My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

I recognise this from my own situation years ago. As the first ( and still only) one in my generation to go to university I was told I was ‘stuck up’, ‘had ideas above my station’ and ‘was trying to be something I wasn’t’.

I worked really hard for everything I had, but when I moved to a nicer house in a better area, I was rejecting my family and a ‘snob’. I was just different and wanted different things. My parents would rather I had married a bloke from round the corner who had been at primary school with me! They never told me they were proud of me, never, once.

Have you told your DS how proud you are of him, congratulated him on his good job and nice home? Or have you ganged up with his DS to make him feel bad when he’s worked hard? No wonder he prefers his ILs.

Has he criticised your home or are you over sensitive? Is it in a rough area and he’d feel better if you moved? As for him saying you should think about other jobs, maybe he does think you could do better because you’re smart and he worries as you get older how working two cleaning jobs will be for you? You’ve chosen to see that as ‘stuck up’ but could it be supportive?

I love my family and am proud of their grit and determination but I often felt they were ashamed of me and my aspirations. They resented me for my success as it undermined their choices.

Maybe look at your attitude towards him and see whether any of this rings true?

Didn't say I didn't like his gf at all, she wasn't even mentioned

You said in your OP that you'd told him he'd changed since he's been with her, hence all the criticism is very obviously aimed at her - you're saying he was fine till he got with her and now he's stuck up etc. So your issues are clearly with her impact on him, which is the truth of it and won't have escaped him. This was really bad timing and not the way to do it. Having a go at him rather than asking what the matter was and how you can help/see the baby more, approaching it gently would've been much wiser. This was only going to go one way right now.

Depends on the context doesn't it?

If OP had been saying she finds her job really hard work and is frustrated she doesn't earn more, than telling her she is very capable and could get a better job if she wanted, is not rude.

OP- I'm interested to know what your relationship was like with your son pre-girlfriend? It might be that the current blocking you was a gut reaction to the things you said, and he'll unblock shortly, or it might be a last straw type response.

Unlike others, I disagree that people cut off their loving, supportive mothers for minor disagreements - that's a fairly radical step to take. If you've never been that close (or his sister is visibly the favourite, for example) it might be more explainable.

Your son may be a horrible man who is ashamed of his background and his family.

Or he may be a regular grown man who is imperfect like we all are, may have some chips on his shoulder about where he is from, has just become a new parent, doesn't have a close relationship with his mum, feels that she thinks his wife and her family are stuck up.

His mum and sister, rather than expressing that they want to bridge the distance between them, be able to support with the new baby more, get to know the wife, have expressed frustration that they're not getting their fair share of baby time and implied that it's all because of his wife and her family.

How would you expect that to go?

Op could this be you projecting ?
It could be that you feel inferior to the GF’s family so that everything that your ds says is taken as a slight against you.
For example , your ds may be encouraging you to get another job because he doesn’t want you putting stress on your body and thinks that you would be great at doing other things. However, you may have see this as him being ‘stuck up’ because you feel that he is comparing you to his GF’s family
Also, as others have said, when a woman has had a baby she is usually more comfortable with her own mother being around her in her vulnerable state. The GF may even have post natal depression or be extremely exhausted and doesn’t have the strength to be the perfect DIL. There are so many variables.
However, I find it hard to believe that your ds cut his whole family off because he is a ‘snob’.
Op, examine your own behaviour and think about how you may have contributed to the break down of the relationship

Well, or the OP’s son has changed since his childhood (hardly surprising as he’s 35) and the OP finds it easier to attribute this to his wife’s negative influence? I notice that all the time on here — it’s clearly easier to blame the non-blood relative for things you don’t like in your family member.

Maybe she enjoys her jobs and the hours suit her . Someone has to clean . Imagine the state of a hospital without cleaners! And bring a cleaner didn't do her son any harm either

Many working class families are so entrenched in the notion that ‘you must not forget where you came from’ that they conversely look down on anyone who manages to escape it.

My parents in spite of me providing them with a nice house and car seem to always ‘remind’ me of their relative poverty and seem to be unwilling to step away from the things they believe keep them ‘real’ and make me a snob. These include hand me downs, questionable leftover food (which I strongly detest as an option), turning off the heating when there is no need… They have a very special way of making me feel guilty for not having to worry about those things (even though they don’t have to either) and I can see the disdain in my fathers face when I refuse to buy into the idea. I’ve too been called a snob for rising above the financial constrains of my childhood.

‘Her parents say so’- they is a huge reach. In my experience at 35 it’s either because they don’t really value marriage, or, if it’s something they’d like to do, they have prioritised having children due to their age and will plan a wedding for a few years time.

My view OP… telling someone they are stuck up and criticising their postpartum partner is never going to make them do what you
want. This kind of Confrontation is for
when you feel you’ve got nothing to lose… but at this point you should have stuck to persevering with being helpful, inviting them over, offering to babysit etc…

You owe your son and his partner a huge apology and time to forgive you. Write a letter expressing that you’ve been hurt and dealt with it badly. That you regret saying what you
did and it was driven by a desire to be a good grandma. You’re here for them when they need you and love them all (you’ll get nowhere criticising the partner or her parent, resenting them for being rich).

Is there something really obvious here that you are not acknowledging or realising? Are you a heavy smoker and they don't want you breathing fag breath all over the baby? Or anything similar that might be an issue?

Without digging in to the whole situation, it strikes me that you said you've messaged a few times about popping in and 'They're always busy that day'.

As a recent first time Mum myself I can understand that they're busy 'that day' if you're messaging in the morning and literally saying 'can I come today?'. We would either already have plans out of the house, already have visitors coming, or be 'busy' having a quiet day at home after a lot of the above. It's very rare we are open to spontaneous on the day plans, even from family.

Perhaps it's a silly question but did you try asking when they were free for a visit in advance? If we've got something in the diary for the week then we make our other plans around that.

As a MiL with a son and daughter-in-law, separated by a long, busy drive from them, I understand how you can fell left out. Sometimes I ached to be a bigger part of their life as I was really close to my maternal grandparents. My own parents were very close to my son, too. I found it hard at the beginning and felt unwanted. It's true that a paternal grandmother does not hold the same sway as a maternal gran in the beginning - a new mother will look to her own if they have a happy relationship.

Fast forward 10 years - I am the one they call on for holiday child care. The children prefer me as they have more fun with me. Give it time, apologise to your son for your remarks. I'd call around with a bunch of flowers for the gf and just remind her that you would love to help out if she needs you. If you do that on the off chance and she doesn't invite you in, just smile and say that you hope to see them all soon. That way you can leave her to reflect on her behaviour, too.
You did offend him with your remarks, you need to take the first step to rectify the situation.

Cleaning is really physical work though. I’ve done it and can be exhausting especially in hotels/ holiday homes somewhere when you are given timings. I moved to behind a laptop in my early 40s and am awfully glad of it. You’d think it would keep you fit but I found it really draining. Apparently people with low paid, labour intensive jobs die younger too.

I’d encourage someone my age or older to consider a different job especially if regularly finding it physically challenging.

What did you think will be the out come of this op? I mean it was clearly obvious this was going to be the case, I can’t fathom what you expected.

and being a snob is no worse than being an inverted snob. Which is what you’re displaying with all this stuck up nonsense.

To add. I wouldn't think too much of them turning down or 'forgetting' hand me downs either, if they're quite well off.

We're comfortable although not swimming in money and I've turned down a lot of hand me downs because a) I enjoy choosing things for our Son myself, even where that is from charity shops and b) if something is to be given away for free I'd rather it go to someone who is in genuine need of it.

• "When are you going to get a better job with better money"

"When are your going to get a bigger home, this flat is ridiculously small I couldn't live in a flat myself"*
Your son is nasty, where does he suggest you magic up this job and new house?

I agree with this. I feel that people block others so easily on social media, that it has spilt over into doing the same with family members. Family relationships can be difficult, I had a period where I was estranged from my Mum, actually for reasons that have a similar thread to yours, (eg my Mum felt I was more involved with my in-laws, which wasn’t true actually, but she was upset) but blocking your own mother from contacting you is surely only a last resort in a relationship where there has been genuine abuse, not the normal friction that comes with changes in family dynamics.
OP you say that your son has been critical of you for some time, looking down on your home and job. I think this can happen when people shift into a life that they see as above the one they have left, but your son’s priorities here are rather skewed. You are his Mum and it shouldn’t matter where you live or what you do. Fair enough he may want to live differently, that is fine, but he isn’t acting in a loving way at all. It is understandable that you are hurt.
Let the dust settle, then in a few weeks write to him and say how much you love him, that you have felt for a while that he looks down on your life, which has hurt you a lot, and that hurt combined with not seeing your grandchild caused your outburst. Explain that it came from feeling very upset and shut out, and that you are sorry if you have made the situation more difficult. Hopefully he will think about it and realise he has reacted in a hot headed way to the criticism.

"They had a beautiful wedding. I heard so many nasty comments saying what a waste, wondering what it cost, how they spent more on flowers than most spend on a wedding, etc. Those same guests got hammered on the free bar and happily accepted the hospitality."

😂So Funny and I can just imagine it too

I'm sorry OP you must be so upset to have a lovely new grandson and only met him once. It does sound like your DS is swept away with his GF and her family and has little regard for his own family. Hopefully he'll cool off soon and realise he's been unreasonable and unkind.
Like pp suggested try writing a short letter and maybe invite them over for lunch or go out somewhere if that would be better? I don't think you were wrong to call him up on his behaviour particularly if he was like it before baby was born. I hope it works out soon.

Yes, nothing about this suggests a concern that mum struggles with a physical job or that he is ‘bigging her up’ about doing something else because he believes she is ‘capable’. He sounds awful and op should be ashamed of him, not the other way round.

That's so true. There is an awful lot of inverted snobbery among many WC class people, which I can only imagine is rooted in insecurity and envy. Especially with people who have achieved social mobility through education or success in business. It's as if they should 'know their station' and not try to emulate their betters. They are often accused of being 'pretentious' for having the audacity to carve out a different life with different interests or goals than the ones they and their family or friends grew up around.

So many people seem to assume that someone who has done well for themselves is automatically going to change personality and is bound to look down sneerily upon those who have done less well, including them.

Sometimes just having a nicer house in a better area, or being able to afford decent holidays and nice 'stuff', is taken as evidence of 'snobbery' or being 'stuck up' when it's nothing of the sort. If those people are distancing themselves from people they previously hung out with and had loads in common with, it might be because they are tired of having to fend off these accusations, tired of having to justify how they live, and tired of being made to feel guilty about it. I've been there and it's very draining to constantly have these things pointed out to you when you are essentially the same person you always were.

@TwigletsAndRadishes ,you don't know my FIL do you? This is him to a t!

This says far more about your character than it does OP's.

Stuck up or ambitious and determined to achieve upward social mobility?

My H's family all sneered at him for going to university and then becoming an army officer because 'that's not for the likes of us', they thought he should get a trade. He tried to encourage his family to think bigger than just having physical jobs that would leave their bodies worn out by their 50s. It was never about thinking what they did was beneath him, but about wanting a better life for all his family, and for them not to work themselves into an early grave. They were openly critical of me, would barely speak to me, because I am from a wealthy background.

I always think there are two sides to all of these things, and it would be really interesting to know the son and GFs interpretation of how they have been treated for trying to be successful.

I wouldn't have told him that he was stuck up but I would have definitely told him that his comments were rude, unkind and unfair.