My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

[DreamyPearlOrca]

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

"When are you going to get a better job with better money"

"When are your going to get a bigger home, this flat is ridiculously small I couldn't live in a flat myself"

I don't think you speaking up is wrong at all OP. Your Son and his GF only allowing you to see your GC once in 2 months is disgusting.

The remarks from your Son about getting a different job etc. they're being made for a reason.

It's obvious he's bagged himself a rich GF and he's had his head turned. Her family are obviously chipping in a fair bit financially in their lives for their Daughter, and your Son is benefiting from that. I bet they've contributed financially towards things for the baby. Asking you to return yours to the shop spoke volumes. He knew his snobby GF wouldn't like it, because she's an ungrateful, snobby person.

I'd ignore the negative comments on here, all this talk of being overwhelmed by a new baby, all the talk of diplomacy etc. Well there's not been much coming your way. Having a new baby doesn't give someone the right to be rude, unkind or nasty.

Focus on your DD and her children, your Son has made his bed, leave him to get on with it. It'll end in tears eventually. Don't waste your time trying to reason with him... He's got too many words being trickled into his ears from his new family.

You're a cleaner, be proud, you brought your Son and Daughter up, he's forgotten his roots.

OP, in my experience women run the show and men just go along with it. So she prefers having her own family around and your son doesn't care enough to insist you have more access. He also sounds like he looks down on you and possibly wants more distance for that reason.

I'm so sorry, OP. Adult kids can turn out to be deeply selfish and unkind. Focus on your relationship with your daughter, and let time will heal your hurt about your son into indifference.

A son 9 times out of 10 will always go his partners way. She has her own mum who she will go to for all guidance and support so if she wants her mum to see her child ever day and you don't I personally cannot see the issue. It seems to be a thing with mums and their sons that they don't know boundaries. I think you saying anything to your son about his partner is completely unacceptable

You had a point, but you've gone about it all wrong so lost the argument.
2 things wrong with how you went about it:
1)Saying they are stuck up - never good.
2)That her family see more of the baby than you - true enough, but you made it sound competitive against her family, when you should have come from a place of saying you'd like to have a grandparent relationship with their baby.
Is it about having your nose out of joint by her family? You omitted saying you miss him, you care, and you'd like to see more of him because of that.
He might have a point about your cleaning jobs, he could actually be coming from a point of seeing you as being just as capable as her family. You write well, and punctuate better than many do on here who claim to have well paid employment. You could of seen it as a complement, rather than being stuck up. Or you could of at least calmly explained to him why you life is the way it is. It's looking like it could be you who has the chip on your shoulder.
Also, you and your DD have had a failure to read the room. You know they are well off now, and as new parents, you always want new stuff if it's affordable. It actually can get annoying when people offer their hand-me-downs. It isn't being helpful from the other side, it's saving other people from having to deal with selling it, sending it to a charity or tipping it. I know, I ended up with a load of bags of it in my loft that never got used. It's hard to say 'no thanks' , so if you do take it, you end up being the one who has to dispose of it. That she didn't take it, is because she doesn't want it, so it should never be re-offered, and actually the person offering should not then expect eternal gratitude.
The truth often lies in the middle, I'm not saying they are blameless. Even if his partner would not have used the gift you got, he could of taken it so you didn't get upset. However, he has saved you wasting your money, and if you are short of it, he knows it means more to you.

Regardless of whether your son is stuck up or whether he's sidelined you, bringing drama into their lives at 8 weeks postpartum is up there for me.

This !!! Exactly what I mean about boundaries, you've over stepped the mark completely OP.

Exactly this!

Maybe they are stuck up and he's changed and it's not fair.
But do you want to be right or do you want to salvage a relationship with your son and grandchild?

So your MIl was worse and was attacking for 2.5 years. And here, a mother makes one comment and she's completely blocked and told that she will not have a relationship with grandchildren. That's not the same thing! I have friends who don't like what the MIL does or says at times, but she's not blocked completely. It's ridiculous and unfair.
Mothers are often not perfect and do criticize here and there, unless it's excessif, one can take it.
The OP must have supported this twit with her cleaning jobs to allow him to become what he has become.

If you have a son you have to work very hard to be included in their lives once they have a partner and more so when they have children. Men get sucked into their gf or wives family and they go along with that because it's easier. It's a sweeping statement but as the sons grandma you aren't ever going to included in the same way as the daughter in law's family are. You aren't her family, she doesn't know you. Speaking to him like that was a mistake. He absolutely should have included you more and it's very hurtful to feel excluded but softly, softly may have been a better approach. Now he has a justification for not including you at all. I'm not sure what you can do, apologise and grovel may get you somewhere.

Sorry but there has to be more to this than you’re letting on. Always two sides to these types of stories.

This. He's being a prick and very unfair.

I felt really sorry for you reading your post. It must be so painful to see the other grandparents included regularly when you've seen your grandchild once.

I think you are aware now that you could've communicated with your son more diplomatically, and I think a letter to your son apologising is appropriate. I'd apologise for speaking to him the way I did, and explain why - hurt, frustrated or whatever. I wouldn't bring up your son's lifestyle again.

Your son is extremely disrespectful telling you to 'get a better job' though, and I can see why you think he is a snob.

That does not seem to apply to the upper classes (sorry to use a sociological term but it does seem to fit), or the wealthy and educated. At those levels, grandparenting is generally pretty equal.

I think the op's son finds his background, and parents, embarrassing and has become snobbish.

It may not last, I hope not for the op's sake.

However, op, criticising your daughter-inl-aw is not the way to go about things, it will cause resentment. Please don't say any more, just wait and see how things pan out. Your son knows where you are and may need you one day.

Try to concentrate on the good things in your life.

I think you are great and would be proud to have a mother who did two cleaning jobs to support her family. My mother never went to work and was a terrible snob.

Good luck.

What relationship?

He's not going to magically change. He is a snob and he clearly feels his family isn't good enough

Whether that's down to his wife or just him wanting to keep up with the Joneses who knows?

But he has treated his mother and sister abysmally and however much the OP wants to be close to her GC it's never going to happen

So I don't see why she has to put up and shut up.

She criticised her son, not his wife.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new

Who cares and why is this even a point to bring up? Some people like used and some new. No right or wrong, just individual preference. I have a preference but if my kids have kids I certainly won’t be voicing any opinions, although I’m guessing you have/do, which is an issue and a big part of the problem.

It also comes across as you thinking people who want ‘completely brand new’ is a sign of being stuck up. I’m guessing all your other ‘signs’ of people being stuck up are pretty particular to you and your family and maybe be don’t represent the thoughts of a wider cross-section of society. While you have this mindset, I can’t see your son ever having a relationship with you.

BTW- I was happy to have used for my kids but a sibling wasn’t. I didn’t think that was odd, honestly never gave it a thought and certainly didn’t judge them due to such things.

I don’t think the “son is a son until he gets a wife” adage is true, but what is true every single time is that the richer, more middle class family takes precedence in a relationship. Every single one of my friends relationships has gone this way - they’re closer and they see more of and do more with the wealthier family. I know its been true in my marriage.

I can totally see why she doesn't want you around herself I her vulnerable postpartum state. You don't like her. Well done on your son for protecting her!!

You and your daughter sound like you've got a right chip on your shoulder- there's koyhing wrong with working hard, doing well and buying a house. Plenty of new parents want the fun of picking the baby things themselves rather than hand me downs. That's not a crime.

Lots of reverse snobbery here from you.

Amazed and baffled at many of the responses here.

If what OP is saying is true, that he has changed since being with her (ie. become stuck up), that he has become judgemental (and embarrassed) at his own mother's social status, and that OP has only been able to see her grandchild once)...and assuming there is no other issue that OP hasn't mentioned...then OP telling her son how she feels is completely justified.

The caveat to all this is ideally bridges will be mended and OP can see her son and grandchild (although not much of this was happening before she spoke out). The last thing you want is one of those rifts that can last years, so hopefully things can be sorted OP.

Well your son is still young (ish). It's taken my son becoming a parent to realise that it's not that bloody easy.

He's blocked you, he doesn't need your drama on top of gf, new baby, in laws and sleepless nights. Rightfully so.

I suspect he'll come round. If not, then I suspect that issues go a lot deeper.

I actually get on with sons now ex brilliantly. That relationship has been 2 years in the making though.

You've gone way too far with your comments.

They probably sense you feel this way, even if you haven’t said it before today. They won’t think they’re stuck up though, no one does even if they are, so maybe they feel judged?

I can see why you feel hurt by their behaviour but your approach was never going to go down well. Its not the right time for home truths because a small baby is probably stressful enough and delivering them with your daughter could easily feel like they’re being ganged up on/talked about behind their back.

That adage (first I'd heard of it was on here) is a load of old bollocks!

Certainly in Ireland where the son has a very close relationship to their mother.

@DreamyPearlOrca

OP, the situation is awful. You did nothing wrong. It’s just some kids these days have no tolerance to listening to how their parents feels nor any loyalty for them. My parents and in PIL sometimes criticise me and DH but never ever have we blocked them or disrespected them or kept GC from them. Politely disagreed with them, given our side of the story and then moved on. It is disgusting that when a person does 1 wrong then all the good things they have done are forgotten. I suspect he was waiting for you to blow up - then he has his excuse to remove you from his life. You can either grovel and have this superficial relationship with him or let it go…until the day he realises how much he needs you. What is with these new parents being so possessive over babies these days? I see increasingly parents using their babies to punish GP and wider family. And the whole oh new parents are all going through an awful time - not everyone finds newborn stage rough! How dare you tell your son how you feel their baby is only 2 months old. Tell your feelings to return in a years time - oooops too late by then, why didn’t you say something sooner. How are we meant to know your feelings, mom?

OP, apologise if you want a minuscule relationship but know that you are validating his behaviour. Wait until he gets in touch by himself - there is always a trigger i.e relationship not going well, need help with child or hopefully feeling disgusted with his behaviour towards you. Downside? Could take a while.

If his GF is a good moral person then she will encourage him to make contact. Because if a man treats his mom shit then eventually will treat her shit too.