DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

No one is asking you to neglect them.
It’s about forcing his hand to take his responsibilities as a father. If anything THIS is the opposite of neglect. Furvtye simple reason that children need a present father. One that will give them a good example of what being a man is.
like forking, looking after chikdren and simply pulling his weight up.
Not talking about bonding with his dcs, building a relationship with them etc….

We did a child each EVERY evening. why don't you? Swop child every evening.

Do nothing about it then, let you kids grow up thinking that’s normal and watch them
experience the same shite as adults. That’s how it happens. It’s a cycle that keeps women in their place and men at the top.

Not on my watch, I want my child to have higher expectations and good role models.

I think I have accepted it. I do reserve the right to have a bit of a frustrated moan about it sometimes, though. Whether people like it or not if one parent walks off then the other is a bit stuck, I can’t just do the same, and while it might be possible to do a bit of a tit for tat thing it a) feels a bit uncomfortable and b) isn’t always practical and would probably lead to more work for me later which unsurprisingly, given I’m spread very thin sf it is, I want to avoid!

How about alternating disappearing evenings so each of you gets sole charge of the DC’s tea and baths etc and then the other one reappears for grown up time?

Best case he’s an idiot, worst case he’s lazy and doesn’t give a shit that you have to pick up the slack.

Me and my DP are home together a lot with our kids. We both know what looking after a baby and a toddler requires. I choose my time to go off and do something independently (ie the time I know there will be the least impact for him) and he does the same. We also let each other know what we’re doing. I actually hate it tbh, when I go to the office once a week I love the fact that no one knows where I am, when I’m home I tell my DP if I’m going to the toilet (because then he has to watch the crawling / cruising baby). As much as I hate it, is not dream of disappearing and not telling him. We’re a team and he needs me, just like I need him.

What about to the kids "come on lets go and find daddy and bring him to the dinner table"

And have them traipsing around the garden, garage, shed, on a darkening autumn evening when they’re hungry and tired (and one is a non walker)?

I think these suggestions mean well but right now … well, it is as it is. Unbelievably frustrating though.

Do you have free evenings? Do you have at least one night a week to go out with a friend or go to the cinema or choir practice or whatever you want to do?

Because if not you should be instigating that, as a bare minimum. Not asking for it, doing it.

You say he doesn’t cook, does that include for the children? Because anyone can poach some fish and boil some peas. No excuses.

I know in most cases comparison is the thief of joy but I do think it’s useful sometimes. There are men out there who share the load, who cook for and bathe their children, who don’t do weaponised incompetence, and you don’t have to put up with it.

No you go and find him together. My husband finishes work at 5pm and if he’s not out of the room by 5:20 we come and get him, for a start because my son likes to pretend to be him at his desk on the keyboard, but also because more times that not he’s lying on the bed having a little chill. Which is fine for a bit but then it’s crack on, dinner time. Which he cooks just as often as I do.

do it earlier and take a torch....then daddy can wash hands and so on before dinner.

Well if he's wfh he does actually have to wfh

You sound defeated but you don’t need to be. Would a schedule help? Literally planning out who is responsible for the kids and when?

Raising children is work. HTH

I don’t @YoucancallmeBettyDraper

He would have the children if I wanted to go out but I don’t have any spontaneity which is fine to a point but when DH is wandering around oblivious it can be a pain.

I really don’t see what dragging the kids out and getting them cold and wet and making them wait for dinner is achieving but well, whatever really.

I really don’t see what dragging the kids out and getting them cold and wet and making them wait for dinner is achieving but well, whatever really.

Think of it as short term pain for long term gain.

How about a rule that any garden-based work is done on weekends, or has to be started before 4pm? Or a rule that if he's not on a call, he stops work at 6pm and takes the kids for the next hour? I get your point about spontaneity but life with toddlers isn't that spontaneous anyway IME. Whereas if you plan, you can agree some time off.

Also, how about setting out a typical timetable for each of your days to him, to show him how much more free or non-kid time he gets than you?

Not relevant,

If she works, when she finishes work, she looks after her children. Like he should.

If no paid work, she looks after the children - until he isn't at his paid work too - and then they split that work 50/50 in whatever way works most conveniently for them both.

Whether people like it or not if one parent walks off then the other is a bit stuck, I can’t just do the same

No, you plan in advance and allocate who is doing dinner/bath/bed on which day

and while it might be possible to do a bit of a tit for tat thing it a) feels a bit uncomfortable

Uncomfortable to enable the other parent to do parenting? Why? Do you have some issues around control that might be worth exploring through psychotherapy?

and b) isn’t always practical and would probably lead to more work for me later which unsurprisingly, given I’m spread very thin sf it is, I want to avoid!

You are spread thin because you are not taking care of your own needs. You can’t fill from an empty cup. Take the time for yourself. Don’t ask, tell. It’s really very simple - ‘I am getting my hair done tomorrow night’ ‘I am
going to yoga on Wednesday’

You really need to go out so that he’s forced to sink or swim and the kids don’t look for you, If going out feels too much for you say ‘that I am having a bath at 530’ and put headphones in.

Caring for kids from wake up til bedtime is hideous and if you have the luxury of a partner you shouldn’t be suffering that.

Is he really in the garden that much??!
Lock him out

Allocate him some tasks OP, he needs to learn primarily to be a good partner but also you may get ill, need to take care of parents, break a leg etc etc. you need to be confident in him

Sit down with him and schedule it. Mon, Tues, weds you do dinner bath bed and Thurs Fri he does. Then the other one is free to wonder off and relax

It’s kind of illustrative. It feels like he vanishes a lot, sometimes for longish periods, sometimes short but I guess it’s more that he can and it’s infuriating.

@WallabyJob i can do that to a point (although work makes it hard) but still, it doesn’t solve the issues of me being 100% here and DH only 70, would be how I put it.

I’m sorry but it really sounds like you need some assertiveness training. There’s a book called A Woman in Your Own Right. It’s really old but it’s good. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to achieve anything resembling equal co-parenting with this guy unless you state your needs clearly and loudly and it doesn’t sound like you are currently able to do that. But change is possible!

He knows exactly what’s he’s doing. They always do. You are the woman appliance he’s using to buy more time away from the children.
We need to stop giving men the benefit of the doubt.