My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

I'm sorry you're being shut out from enjoying the new baby. I wish my MIL would bother to ask to come over or ask for pictures. I reached out for the first 3 months sending pictures and such and got little interaction. She seems to only remember her granddaughters existence when it suits her. That being said, naturally I go to my own mum first in regards to help during post partum as she is my mum, i trust her implicitly. I would apologise for criticising, I'm sure you remember how you felt during that first year and the pressure and stress without hearing criticisms from others. I dont think you should be punished for wanting to be a part of the new babys life, you just went about explaining your hurt the wrong way.

I think this is 6 of 1, and half a dozen of the other, if you want to be in touch again whatever you do don’t let babies 1st Christmas go without sending a card or letter or gift, that is your best chance to reunite.

It makes it very uncomfortable to spend time with my parents in my environment when they are constantly judging things, asking how much things cost and rolling their eyes.... We took my parents on a pretty decent holiday and my dad never acknowledged any of the 'nice' experiences or food but kept saying how he would be happy to sleep in a backpackers and eat at the chippy across the road.

Its got to the point now that when we go out for a meal we choose somewhere where my dad is not likely to roll his eyes at the menu and exclaim loudly at the prices.

Why do you need a new car? How much is the car? Why do you need to decorate? Do I realise that my grandfather had pumpkin seeds in his strawberry jam during the war?

Their fridge is full of questionable leftovers! And shopping with my mom is an extreme sport when she moans loudly at everything and exclaims how she could never wear things that price! I want to hide away but if I tell her to keep her voice down, Im a snob and I must remember where she bought my clothes from when I was growing up.

That does sound a bit wearing!!!

I guess the flip side is that it might be a bit difficult for them to watch a week’s budget being spent on a meal out and they may perceive a ‘lady bountiful’ attitude if you’re treating them, even if it’s the last thing you intend?

Are you focused on supporting the new parents or seeing the baby, OP? It sounds like you have asked to visit regularly and I agree it’s a bit unfair of your son to keep turning you away. However, if they are finding it tough, perhaps what they need is help. My in laws are brilliant with my newborn, and of course they want to come and see DC, and cuddle. They take DC for walks in the pram & bring me lunch or cakes. They are absolutely fab. But my dad? He comes and does all our washing and ironing, strips and makes the beds and cleans the bathroom. When DC was newborn he would make my dinner & arrive with a freezer bag full of meals. He comes to visit and look after me, his daughter, first, then to see GC. If he was here at bathtime he would peek in on GC and then be off scooping up dirty clothes & wet towels & making sure our dinner was on.

Have you offered them practical help, OP? Is this perhaps why the other grandparents are round a lot?

My mum would buy 2nd hand, I'd ask her not to. Not because I was a snob but because she'd give me clothes that stunk or didn't fit. She ignored my requests and still bought them. If I rejected them, I was told how ungrateful and snobby I was...
Same for Xmas, I'd ask her not to. I'd get given a tonne of crap only fit for the tip, no where to store it, because it made HER feel good. She didn't care that I'd respectfully said please don't waste your money buying us stuff.
My mum would always ask how much things cost.. always. I think she had issues with money and resented how well I'd done for myself.

I think you may have judged your son and his wife, ignored his requests and your feelings are probably much more transparent than you realise and his wife can't be bothered with it. You don't just cut your mother out for no reason, it's usually been a big build up

Perhaps, which is why

1. I have bought them their retirement home so they have more disposable income (they were never living hand to mouth before regardless but this does make their life easier)
2. We limit our time with them to places and events which are low conflict in this regard. This unfortunately often includes our home which is my source of pride but I feel they look at in disdain.

Yeah, screw everything she did for him, right?

OP, so sorry you are being treated this way by your son and his g/f.You know now it was unwise of you and your daughter to express your feelings about the current situation, and to blame your son's g/f for his behaviour, but l totally understand it was because you felt hurt and excluded and this must have been very painful.
His g/f turned to her parents for support and invovement in the baby's life and your son has gone along with it.
You say he has changed and sadly he now sounds totally enmeshed in his g/f's wealthy family and their lifestyle.
Snobbery and some of the comments made to you about your job and your less affluent situation are unfortunately part of the reason too. Hearing that must have been very hurtful and l'm not surprised you are upset.
For now there's not much you can do but l would still write to them, and express your hurt at being excluded from your grandson's life. Also send your grandson a Christmas present and keep making contact in this way. Hopefully in time your son will regret his unkind reaction.

Children don’t owe adults for the rest of their lives.

Having a baby isn't a 'get out of jail free' card for treating other people like shit. There's no justification here for denying the OP a few visits with her grandchild - baby is at home, not in hospital or anything.
Son has made it clear that his shiny new life is more important than his mum and sister.
Am presuming it's his mother's job which enabled this pillock to get an education and a more highly paid/socially valued job himself!

OP shouldn't apologise - she isn't wrong. Normal people don't cut their own mothers off because she's said something he doesn't like. They discuss it, have a row even, but they don't block their own mums! He's just done what he wanted to do in the first place, but now has an excuse for. And that's on him, not OP. Even if she did apologise, it won't change anything because son is ashamed of her, she doesn't fit with his new image of how he sees himself.

OP shouldn't let herself be treated like shit on his shoe. Sometimes as a parent you can do everything right for your kids but they still turn out badly and there's nothing that can be done.

That saying is ridiculous. I adored my mother,she was amazing but she made no apologies for making it obvious her sons were the favourites. They worshiped her before & after marriage with children. They did put their wives & children first though & mum respected that.

Normal people don't cut their own mothers off because she's said something he doesn't like.

You've clearly never been on the receiving end of a selfish, self centred, self absorbed parent who is incapable of seeing things from anyone's perspective but their own.

I had to go NC with my own mother for a year because of the damage to my own MH. Being a mother doesn't give you a free pass to be a dick to your kids either.

@CandyLeBonBon but that's not what's happened here. You are projecting your experience of having a selfish, unkind parent.

OP has been quietly biting her lip for some time now, asking to see the baby, offering help but not being intrusive. Walking on eggshells around her own son.

Mothers and Mil are people too, whose feelings are equally important to those of their sons and daughters. We are not obliged to turn ourselves into human pretzels and constantly compromise our own integrity because our adult children are being selfish,
My in-laws drove me nuts at times - I never cut them off and denied them access to their grandchildren though. Because that's not normal.
My one mum wouldn't hesitate to tell me if she thought I was behaving like a twat. Again, I would argue with her, but not block her.

@ABirdsEyeView you said "Normal people don't cut their own mothers off because she's said something he doesn't like. They discuss it, have a row even, but they don't block their own mums!"

I simply replied to let you know that yes, normal people DO block their own mums.

You made a m sweeping statement and you are making assumptions about the OP, probably because YOU are projecting.

I think you are now the one projecting.

The only actual point of grievance I found in OP's posts is that she would like to see her grandson (not wanting second hand clothing is not a crime. Neither is a woman preferring her own parents after birth).

She has seen her grandson once (what happened then, I wonder?). She's several times messaged saying she would like to visit the baby today. No suggestion that she's actually asked when would be convenient or asked her son if he is ok or needs any support. And then she tells him how she is unhappy with his behaviour and that he's changed since being with the GF. Not something that most people would want to hear. And not very sympathetic to a couple trying to get to grips with a new baby. Although the blocking may be a knee jerk reaction.

She is somehow also privvy to the information that the GF's parents visit every day and that they always help with bedtime. How, I wonder, if she's not been anyway near them and has had no contact other than a few texts?

You know precisely why you've been cut off. They used words that you understand. You may well have not liked the delivery method but the delivery method does not affect the meaning of the words.

You have to decide what is more important to you; your son and your grandchild or your ego.

I don't think I'm projecting. I'm on good terms with all my family so not sure what I'd be projecting. But then again, I do feel it's default to blame the older woman for all problems, with a tendency to think that new parents cannot ever be in the wrong. That having a small baby equals the right to do as they please at all times, even if that hurts the people who raised them. I mean, it is their baby, they do get final say but unless grandparents are harmful, it's very unkind and selfish to give one set full involvement and the other side nothing at all.

I completely get why people who have abusive parents would go no contact. That's not quite what I meant when I said normal people don't cut off their own mums. More that it doesn't happen after one cross exchange. But seemingly OP has tried and all she gets from her son is disdain about her job and where she lives. At some point a person is going to snap and not be able to hold in their thoughts.

Some people want to leave their roots behind them, are ashamed of them and don't value the relationships with their families. If OP is unfortunate enough to have a son like this, there's little she can do. Sometimes people are the way they are in spite of upbringing, not because of it. I don't think OP did much wrong, although I would have worded things differently in her shoes.

My MIL was very pushy for more time with DS when he was born (she was seeing him every 2 weeks though) and blew up at me and my husband when I was 8 weeks post partum. I’d had a c section was exhausted, DS had been suffering after his jabs and up constantly breastfeeding.
I am still 7 months later very annoyed she did that to me and it’s definitely tainted our relationship, maybe irreversibly.
However if she had apologised I do think that would’ve really helped.
Think back to when you were a first time parent in those early weeks it’s really tough and maybe they’re just doing their best.
I would definitely apologise to them and in future ask them what days/ times suit them and work round them! When you visit make sure you don’t comment on their parenting and show you care about a relationship with them too not just baby.
Im not saying your son being rude is ok but he’s probably exhausted- but don’t blame his girlfriend for his actions.

"But seemingly OP has tried and all she gets from her son is disdain about her job and where she lives."

Has she really tried?. Context creates emotion and there is hardly any detail, let alone context in the OPs posts regarding what her son actually says to her and how those conversations started; the actual words he uses are missing. Its likely because she does not want his words to reflect badly on her because she wants to be right.

Possibly. But if he's said her job isn't good enough or he couldn't live in a flat (knowing his mother does), it doesn't come across well.

Exactly

But as others have already pointed out (and given examples) it's possible to say these things in a supportive way.

If he literally out of the blue, said "your flat is too small" and "your job is not good enough", I agree this is appalling. If it's part of a wider conversation, and he's trying to encourage OP to make positive changes that she's said she'd like, it might be fine.

I think there's a lot of PFB mums here giving OP a hard time.
It's quite clear her son has decided he's embarrassed by his mum being a cleaner and living in a flat compared to the wealthy in laws.
Asking to see the baby isn't a crime, it's natural.
The DS is clearly phasing her out as she doenst match his new lifestyle.
I know several ppl who done this and it's quite cruel.

Not his call