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Original poster

My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

298 replies

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 22:44

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

OP posts:
MummytoBoth · 20/10/2024 22:47

Sorry to hear this op! My nanna used to have a saying “ a daughters a daughter for life, a son is a son until he takes a wife”. Sending love.

BarbaraHoward · 20/10/2024 22:48

Right or wrong, saying that and criticising his wife when they have a newborn was never going to end well.

CrispyCrumpets · 20/10/2024 22:48

I don't think this was the right approach at all. The two of them are getting used to a new baby and if the in laws are over every night, they might really be struggling. I think offering support would have been fine, asking if you can see them more regularly probably would have been fine, but to go in and pile on a load of criticism about him and his partner, not fine. I'm not surprised he has pushed you away.

username3678 · 20/10/2024 22:51

Telling him that was a mistake as you know. He obviously saw it as a personal attack against both himself and his wife.

The best thing to have done would have been to let their snobbery roll off you.

I would give it some time then send him a letter apologising for what you said and asking to resume contact. Christmas would be a good time for this.

All the best.

Femme2804 · 20/10/2024 22:54

Sorry for asking this OP but Are you sure you dont do anything wrong? Any unwanted advices?.

I’m so sorry but from my experience my MIL also like you, she didnt even know what her mistakes is. So many unwanted advice, she think she is helpful but not really.

SallyForf · 20/10/2024 22:55

I am so sorry.

You have learnt the hard way that the parents are the gatekeepers (rightly so) to the grandchild/ren and if you piss off the parents you risk access being cut off.

What to do now though? Write and apologise: you were wrong to voice your opinion that your son is stuck up, you can see that being competitive with her parents and family was foolish. And you hope for the best.

Good luck.

StressedQueen · 20/10/2024 22:56

I don't blame you for wanting to communicate your feelings, that must have hurt a lot. But you were sort of in the wrong for bringing it up like that. Perhaps offering to see him and the baby more rather than bringing up how they are excluding you. It is so bizarre for him to completely block you though over just that statement?? And still for him to completely change all views of his own family over his girlfriend is very strange and sad.

@MummytoBoth Also I disagree with this heavily and find it very pointless to add to the thread.

MugPlate · 20/10/2024 22:56

He’s ashamed of you. I’m sorry but it’s obvious. Shame is a very powerful emotion and he will absolutely HATE feeling it, particularly when there’s a new baby in the mix (weird protective feelings, extreme tiredness etc).

He’s not going to sit down and do the work to overcome his shame right now and he might never do it.

But it will grow, because all he’s done is block the reminder. And he will know deep down that hurting you and depriving his child of her loving granny is a poor decision.

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 22:57

Femme2804 · 20/10/2024 22:54

Sorry for asking this OP but Are you sure you dont do anything wrong? Any unwanted advices?.

I’m so sorry but from my experience my MIL also like you, she didnt even know what her mistakes is. So many unwanted advice, she think she is helpful but not really.

No I've only met the baby once.

I've asked a few times would today be okay to visit and there's always an excuse.

But her parents always manage to get around there

OP posts:
Ozanj · 20/10/2024 22:58

I’ve seen your son’s story a lot. I predict your son’s gf hasn’t married him yet based on her rich parents’ say so. Possibly only got with him for a baby. There’s no future here and your son is going to need you when it all goes to shit. I’d just send him a letter explaining that you still love him and you will always be there for him but that you won’t let him treat you poorly and leave it at that. Focus on your daughter and her kids.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 20/10/2024 22:59

I can see how that wouldn't go well with new parents right in the trenches of having a 2 month old.

Sounds like you have ganged up on him and didn't hold back.

In your shoes I would apologise profusely and hope they forgive me.

LittleRedRidingHoody · 20/10/2024 22:59

I understand you were frustrated, but honestly it seems you wanted to make that frustration known more than you wanted to find a way to make contact work.

I came from a working class background and built a career and life significantly different to how I grew up. I was 'accused' of being stuck up by family countless times for things like buying a house/going abroad/shopping in M&S, and it always stung like hell! One of the most painful things to say.

If you want to fix this, you need to take some accountability. You obviously don't approve of all their life choices, and this is 100% on their radar! Parents understandably only want people they see as being 'on their team' around their little baby, anyone who brings negativity is swiftly cut off!

saraclara · 20/10/2024 23:00

It's awful and must have felt so hurtful that your son's head had been turned by his in-laws to the extent that he had already all but rejected you and his sister.

But unfortunately what you said to them was never going to end well. It certainly would never have made things any better, and as you see, it's incredibly high risk to criticise new parents.

You can only apologise and explain that you felt very emotional about your new grandchild, but now recognise that it's even more emotional a time for them.

Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:02

Post partum I definitely needed just people I felt completely comfortable with. I’m sure they feel your judgement just as much as you feel theirs. I think you have handled this badly, though I’m sorry that you’ve been blocked and I can imagine it’s very difficult for you all. I would give it time and leave them to it for a bit. I don’t think anyone has ‘right’ to time with a baby except the parents and those they want there.

Ozanj · 20/10/2024 23:02

username3678 · 20/10/2024 22:51

Telling him that was a mistake as you know. He obviously saw it as a personal attack against both himself and his wife.

The best thing to have done would have been to let their snobbery roll off you.

I would give it some time then send him a letter apologising for what you said and asking to resume contact. Christmas would be a good time for this.

All the best.

Not his wife, his gf. And if her family are as rich as OP says they are it’s in their best interest to keep it that way. The shame probably does come him not being good enough for her family.

Bullaun · 20/10/2024 23:03

CrispyCrumpets · 20/10/2024 22:48

I don't think this was the right approach at all. The two of them are getting used to a new baby and if the in laws are over every night, they might really be struggling. I think offering support would have been fine, asking if you can see them more regularly probably would have been fine, but to go in and pile on a load of criticism about him and his partner, not fine. I'm not surprised he has pushed you away.

This.

saraclara · 20/10/2024 23:07

Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:02

Post partum I definitely needed just people I felt completely comfortable with. I’m sure they feel your judgement just as much as you feel theirs. I think you have handled this badly, though I’m sorry that you’ve been blocked and I can imagine it’s very difficult for you all. I would give it time and leave them to it for a bit. I don’t think anyone has ‘right’ to time with a baby except the parents and those they want there.

Oh come on. Only letting the other grandmother see the baby once in two months? When they apparently live locally?

That's not normal at all, and it was deliberately cruel. It's not like she's expecting to go every day like the others. But surely they could allow a visit even once a fortnight? Is there another parent in this board that would deny a local grandparent or aunt to see their new GC for two months?

There are a lot of responses on here that are doing the usual 'blame the MIL because she's the MIL' thing.

AgainandagainandagainSS · 20/10/2024 23:11

Be there for him if and when it all goes tits up OP. So so sorry for you.

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:12

saraclara · 20/10/2024 23:07

Oh come on. Only letting the other grandmother see the baby once in two months? When they apparently live locally?

That's not normal at all, and it was deliberately cruel. It's not like she's expecting to go every day like the others. But surely they could allow a visit even once a fortnight? Is there another parent in this board that would deny a local grandparent or aunt to see their new GC for two months?

There are a lot of responses on here that are doing the usual 'blame the MIL because she's the MIL' thing.

Show quote history

Thankyou,

I haven't even been interfering at all, I checked in a few times via text since baby has been born bit that's it. I've tried messaging for a day and time to pop in and they always seem to have a plan that day

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 20/10/2024 23:13

I am sympathetic but you seem very critical of them and her family and your views on them probably came across before your outburst. Have you thought about why they have only let you see the baby once?

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:16

SunflowerTed · 20/10/2024 23:13

I am sympathetic but you seem very critical of them and her family and your views on them probably came across before your outburst. Have you thought about why they have only let you see the baby once?

The pair of them are stuck up

They look down on people that don't own a home or Don't have careers

there's no arguing they are stuck up and a few people within the family have said the same thing about them (not to their faces)

OP posts:
Gingerkittykat · 20/10/2024 23:17

What was your relationship with the GF like before she had the baby?

Telling him he is stuck up is bound to have upset him and not helped the relationship.

Levithecat · 20/10/2024 23:19

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:16

The pair of them are stuck up

They look down on people that don't own a home or Don't have careers

there's no arguing they are stuck up and a few people within the family have said the same thing about them (not to their faces)

Show quote history

So you think they’re stuck up, and they probably have a view of you too. If you’re all talking about it as a family then I’m sure your son knows. If you want a relationship with them and the baby you’re going to have to find a way through this. Which probably means apologising and realising sometimes a dose of ‘truth’ isn’t the best approach, especially when your life has just shifted dramatically by becoming parents.

Original poster
DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:20

Gingerkittykat · 20/10/2024 23:17

What was your relationship with the GF like before she had the baby?

Telling him he is stuck up is bound to have upset him and not helped the relationship.

Mine and her relationship was fine I'd say

We wernt really close as in going on coffee dates and shopping together but she was always polite and so was I

But she also comes across spoilt aswell. Not in a bratty way, just financially

She also had a baby shower and didn't invite me

OP posts:
Windywandy · 20/10/2024 23:20

I think your son has behaved very badly.

I think he is ashamed of you and I think the fact you work as a cleaner has a lot to do with it. I worked for a time as a cleaner myself and I know the preconceptions and snobbery exhibited by some people towards cleaners. His gf and her family,if they are wealthy, quite probably have these views.

I think your DS has behaved disgracefully towards you by shutting you out of his baby's life. And I'm not surprised you felt the need to say something to him.

I'm so sorry OP. You must feel very hurt by his behaviour and very sad not to have contact with your grand child.