DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

Wow, how have you not flipped your lid over this? I would be demanding where the hell he was whilst you were doing all the parenting and asking him if he thought this was fair.

I mean don’t you just say “the bloody garden or car can wait, why is it so important to do right now?”. And pointing out that actually it DOESN’T need to be done at that time. I would also be accusing him of actually trying to resist doing the hard graft of parenting and asking if he actually wanted kids.

You sound quite passive. I wouldn’t be in your shoes. I’d get through to him by repeating my displeasure every time he did it. After all, they are his kids too.

My exH used to do this - come home from work, see that I'm about to serve tea & decide he was going to have a bath or was just running the car down to the car wash & to put his meal in the oven. He would spend ages tidying the shoes in the hall or tidying the garden shed rather than helping with bath/bed time. Would occasionally run a vacuum over some carpets or wash the kitchen floor (leaving it dangerously wet - once I slipped & dislocated my knee) when nagged into it. In the end I said that I felt like a housekeeper who he was able to have sex with. He didn't say anything so I filed for divorce & never looked back.

I don't think you're still on the thread OP but just in case you are, would your H consider going to counselling with you so you can express how you feel in a non pressured setting? As it's been going on 4 years already and resentment is what kills marriages, along with living separate lives, which it sounds like you're doing if he's disengaged from all the child care duties. I wouldn't just put up with it if you want to stay with him, as one day you will run out of patience (straw/ camel), decide you have had enough and there will be no way back for him then. He's risking his family by behaving like this.

Yup. Takes me back to the days, long ago now, when I used every weekday to watch DH getting the plants ready for school at the bottom of the garden. Only comfort I can offer is that the plants eventually stop needing to go to school.

You can do it. You sit in the car with a book and a flask,That costs zero. I agree with the other poster, u just don't want to do the steps that others would take to solve this.

Make sure he always has a mobile with him and switched on. Use it to call him or just converse with him on anything and everything

Loved this 😄😄

If he works from home 2 days a week then that's what he should be doing...working, not helping you.

Do you work? If not, I'd say this role definitely lies with you anyway automatically and that's what a sahp does. It seems like you're asking for too much in my opinion.

Absolutely.
Take it from me, clearly allocate tasks or days and then stick with it. If he gets an inkling it's possible to wriggle out of pulling his weight he will, and once that pattern's established its near impossible to change!

Why aren't you eating together as a family?

With regards bathtime get him to bath them and you dry them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Opposite way round in our house. I work full time from home and my husband doesn't work so he can be available full time for our disabled child.
From 8.30am to 5pm I am working (apart from one hour for lunch).
During those hours I am working and he has to look after our son. It is exactly the same as if I was working in an office somewhere.
Working from home means working not looking after children.
It is exactly the same as going somewhere to work.
The only difference is you don't have to commute so you have more family time before and after work.

Do you want to do this the rest of your life?
Or?

I'd ask if you've tried reading the whole thread, or at least the OP's posts - but it's pretty obvious that you haven't

Yep this happens here too and usually at mealtimes when I’m busy cooking and could use a hand but he disappears. Very convenient 🙄 But magically arrives once the food is on the table. Go figure 🤷🏻‍♀️

I read the first post. Who actually reads ll the comments.

"See all posts" is helpful, if you don't want to read all the comments you could read the OP's so your fourpenneth isn't totally meaningless. Or you could just take a punt.

It is useful if you read all the OP's comments and maybe the last couple on the thread, otherwise you miss stuff

OP likes being in servitude to this man, that’s why she thinks asking him to care for his own family equally is: “unsexy”, she gets off on it, quite literally I expect.

Do you leave him to look after the kids on his own for an evening or say, an afternoon at weekend?
You need to tell him, you are doing bathtime/bed on Tuesday and Thursday ... I need a break too.

This thread is from October that someone, for whatever reason, has resurrected - the OP has probably moved on

Why have you suddenly decided to post on this thread nearly 3 months later?
As you can see, others after you haven't realised and probably found it from Active as I did.
Guessing your felt your manly opinion was going to be absolutely essential to OP. 😂