My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

You have been treated dreadfully OP. You have had constant rejection not only of your hard earned gifts but of your involvement with your grandchild. It's obvious your comments to your son were made out of upset & sheer exasperation & totally understandable. I agree with previous posters that you should apologise saying your comments were in the heat of the moment when you felt particularly upset & promise never to say such things again. It's then up to your son to decide to come off his high horse and show you some respect as a grandmother. Cleaning jobs play an extremely important contribution to society. Hold your head high.

Why would you tell new parents that they're stuck up and expect to see their baby?! You seem to be very stuck on their personal choices. If they feel more in common and closer to her parents, and she's adjusting after giving birth and getting to grips with everything that comes with a new child, it's no wonder they want those parents around to support them. It's ridiculous to make out they're being silly using "4 adults to put 1 baby to sleep", you aren't there and don't know what's going on. Perhaps her father is cooking for them and eating with your son, whilst her mother is helping her breastfeed and set up for the night. Perhaps her parents are settling the baby whilst your son and his partner are having some time together, or just to eat or shower or anything they can't do in the day. There are dozens of things they could be doing where it's helping them to have her mother and father there for physical and emotional support. After all, you think they're stuck up and none of you like each other so they wouldn't turn to you for that kind of support at a vulnerable time would they.

Yes, it's sad and rude your son has made a horrible comment about your job and home. I would've said something immediately, "son, I can't do anything else/don't have a choice/am happy with this/don't care about XYZ as I just care about family....". It sounds like he isn't comfortable with his background and upbringing and is insecure in his new financial status, and feels you're a threat to that if you're around his child and partner's family.

My mother gave me some baby clothing and items that I didn't ask for or need. When she asked about other things I said no thanks (my sibling bleeds her dry for every penny so I don't like taking anything). The gifts I was given I thanked her even though they were surplus and didn't have time to get used and I didn't want nor need them. I put my baby in them for a photo to send and said thanks. It wasn't enough for her and she ranted about how I wasn't excited enough for her gifts and it ruined HER experience of MY baby. Prior to this I'd barely seen her for years as she doesn't like me. Some people make everything about them and always have something to complain about. If you can't be nice and supportive then bugger off, there's nothing worse than criticizing new parents' choices when they're adjusting to so much.

This. When my ds was 2 months old, I was still nesting and didn't want anyone except dp near him. Hormones can make people act in odd ways. Being called a snob at that moment would not have gone down well.

It is not snobbish to want to buy new things for a pfb. I hated having second hand clothes as a child and wanted different for my ds. My silly hangup perhaps, but new Parents have the right to choose.

I'd drop a note to them, apologising for getting emotional, and then try to arrange to meet up before Christmas.

Ignore your ds' comment about your job, or bat it straight back, smiling, that hospitals and schools would be pretty disastrous without cleaners and you are proud of your work. He sound quite immature.

I hope it gets sorted soon.

OP you are 100% the problem here. Continuing to call her spoilt financially like you resent her or something.

I’d cut you off too you’re insufferable. You’ve mentioned several times they own a house and how many bedrooms - you clearly have issues.

My friend’s brother is like this. They were so close as children growing up but then he married a snobby woman and prefers to spend time with his wealthy in-laws. He rarely visits his widowed mum and his two young daughters have never met their cousins.

Some men will happily cut off their original family because they have no backbone and the sad fact is, they really don’t care. If your son has moved on and isn’t interested in having a relationship with you, let him go.

@DreamyPearlOrca it sounds as though you don’t really like your son as a person (based on what you wrote, rightfully so), and you have no relationship with his gf.

Unfortunately, any contact with the baby will be entirely up to them. If you value your dignity and being treated well, no contact will be better for you. If you value occasionally being tolerated by them, perhaps if you apologize, grovel and beg they may ‘forgive’ and throw you some crumbs.

Personally, I would accept no contact and just concentrate on my daughter and other loving family members.

We only have one side of the story but it is true that he has been talking down his mother's job and house etc then she is right that he is stuck up and rude.

Sounds like he married into a rich family and is now ashamed of his own mother and her life.

My stepson 'married up'. He is a totally changed man. It's as if he is pretending he is from landed gentry or something and it's actually quite funny and....embarrassing.

But he has criticized her first, telling her to get a better job!

I'm sorry op it's very unfair. My family is quite blunt with each other and used to being able to voice an opinion. My Mom just pissed me of like crazy the other day with her unwanted opinion but I'm not going to cut her off bc she's my fucking mom and she's great to and you take the good with the bad.

I hate this fragility now that seems if you voice your opinion over something understandly hurtful you get cut off.

I also don't think I have the right as a parent to cut off a loving MIL. He's by child but not my possesion.

@TheGirlFromTheSummerBefore Damn, that's wild!

@DreamyPearlOrca your son has behaved appallingly and allowed gf to side line you long before the baby - not inviting you to the shower etc. I'm sorry they have withheld the baby for 2 months and that he's compromised his family relationships b/c of perceived and unimportant differences -money etc.

Having said that, a golden rule is never ever criticize the gt/bf/wife/fiancee etc. Focus on your feelings and want to be included not what they are doing wrong.

Write a very apologetic letter. Take responsibility for words. Express love and affection and hope it is an olive branch.

I'm always amazed when people cut out parents so quickly. The things my Irish mother says at times would make people here's blood curdle. I have a friend who has been horrifically cruel to her inlaws - not inviting them to christenings, birthdays etc. Not allowed pictures of the grandchildren. My friend has 3 sons - I always think one day she will be the MIL that a wife may cut out...! Her mother in law has suffered so much pain and really losing both her son and grandchildren.

She isn't 100% the problem. The son has been terrible and isolating too. Rejecting a baby outfit - God forbid he wears an outfit MIL gave for a single day instead of saying thank you like a normal person.

Hah... not for my mother, very much the other way around.

The parents you are referring to are the parents of the person who actually gave birth. It’s only 2 months of which she has been recovering from birth, possibly establishing breastfeeding, adjusting to being a parent and your son is adjusting to being a parent too. And he is supporting the woman he loves and bonding with their baby.

It’s very natural and normal for a woman who has given birth to want their own parents around for support. Especially because she gave birth and she is the one recovering. Why would she want any person who views her with contempt around her during this time.

The first few months are incredibly hard and stressful for new parents.

You should have been more patient and respectful of your son and his girlfriend’s personal space. And you really shouldn’t have confronted your son with your grievances at this time.

He’s setting boundaries that you have brought upon yourself.

What a load of crap

When he mentioned your job & flat-did it just come out of nowhere?

Someone I knew didn't get on with her dil-until she was her ex dil!

Then she didn't get on with the next one (also "above herself").

Then the GC's names were "posh"!

Don't know how they put up with her!

Really , that’s weird . But each to their own .

Who is the gossip in the family passing messages between you and your son’s family? It sounds as though the sister is running off her mouth. This sort of gossip harms your cause. By asking for it, hearing it then being instantly negative, you are further away than ever.

I'm curious as to how you know this as a fact. Are you gossiping about them with a neighbor or something?

I’m so sorry. It sounds to me op, like a pp said, that since he married “up” he’s ashamed of his background,and that he was looking for an excuse to disconnect from it, and you gave him that excuse by speaking out. I’m not saying that what you said was wrong, but that you could have been a bit more diplomatic.

It’s very sad that he cannot be more mature and loving. His character sounds quite shallow and insecure tbh. If I was his gf, I would be very suspicious of a man who treats their family badly!

When he said that you should get a better job than a cleaner, was that before he met his gf? Or is it just since he met her that things changed between you. How was your relationship before?

To me you sound like you are proud of his career success and how well he has done for himself; not that you are criticising him.

On your side, I think you could have been a bit more subtle in your approach and not taken things so personally.

It’s usual for the family of the mother of a new born to get more of a look in. And for your son’s gf to want all new clothes for her first born is not a crime. You and your dd interpreted the rejection of the hand me downs as them being deliberately hurtful and snobbish, but maybe they were just excited about buying their own things?

Whatever happened, I think it’s pretty ridiculous of a grown man in his thirties to block his own mother and not be able to disagree with you and have a decent honest conversation! It seems such an extreme reaction when you are only trying to be an interested and supportive grandparent!

They don’t sound like nice people and he was waiting for a chance to disown you. You are too poor for their lifestyle and he’s embarrassed by you sadly.

I would not apologise for telling the truth. They are snobs and you will never have a relationship with your grandson, as the parents are ashamed of you. I would concentrate on your daughter and her children, as they what to see you unconditionally.

You can love your children, but you don’t have to like who they are or who they become!

What a ridiculous and unhelpful comment to make. This could (and does, based on so many threads on here) just as easily happen with a daughter, so please stop with your sexist nonsense that serves no purpose than to upset those of us who have boys.

I think he was preparing to disown you because he and his girlfriend are snobs and obviously look down on you and your lifestyle, you saying something to him just gave him the ammunition to do so sooner.

I don't see why it's so terrible for the OP to tell her son off when he is sneering at her for working as a cleaner. In what universe is this an OK way for a man to talk to his mother (or anyone)?

You repeatedly say he is stuck up.

I have a 10 week old baby and if my mum gave me a dressing down I'd cut all contact too.

There are much better ways of asking to see your grandchild.

You'd be best to apologise to your son