My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

I think most of the comments on this board seem to blame the OP I.e. that ‘villainous MIL’. Ok she may have made some unwelcome comments, but there is no need to cut her off and stop her seeing her beloved grandchild.

i would suggest that the people who so breezily suggest cutting off grandparents pop over to gransnet and read the heartbreaking tales on the estrangement forum. Food for thought? Life is too short for heartbreak and babies quickly turn into children who need grandparents even if they are ‘only cleaners’ and do not own houses or cars.

give this poor lady a break, she is distraught.

You really see a lot from a couple of paragraphs.

Just because you have a 10 weeks old baby doesn't give you more right to cut ALL contact with a mother who criticizes you a bit. It's ridiculous and ungrateful. What is this with all these weak individuals who are adjusting for a baby for so long. I took care of my 2 kids pretty much by myself with just occasional help and some woman manage more kids.

I'm sure you are perfectly nice and I have sympathy for how annoying some of these things must be, particularly the stuck up bit which would drive me nuts. However you forgot the key rule of any relationship with new parents which is your interactions with them in that moment need to be about their needs and wants, not yours, because all their energy is going into their tiny baby's needs and they don't have any spare. Having that conversation (probably more nicely) when their child was 2 years old might have been fine, having it when their baby is 2 months old was insane. Also, no one is going to react well to being told they are stuck up at any time. If you want a relationship with your grandchildren apologize (properly) for making it about your needs not theirs, or accept the consequences. I know it must seem unfair given some of the things he has said to you which do suck but ultimately you want something from this relationship that he is willing to not have i.e. a relationship with your grandchild.

I think you are being treated very badly OP but sadly you do not hold any cards and will be forced to go with the flow.

If they offer an olive branch, take it, smile sweetly and go about your business and see as much of the DGC as they will allow.

People are so bloody brittle these days and they cause so much heartbreak. We've had this from my step children. Their behaviour has broken their father's heart but eventually we had to accept that they had grown into appalling and selfish adults in order to stop it all ruining our lives.

Sorry you feel cut out OP

i speak from experience and I would take offense to being told I’m stuck up too unfortunately. My parents do not understand that I have elevated my life and also continuously judge me for it. It’s like they just can’t be happy that I’ve made more of my lot than my siblings have. It’s just easier now not to have them around than be judged for how I live and to be looked ‘down’ upon because I choose to have ‘nice’ things. Can’t take my dad out to dinner to a fancy restaurant because he will also remind us how he would be happy at the chippy down the road. Every time I buy something new whether it be a car or something for my home the first question asked is how much it cost.

Make sure whilst you feel they are looking down on you, you are not doing the same.

I think it's absolutely appalling the way Op's son has behaved actually being embarrassed of your mother's employment and rejecting gifts is disgusting.

Would you tell your parents that their job or home wasn't good enough? Would you make them feel you were embarrassed of them? Why should Op accept being treated like that?

Firstly, I've always said that the maternal grandparents USUALLY are way more involved. Why? Because most of the time it's the new mum on mat leave, in charge of child care. My MIL saw barely any of my daughter simply because when I was at my most vulnerable post-partum, I did not want people I barely knew around. When I needed help, I called MY mum. It was instinctual to call my mum- I'd never called my husband's mum for help... especially when I was SO vulnerable.

And it does sound like the other parents are helping out with bedtime, rather than just wanting to visit. Bedtime with newborns can be extremely stressful, so I get that too. Christ, I wish I had had two extra sets of hands at bedtime!!

Also, they're at a very difficult, hormonal and challenging time of their life and calling them stuck up was just not nice.

Frankly, i'd rather tell someone to return something than allow them to gift something to me that I know I'll never use. Saves the gifter money. And sometimes, taking baby items off others is more hassle than it's worth - I was once dumped with 2 bags full of baby stuff I'd never use at 2 weeks pp and had to spend time I should have been bonding with my baby sorting through it to get rid of stuff that just needed to be binned (stained, ripped) and sorting the rest for charity, then loading baby and bags into the car to take down to charity when we both should have been sleeping.

So personally I would have been on the new parents' side. This is the season of the new mother and you have to accept that for a little while that means she's going to need things done her way, not to be told that she's a snob that needs to give you more access to your grandbaby, when she's probably already stretched at capacity. I'd say back off and let the whole situation calm down. Some people have great relationships with their MIL and want them around from day 1. Others would rather wait to let baby bond with MIL and paternal grandparents once they hit the stage of parenthood where they know what the hell is going on and feel presentable and ready to entertain. Which can be months.

The comment about your job wasn't nice (and I say this as a former professional cleaner) but seems unrelated to this particular situation and seems to be something you've layered onto this scenario, which really needs to be considered separately.

If any of my sons told me I should get a better job or looked down on where I lived I'd have told them then and there they were being a snob.

Sounds like this was the last straw for them. What else has been going on?

I was going to say something similar.
Op, It is obvious that you don’t like the GF. Your ds knows and she knows too.
The fact that you were not invited to the baby shower is very telling.
I don’t think that your ds has behaved well, but without knowing what the relationship was like before the arrival of the baby it is difficult to give advice
You say that your ds and his GF are ‘stuck up’.
Are they actually stuck up or is it you projecting your own insecurities . ?
With regard to baby clothes. Most first time parents are picky about the clothes they want for their PFB. I remember when dd1 was born and I know that I was particular about the type of clothes she wore . This changed by the time I had my second dd when my head eventually came out of the clouds.
Also, I would be interested to hear about the tone adopted by your dd when accusing her brother of being stuck up. If the tone was accusatory and aggressive this may have upset your ds and his GF, hence the blocking.

I'm so sorry OP. I can't imagine what kind of people would be happy for their boyfriend/son in law to cut his mum out of his life?!!
As for your son well he sounds grim.
I think you need to just keep away and hope the situation resolved it's self. I would send a gift card for the baby for Christmas and your son. Send a card with a simple message.
It's his fault not yours but I think the wait and see approach is best.

Well you insulted him and his partner so of course he’s going to cut you off. Sounds like he didn’t care much for you before that so it was rather silly to go ahead and say he’s stuck up etc.

The reason most people blame the MIL, is because in reality they are more likely to be the cause of the problem.
In my experience it is very rare to find a child who would willingly cut off their own parents and if they do so is it because the parent has burned their bridges.
Those stories on Gransnet may be heartbreaking but we only have the GP’s view. I am sure if we heard the full story one wouldn’t feel as sympathetic

I think some of the replies on here are very harsh and seem to excuse the son's behaviour, even endorse it to some extent.

Well you obviously don't like her and you've been quite vocal about that. They view you as toxic and don't want you near their kids. It's up to you to change it or you lose out.

Agreed

I feel so sorry for you
Your own son being ashamed of your job is terrible and inexcusable.
I don't think you did anything wrong, he is just pandering to his gf and her parents.
I would send flowers as an 'apology' tho I don't believe you have anything to be sorry for.
This is all on him. Do they allow your daughter to visit? I'm wondering if she could pull your son to one side privately and tell him how hurt you are.
Good luck
I hope they see the error of their ways

I really feel for you op. I’ve seen this happen before to my parents’ neighbours. They are the kindest, most gentle and giving of people, who everyone loves, but one DIL absolutely ruled the roost with regard to her children. She was completely controlling even with the children’s father who she was married to. She wouldn’t let him take them to see his parents and wouldn’t allow his parents to visit them. Very occasionally she would take the children for a short visit, but that stopped after a couple of years and she banned any contact. The marriage broke down in the end, but the children were still not allowed to see the grandparents. It was so sad.
Luckily, they have another son and DIL who are so different, so they’ve had a good relationship with the DGCs on that side and they’ve always loved seeing our DDs.

My MIL wasn’t an easy woman. Had no idea about boundaries and felt the need to voice her opinions all the time, but I put my feelings to one side because my children deserved a relationship with both sets of grandparents and it would have made life harder for my DH. Why would I want that?

Like a pp said, I really find it hard to understand why, barring illness, a woman can’t let a grandparent in for short visits after 8 weeks. My first DD was in intensive care for a month between the age of 3-7 weeks which was incredibly tough, but the idea of banning grandparents who were also worried and scared for us all, wouldn’t have crossed my mind. She could even hide upstairs while the father was with his mum and sister and baby if she felt that strongly. Why are so many men so weak?

Thanks, I was beginning to think I was odd in feeling this way.

Your son is behaving like a prize prat OP, and you have done nothing wrong. Why do people think it is okay to pander to this sort of behaviour? If a child of mine treated me like that I would be thoroughly ashamed of them. I can't abide snobs, and that is what they are.

Typical MN replies from many however.

I feel your pain. A friend of mine is in this scenario. She was a struggling single mother and did her best but has always worked part time in a shop. Her son married a woman from a wealthy background and he is clearly ashamed of his mother. She is not allowed to touch the baby or hold it. They don’t let her in their house . All her presents are returned for a refund. Meanwhile the mother in law is round all the time and does childcare now they are both back at work. She is distraught .
The Golden rule is never criticise or give unsolicited advice. Offer help when needed but don’t push it. Ask what they need for the baby and buy what you can afford. It’s never easy but this situation is heartbreaking.
I would send a letter saying you are very sad about the situation, want to see your grandchild and hope they will change their minds. Apologise to them if you have upset them and ask for another chance. However, don’t act like a doormat and take abuse. My friend has bent over backwards and just keeps giving them money , thinking they will change their attitude but their contempt for her remains unchanged sadly .

Your issue is with your son and your relationship with him - you need to stop fixating on the girlfriends parents, that’s not helping.

she has every right to have her parents round as much as she wants
you need to build bridges and stop bad mouthing her on here!