DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

You need to tag him.
I’m only half joking.
Or if he’s not actually working in the study send the dc in.

Send dc to look for him with their requests....

I can't stand this. Mine just wanders off to the garden or whatever with no care in the world knowing the kids prefer me.

He can’t really be expected to be out helping when he’s WFH.

Start pulling him up before he goes missing. ‘Can you do bath time tonight, I need to sort the laundry.’ ‘Let’s all sit and have dinner together, I want you to hear about the kids day.’

My dc are grown but my dh has always done this. He would be in the kitchen and see me putting the final touches to dinner and suddenly he is gone. Outside to do some silly task in the garden that doesn't need doing for a month. Or as we are packing the car for holidays he would disappear and be in the garage tidying paint cans. It drove me spare for years and he always acted like l was the weird one. Recently our eldest, adult, ds has been diagnosed with ADHD and listening to him and studying it up l see my dh also has ADHD and gets distracted at the most inopportune times. It doesn't make it less annoying though. It's fine for me now as l don't have small children so l ignore it but you have my full sympathy and l would talk to him about it at a quiet time giving examples as its very unfair.

Of course he sits in his study when he is working from home. I wouldn't expect him to do differently!

I had a friend who was constantly bugging her husband and getting annoyed when he was working from home.and not helping her. Given he was as the sole breadwinner with a difficult job I found her attitude utterly baffling

When I work from home my job is just as pressured as when I am in the office.

When he's working you'll need to leave him to get on with it.
When he's not, divide up the chores and dealing with the DC.

My DH does this occasionally at home but all the time in shops. I've had to get 2 toddlers to the toilet (one needing to use it and the other with a poo in their nappy) while he's wandering around browsing.

I wouldn't expect help while WFH but, when he's off, your DH should definitely take turns with dinner or bath.

Sorry if I missed, do you work?

Don't engage in conversations about what he's doing, the key is to start splitting up the caring and housework more fairly. Split the days up, designate one of you the main child care person for each evening - that person does tea, chivvies the kids, does bath etc.

He knows what he is doing IMO.

As for this: he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat this is classic doormat talk - stop accepting responsibility for all tea duties. If he won't share the load, then cook for you and the kids and he can cook his own. You're either partners or flatmates.

Two separate things here, if he is working from home then he is at work. It’s just the same as if he was out at the office.

Unless you live in a mansion he can’t be that hard to find? Ask him in advance to do something eg we agree who is doing bedtime around dinner time. I usually do the cooking but DH has his own things to be getting on with.

Thanks for answers. It is good to have solidarity!

Re the working from home, I don’t bother him when he’s working from home and in fact if I am in (on one of my non working days) make sure the children are out most of the day. But there comes a point where you think ‘hang on, taking the piss here!’ as the clock ticks towards half past six!

Ah I get it … he stays on late. At six I would tap on the door and literally state you are going out and do this a couple of nights a week

Don’t you ask him where he’s going? Does he not cook? If not, why not? What does he do for sustenance? Does he just appear at feeding times?
You should immediately delegate bathtime to him starting tomorrow.
Also tell him it’s really unattractive. Honestly there is nothing less sexy than a man who won’t look after his own kids.
And beat him at his own game. Next time he has the kids, go for a 45 minute shit. Or go and sit in the garden with a glass of wine and say you were just dealing with something there.

IzBy tbe sound of it I think you may have a problem with the Time-Warp-Continium at your property. You need you to contact your local council.

(It's exactly what you are paying your community charge (poll tax) for.)

This is the problem though @Spagettifunction , I can’t really do that if he’s literally on a call but I do suspect it’s - perhaps not exactly consciously deliberate but certainly subconsciously!

He doesn’t cook. I don’t mind that. He’s a fussy eater so sometimes he eats what the children do and sometimes doesn’t and twice a week they are in nursery anyway so eat there. But I suppose the point is that he has this sort of freedom I don’t have, even within the house!

I know I haven’t painted him in a great light and he perhaps isn’t that bad, he’s a good man at heart but I wish in a way I could go back to my naive days prior to having first DC when I genuinely thought we were in it together.

I have limited sympathy- you’ve got more than one child so you had the second knowing he was fuck all use. And you are tolerating it.

With the exception of BF which was all on me, we’ve been 50/50 from the start. Equal drop
offs and pick ups, equal bath and bed times.

DH does most of the food shopping, cooking, gardening and DIY. I do cleaning and finances and admin. It’s not optional.

Give him an ultimatum, he steps up or he can fuck off as you would barely notice the difference anyway.

That’s such an extreme stance though @Idontlikeyou

I did have a second; I’d have her again, a thousand times over, no matter how useless DH is. The tough early years won’t last forever and I can’t imagine not having her. That aside, at the risk of sounding a bit caustic and cold, we aren’t all perfect. And we certainly aren’t always perfect post birth and especially not with first Dc. I was in a fog for several weeks with DC1, came through it and slowly, slowly realised the equal parenting we had anticipated was anything but. Covid didn’t help either.

He doesn’t do nothing but in all honesty has no idea (I don’t think) how much I do and how little down time I have!

You need to beat it him up to it.

Start by restating the fact he HAS TO be there for the dcs meal/bat( time/bed time.
Then as soon as you start the whole process (and he is likeky to disappear), ask him to do XOR Y. Give him responsibilities. Tell him to feed the dcs.
If he isn’t there, call for him. Call him on his mobile. Send one of the dcs but simply do NOT let him get away with ‘oh I didn’t hear you’.
Or maybe he needs to have his hearing checked….

And btw it IS bad.
Because atm it’s just frustrating. But it’s going to become resentment soon. And then what?

He doesn’t do nothing but in all honesty has no idea (I don’t think) how much I do and how little down time I have!

Because he’s never had to do it.
And certainly not in a regular repeated way.
ai can’t blame him for not knowing if he has never done it.
But you dint have to accept it.

And btw he isn’t ’a Good man at heart’ if you’ve told him many times you needed help because it’s hard work at the end of the day and he hasn’t made any efforts to lighten your load. That’s not what caring for someone looks like.

It is unlikely he’d have his mobile with him and I can’t really send a child on a mission to find him!

I think @junebirthdaygirl has explained the problem so well, it is exactly what DH is like. Sometimes he can’t stop fixating on something once he decides it needs doing even if it is clearly non urgent or not bothering anybody else, so case in point a slightly wonky door handle or something.

I am not convinced anything will change, I have tried to talk to him about it but he focuses on the minutiae of the situation ‘but I had to go into the garden because …’ and not the overall picture. It ends up bickering and point scoring until we get bored and give up.

You need to go out and leave him to sort the kids a couple of times a week @towardstheocean this disappearing works both ways!

He is crap but you are enabling it.

‘I’m going to the gym at 5 tomorrow, your turn to do dinner bath and bed’

The ‘in love while parenting’ app is free and a great tool for improving your relationship, you both have to complete it. An atmosphere of bickering and resentment/burnt out Mum/non-present dad is not a healthy environment for kids or a good blueprint for their future relationships.

Sigh … I will be honest and say this was one major reason I was partly inclined to suffer in silence; the insistence it’s actually my fault.

Literally all I’m doing is parenting my children. I’m not going to neglect them to make a point, it just isn’t going to happen.

I am not convinced anything will change

Then either you accept this is how he is that you will always be in your own dealing with the dcs and whatever isn’t his thing.

Or, you decide you can’t accept that and move on.

What is a crap choice imo is to decide you aren’t happy but that will do, or it will get better as the dcs grow up but it isn’t and you just grow more and more resentful.