only child, you clearly have views on this. You don't seem to like the fact they want new clothes for the baby. You need to respect their decisions & apologise & try to make amends.

@Twiglets1 So sorry! Who knew? Multiple twiglets.

You can’t have too many Twiglets 😊