DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

My kids are 2 and 4 and DH and I alternate whose turn it is to do bedtime and the other cleans the kitchen. It works well for us. He also does quite a bit of cooking which helps!
It sounds like you need to just be direct and tell him "while the kids are eating I need you present", lay out what is expected of him and hopefully he will improve

My DH is like this OP. I have been working on him for years. I think the core of it is that he is thinking mostly about his own stuff (and will disappear off to do it), whereas I am thinking about what everyone needs/ the family routine. If you have this dynamic you will be the default because you’ll always think ‘right, need to start making dinner’ at least half an hour before your DH does.

I have had success with clear division of tasks agreed in advance. Also literally going to find him and saying ‘do you think you could make the dinner?’

But it’s a bit like at work, if you have one person in your team not doing their share you can either refuse to cover for them but that could put your own job in jeopardy if it’s a shared goal or assignment, or you end up doing far more than your fair share.

No, you employ healthy communication to assert yourself and lay down boundaries! You take responsibility for your own work, and don’t burden yourself unnecessarily with the responsibility of others.

https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/popular-excuses-to-not-seek-professional-help.htm

https://windingpathcounseling.com/blog/balancing-relationship-responsibilities

https://psychcentral.com/blog/psychology-self/2018/11/guilt-responsibility-dysfunction#9

sdhcounselling.co.uk/taking-ownership-the-transformative-power-of-responsibility-in-marriage/

XP was a bit like this. I made bath time his responsibility and not only did I get a "break" but it brought him closer to the dc.

Try it.

What will.happen if you are ill and are admitted to hospital or even just quite poorly at home? He needs to be able to do all the tasks you do ... he needs to crack on abd start learning.
You are providing a very poor example to your children BTW.

I think, OP, that you actually want to be the default parent - you and your DH are working well together to ensure that the DC don't actually have a relationship with him

But what's happening now is leading to resentment - which is a huge relationship killer. He's not a mind reader - obviously he thinks that things are fine now because it suits him.

YOU want things to change from how they are now, so YOU need to instigate a change - whether that is talking to him, setting boundaries, going apeshit, or something else...

The fact that you don't want to talk to him about it, but just expect him to spontaneously change his behaviour means you're only going to be frustrated and not get the outcome you want from this - which is a change in his behaviour.

A lot of men do this. It's deliberate, to avoid parenting IMO, because parenting is hard.
Much easier, for him, if you're the default parent. That way even if he does do some parenting you have to ask him to do it. And you have to find him first

People are suggesting you speak to him adult to adult, equal to equal.

You set out what is pissing you off and say what youd like to change. He then thinks about it and tells you how he feels.

Did you ever see you parents discuss things like equals?

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming.

I’m not sure you fully grasp the concept of working from home.

I think as soon as he reappears, whenever that is, you say “can you just watch them a moment?” and then you disappear for an hour, soak in the bath! If he comments, say “well when else was I meant to bath?” Play him at his own game.

You're obviously resigned to the situation and feel it's easier to continue as your are. But you posted for a reason - what was it? Just to share how you felt?
As you're not keen to have the big conversation, how about just letting him experience what it's like to be vanished on? Ie, when he is present briefly, go to the loo or upstairs, still within earshot, and wait? What would he actually do when you don't reappear?

My ex dh used to melt out the picture, too. His main trick was going to the loo, then disappearing straight into his office to "work". (Eg Playing games in his computer)

If you told DH on Monday night that you were going out for a few hours (cinema maybe) on Wednesday, do you really think he wouldn’t give the children dinner and put them to bed?

Seconded. OP, you are resolutely dismissing every single suggestion made and wilfully misunderstanding some points. Are you sure you genuinely want the situation to change?

His inner monologue is him. Therefore, he is free to wander as his head leads. Your inner monologue is everyone else, so you aren't. He doesn't have your back. But you have his.

You seem not to be receptive to solutions/think they won't work, but to make your life easier, insist he carries his phone. Then ring him when you need him.

How do you feel about what you are modelling for your children?

My XH (the kids' dad) was exactly the same. He would vanish, quite often to lock himself in the toilet for an hour at a time. He couldn't possibly be expected to take over the children, because he was having a poo. Regardless of the fact that if I wanted a poo I had to take them with me.

He just didn't want the hassle of small children. They were time consuming, spent most of their time fighting among themselves and not listening. So he'd opt out and go and sit on the loo instead.

I got divorced. His behaviour never improved and he always regarded himself as more important than me. Bringing up five kids with no partner was a breeze compared to trying to persuade help out of a man who just didn't want to.

Put it back on him. He's feeding the kids Mon - Wed, doing baths Thurs to Sat, doing bed time Fri - Sun or some equal split. Times are non negotiable and he's expected to be there at the required time. Make a point of forcing him to parent on the weekends and evenings. Go out, go for a long shower etc and leave him with the kids. He will only get better with parenting if he practises.

@towardstheocean - not RTFT but have noticed references to him ‘helping’ you. If that is the language you’re using, you need to change it immediately. Because that language suggests that parenting is your job and his support is optional. But in fact, you’re both parents and he needs to start parenting his DCs. When he’s not at work, that’s as much his job as yours. So if you can - start making clear what the parenting jobs are and how you expect him to share them. And as a PP suggested, send the DCs to look for him (or take them with you). Make clear that it is also his job to parent your shared DCs. Not just yours.

Take turns to do dinner and bath. (Mine also buggered off just before the baby was born though)

@towardstheocean You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. It’s frustrating, I know. If after talking to him about this issue he doesn’t step up and be more considerate of you and more involved with the kids, then all you can do is find a way to create some balance for yourself and some boundaries.

You can’t change him. You can change yourself. Find some time to give yourself some R&R. I know it’s difficult with young kids, but be creative.

More than anything, I think I am bored.

It is boring explaining that for instance, I used to do an exercise class on Mondays that I had to keep sending my apologies over for because DH kept forgetting and had to go to the office that day, or to visit a client.

It is so dull explaining that I can’t just fuck off and leave two preschool children alone. Even now, one was crying and calling out; DH doesn’t hear, how long do I leave him cold and uncomfortable (he’d spilled his water) in the pursuit of equality? I mean, what would you do? Walk past your three year olds room and listen to him cry out to go into your husband and wake him up while you Stand Over Him and you Tell Him That. (And wait for him to wake up and pee all while you’re wide awake and your child cries.)

Or just do it yourself?

Like I say it is tedious. I don’t have the time to be farting around going to the cinema and in fairness neither does DH. I’m sorry to snap but some of these responses are just so unhelpful.’being burned to a crisp is one thing but the ‘well it is your fault’ ones are worse. I wonder if people stop to think how horrible they are to be on the receiving end of, but I don’t expect they care.

I was you.
I know you posted and now you're kind of playing it down, but you really shouldn't.
I used to get so frustrated and sound exactly like you (I'm not breaking up my family over it etc), and would end up thinking oh well, I can't change it and I'm accused of nagging and to save arguments I'll do it. But, believe me, as they get older it will get worse and the hate you will start to feel for your husband will become so strong. As mine got older and started school I went back to work and was doing all the traditional women's jobs and men's jobs, parenting, taking on the mental load alone and every single thing. I was totally burnt out and exhausted for years while he just swanned about doing what he wanted or sitting in his fuckin chair. I was literally doing from the minute I got up till the minute I went to bed.
When I wasn't at home for any reason my son had to take on the role of parent to my youngest daughter and it was awful. She would answer back to him, he would be upset etc, all while my husband sat there not parenting.
Eventually after 21 years of marriage I left because I had such resentment that he let me do all this because of his laziness. I was so scared my son would grow into a man thinking this is how you treat women and that my daughters would think this is how men treat should treat them.
That was two years ago. My life isn't easier but I have peace knowing there isn't a man in my house happy to treat me like an actual slave. My children are so much happier and so am I. In fact, when I look back at it it's quite traumatic.
My point is, as pp's have said, at the moment it's annoying, but this is a man that is happy to let you do everything while he swans about relaxed and doing what he wants and you will end up hating him. He knows what he's doing and how can someone that is supposed to love you just let you do it all and become more and more exhausted.
You need to set boundaries or be treated like a maid for years. I totally get everything you're saying because I said the same things, but it's a very serious thing

And, yes, you're right, you can't just leave them to cry etc or not feed them. That's not the answer. I really hope you can sort something because it's miserable doing it all yourself when there's another capable adult in the house