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Original poster

My son has cut me out of his and my grandsons life

298 replies

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 22:44

Hi, long story short

My son 35 and his girlfriend recently had a baby, 2 months ago.

I've met the baby once, I'm never invited over and they never pop to my home ever (even before baby)

My son and his girlfriend have done very well for themselves, they own their 4 bed home, they have really good jobs, they both have a car of their own, they have a nice life

Now my son comes across quite stuck up & it's only been since he has been with his girlfriend, she is an only child and comes from quite a wealthy family.

My son has made comments to me in the past that I should get a better job (I work 2 cleaning jobs)

He told me to take an outfit back to the shop which I had bought the baby before she was born because his girlfriend wouldn't like it.

Even my daughter (so his sister) has offered them stuff for their baby that is no use for her baby anymore, they say yes they will have it, and then always end up forgetting to take it and buying completely brand new.

Also the girlfriends parents, family and friends seem to be around the baby every day.. when I say every day I mean ever day. The parents go over every night to help with bed time.. so 4 adults helping to get one baby to sleep

Anyways, today me and my daughter told my son how we feel. That he's changed since being with her, that her family see more of the baby than use, and that at times he's stuck up

Anyways we've been blocked and told never to contact him again and that my grandson's not having anything to do with us. Was I wrong for even bringing it up. It has been playing on my mind and upsetting me for a while now

OP posts:
TizerorFizz · 20/10/2024 23:45

@DreamyPearlOrca Your stuck up is my normal. You seem to put great store by not being seen as stuck up. Whatever that really means!

Well, some of us do like better things in life. Even two cars. Could it be that you are very negative around them? Do you wear your working class credentials a bit too obviously? Basically you have to put up and shut up. What they do isn’t your concern and if he’s changed with her, so be it. Maybe he’s grown up. I’d pipe down and say sorry and wind your prejudices in. I’m not sure they are liking your attitude which runs contrary to theirs. They obviously like an upwardly mobile life and I think your DS can easily be happy if they share the same values. The fact you don’t share their values and despise her money isn’t putting you in their world. My DM was always rather proud I had money!

Taxbreak · 20/10/2024 23:47

In our family, 90 year-old great-grandma lets people smoke in her house (everyone did it in my day, did us no harm...). If she happens to be at the grandparents house at the same time as the baby it's fine, but the new parents won't visit her house with the baby.
I've also seen - as somebody mentioned - grandparents considering a disposable sperm-donor as a positive. They ultimately gained custody of the child and did their utmost to sever contact with their own daughter.

RogueFemale · 20/10/2024 23:49

So, in short, you and your daughter told your son that he's stuck up. Then he blocked you and said never to contact him again. If you're wondering about next step, the only next step is an apology to your son.

valentinka31 · 20/10/2024 23:50

Windywandy · 20/10/2024 23:20

I think your son has behaved very badly.

I think he is ashamed of you and I think the fact you work as a cleaner has a lot to do with it. I worked for a time as a cleaner myself and I know the preconceptions and snobbery exhibited by some people towards cleaners. His gf and her family,if they are wealthy, quite probably have these views.

I think your DS has behaved disgracefully towards you by shutting you out of his baby's life. And I'm not surprised you felt the need to say something to him.

I'm so sorry OP. You must feel very hurt by his behaviour and very sad not to have contact with your grand child.

I totally agree. You have done nothing wrong at all. He has let you down very badly, I'm so sorry 😘

JustGettingStarted · 20/10/2024 23:50

People don't cut off their mothers for no reason.

It won't be because you're too poor or whatever.

You've done something to alienate him from you. And until you can recognise what it is, he's right to do so.

CanelliniBeans · 20/10/2024 23:51

Try and be proud of what he's achieved. It's not stuck up to do well and want nice things for your baby.
It might be different to how he was brought up and that might be hurtful to you.
I was different to my in-laws. I valued education and career and they didn't. They put me down and laughed at me for it.
Now I'm older I see they couldn't accept I had different priorities and views which were alien to them. I didn't stop them seeing the dc, I always supported it, but I didn't like the way they treated me and now the dc are older I don't make any effort with the in-laws.

JustGettingStarted · 20/10/2024 23:51

RogueFemale · 20/10/2024 23:49

So, in short, you and your daughter told your son that he's stuck up. Then he blocked you and said never to contact him again. If you're wondering about next step, the only next step is an apology to your son.

No, no apologies. Because to do so would be to cross his boundary. Do not contact means do not contact. Period. Failure to accept his only proves him right.

Should he decide to reach out, fine.

SnowFrogJelly · 20/10/2024 23:53

@MummytoBoth Also I disagree with this heavily and find it very pointless to add to the thread

Agree with this.. that saying is an old fashioned generalisation .

RogueFemale · 20/10/2024 23:53

JustGettingStarted · 20/10/2024 23:51

No, no apologies. Because to do so would be to cross his boundary. Do not contact means do not contact. Period. Failure to accept his only proves him right.

Should he decide to reach out, fine.

Show quote history

Yeah, that makes sense.

saraclara · 20/10/2024 23:54

Noseybookworm · 20/10/2024 23:26

I think it's sad that your son and daughter in law haven't made more effort to have you see the baby - maybe they feel your disapproval of their lifestyle and values and this is why they have distanced themselves? You certainly haven't helped the situation by sitting him down and being critical of him and his wife. If you want to mend fences, you need to apologise and tell him that you love him and are proud of how well he's done for himself. Tell him you have been feeling hurt and would love a closer relationship with his wife and your grandson.

But they seem to be the ones who disapprove of the OP's lifestyle! He's been putting his mum down for a long time, well before the baby.

OP has handled this recent exchange badly, but it's pretty clear that he's ashamed of her and had made that cheesy for a long time. That has to be hurtful.

JustGettingStarted · 20/10/2024 23:54

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:25

I am reading the more negative answers, I've come to the conclusion I shouldn't of even said anything. Even tho it's been bothering me for a while now. Not even the baby situation. Just how my son is towards me and the comments he makes to me about my work and about my home etc

Show quote history

Oh, this predates all of this. You've been brewing this situation for years.

Unless you can honestly say "I have alienated my son through my behaviour" and honestly looked for why, and taken complete responsibility for it... He is right to do so.

saraclara · 20/10/2024 23:59

TizerorFizz · 20/10/2024 23:45

@DreamyPearlOrca Your stuck up is my normal. You seem to put great store by not being seen as stuck up. Whatever that really means!

Well, some of us do like better things in life. Even two cars. Could it be that you are very negative around them? Do you wear your working class credentials a bit too obviously? Basically you have to put up and shut up. What they do isn’t your concern and if he’s changed with her, so be it. Maybe he’s grown up. I’d pipe down and say sorry and wind your prejudices in. I’m not sure they are liking your attitude which runs contrary to theirs. They obviously like an upwardly mobile life and I think your DS can easily be happy if they share the same values. The fact you don’t share their values and despise her money isn’t putting you in their world. My DM was always rather proud I had money!

Have you been reading OP 's posts? He's been the one critical of his mum and putting her down for years. Had he continued to accept who she and his sister are, despite moving into wealthier circles, OP wouldn't think of him as stuck up.

My in-laws could easily have thought of me and my family as stuck up. But they didn't. And that's because their son and I loved them and valued them, and didn't measure them by their wealth or occupation in relation to my family.

sprigatito · 21/10/2024 00:00

Unfortunately I think what you said to him was the worst thing you could have done. Calling him stuck up will have been taken as an attack on the lifestyle they have built together, just as they are home making with their new baby and wanting to feel like a family. Saying that he has changed since he met her will have come across as an attempt to undermine their relationship and drive a wedge between them, just when they are trying to pull together and adjust to being parents. Complaining about her family seeing more of them than you will have made them feel guilty and under pressure, just when they need understanding and support with a newborn and all the upheaval that brings. It's normal for a woman to want her own mother around her when she's a new mum getting over childbirth and grappling with feeding. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that. They are pushing you away because you are hurting them, and they need to focus on their new baby and each other. Your son is protecting his partner and child. You should be proud of him for that. You have some serious thinking to do.

hotpotlover · 21/10/2024 00:01

I would never block my mother just because she called me stuck up. I think you were probably emotional because of the mistreatment and the hurt that you couldn't see your grandson very often.

You said what you said at a bad time and it was a misjudgement on your part.

But blocking you is a complete overreaction and he's an arse for treating his mother this way

Stripeandsquare · 21/10/2024 00:01

TizerorFizz · 20/10/2024 23:45

@DreamyPearlOrca Your stuck up is my normal. You seem to put great store by not being seen as stuck up. Whatever that really means!

Well, some of us do like better things in life. Even two cars. Could it be that you are very negative around them? Do you wear your working class credentials a bit too obviously? Basically you have to put up and shut up. What they do isn’t your concern and if he’s changed with her, so be it. Maybe he’s grown up. I’d pipe down and say sorry and wind your prejudices in. I’m not sure they are liking your attitude which runs contrary to theirs. They obviously like an upwardly mobile life and I think your DS can easily be happy if they share the same values. The fact you don’t share their values and despise her money isn’t putting you in their world. My DM was always rather proud I had money!

'Wind her prejudices in'? When her son is apparently ashamed of her working as a cleaner? If that's true, it's awful. Any honest job's worthy of respect.

Lunde · 21/10/2024 00:02

It was a big mistake to say anything - especially as it appears that you and your daughter ganged up to make judgemental comments a matter of weeks after they had a new baby.

It seems that you and your son are both pretty judgemental of each other. I think your son has made mistakes but then again so have you and you've clearly let them know that you judge them.

It seems you and your daughter feel affronted that your DS and DIL would not take a load of second hand stuff and bought everything new. If they can afford it - so what? Why exactly does that bother you? Many new parents look forward to choosing stuff for their baby and don't always want to have other people's choice of stuff in colours they don't like.

You have no idea what is going on in their home - perhaps she is suffering from post natal depression or anxiety but fears that you will not be sympathetic. Perhaps she feels your judgement and doesn't want to to be criticized. The fact that her parents are there every evening might suggest that everything is not rosy and your pile on was unhelpful. Would you feel confident around, or confide in people that contact you to berate you or call you stuck up?

If you want to have your grandchild in your life it would probably be best if you sent them a heartfelt apology.

Birdscratch · 21/10/2024 00:04

These threads are always really interesting. People take sides and assume things that the OP has never even mentioned.

Joolo · 21/10/2024 00:06

When my parents were around frequently in the postpartum period it's because I was really struggling and developed PPD, was nearly admitted to a mother and baby unit.
We didn't share this with DHs parents as they were totally blinkered and demanding, it was too much at the time. My DH fell out with his parents when they complained to him about things as he was trying to protect me and baby and could have done with support instead of criticism.

SixtySomething · 21/10/2024 00:10

JustGettingStarted · 20/10/2024 23:50

People don't cut off their mothers for no reason.

It won't be because you're too poor or whatever.

You've done something to alienate him from you. And until you can recognise what it is, he's right to do so.

Unfortunately, I believe this sort of think can happen

JanglingJack · 21/10/2024 00:11

BarbaraHoward · 20/10/2024 22:48

Right or wrong, saying that and criticising his wife when they have a newborn was never going to end well.

This.

Baby is only 2 months old, of course Mum wants HER Mum there to help, there could be all sorts of things medically or mentally going on that you're not privy to.

You steam roller in and slag the young first time Mum off.

My son's gf had a baby 2 years ago. Even I knew that she wanted her Mum not me. We'd have very quick visits.

Only now is it days together and sleepovers.

I'm sorry, but you've shot yourself in the foot there.

SixtySomething · 21/10/2024 00:11

hotpotlover · 21/10/2024 00:01

I would never block my mother just because she called me stuck up. I think you were probably emotional because of the mistreatment and the hurt that you couldn't see your grandson very often.

You said what you said at a bad time and it was a misjudgement on your part.

But blocking you is a complete overreaction and he's an arse for treating his mother this way

I quite agree with this. I hope it all works out soon.

Anuta77 · 21/10/2024 00:16

BarbaraHoward · 20/10/2024 22:48

Right or wrong, saying that and criticising his wife when they have a newborn was never going to end well.

I didn't see where she criticized his wife.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 00:19

DreamyPearlOrca · 20/10/2024 23:25

I am reading the more negative answers, I've come to the conclusion I shouldn't of even said anything. Even tho it's been bothering me for a while now. Not even the baby situation. Just how my son is towards me and the comments he makes to me about my work and about my home etc

Show quote history

What comments does he make about your work and your home? That does sound unkind on his part.

WhistPie · 21/10/2024 00:21

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 00:19

What comments does he make about your work and your home? That does sound unkind on his part.

Show quote history

He told her to get a better job than cleaning

Dweetfidilove · 21/10/2024 00:21

I'm sorry OP 💐💐