DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

You need to put him on the toddler reins you can get. Tug them when you need him. Then he can't run off. Generally, unsupervised men get into too much trouble.

I think he probably can hear - but it’s easier to appear not to.
If this continues you run the risk of becoming so bored and fed up (and you are already bored) that you just can’t be bothered to spend any time with him at all - the spark will be well and truly gone.
Best to address before it’s too late - relationship counselling? Dont threaten to leave as such but make it clear that this could
be a consequence of his behaviour down the line - that may be enough motivation.

It is boring explaining that for instance, I used to do an exercise class on Mondays that I had to keep sending my apologies over for because DH kept forgetting and had to go to the office that day, or to visit a client

Did you get angry when he did this? Did you say that he would need to come back in time for you to go to your class or to cancel his client visit, or else? You seem to see this as a situation where you have no leverage, and where his excuses 'when else can I do it?' can't be argued with. I get that you don't want to prolong your kids being uncomfortable. But do you not feel you would be justified in reading him the riot act over things like the exercise class? I'd accept that once but after once, it would be 'WTF, how dare you think you can put me in this position again?'

No, I didn’t get angry because I’m an adult and I recognise contracted work takes precedence over an exercise class.

There was another thread on here last week about this

Basically, it's detrimental to the child when both parents don't step up.

Cos if her DH doesn't step up, what is she gonna do, leave the kids to starve? If her 'd' h just apparently doesn't 'see' it??

Very frustrating op, I agree

So adults never get angry?

Bullshit about 'work takes precedence'. You said yourself it's that he forgot. He didn't organise his time properly to account for your wishes and commitments instead of his. He could have done. So it isn't work. It's that he behaves as if he's a more important person than you and you don't feel you can challenge that.

What has made you feel that you can never assert your needs, or those of your children?

Have you tried /suggested couples counselling?
It strikes me that you both need to thrash out a new way of working together and counselling can be good for that.

as pp's have said, at the moment it's annoying, but this is a man that is happy to let you do everything while he swans about relaxed and doing what he wants and you will end up hating him

^
This. Especially

'but this is a man that is happy to let you do everything'

He is happy to see you overworked. He does not care. He doesn't care that you do more.

This is exactly what it is. And it’s why it’s so hurtful when people blame me when I’m the one keeping it all together!

Basically, it’s natural consequences isn’t it? But those consequences impact the children not DH.

So before, I genuinely wonder what the fuck I was supposed to do. I have one child clambering all over me and one needing help with dinner, there’s chilli everywhere, one needs a drink, nappy change, kitchen is carnage, I just walk out and leave them while I hunt down DH? Obviously this isn’t really an option so I’m stuck there!

At any rate I’m bored explaining this. It’s a shame I can’t just talk and get a bit of support without being told I’m doing life all wrong. I’m sure that’s true but whatever. Last post.

My husband disappears too. It's annoying and dilberate. I just called it out and said he needs to communicate what he's up too.

I hear you op. I’m divorced. My exDH had 3 modes…either he was working he just finished working or it was his day off. He was simply never available to help no matter how I tried to involve him. And if I was sick he got sick. If I was tired he was more tired. I used to say if I was falling over dead dammit he would already be dead. Of course during divorce he suddenly wanted 50% custody. This man who hadn’t spent 2 hours alone with his DC. Recognizing a problem. Admitting it exists to others (MN) is the start of thinking about….how can I change this.

Not sure why you've posted here if you don't want to try and change things op.

My husband sort of does this.
He ALWAYS finds something very urgent to do when we come back from the supermarket. I don't think he's ever put the groceries away in 24+ years together.

Sometimes he will buy the catfood (we have a lot of cats) but just piles it all up in the utility room and doesn't put it away.

Also never comes to the table to eat when I say that the food is ready.
We don't argue much but this drives me mad.

Sit him down and lay your cards on the table.

When you do X, I feel frustrated and resentful and this is building up inside me. You need to try and support me by doing Y. If you don't step up, I will become a single parent because at least then I know it's me doing everything.

I don't blame you for getting into this situation. I do blame you for not trying to change it. That simmering resentment kills marriages. At the moment he probably has absolutely no idea how much this is killing you.

Re start the exercise class. Explain that it is not negotiable, he needs to be home and on parenting duty. I bet he organises his work so he can do things he wants.

What support do you want?

People aren't going to sit here saying it's all fine when clearly your DH is a twat.

He needs a job to do. You can’t so easily wander around aimlessly and vanish if you have a necessary job to do. If he’s not taken that job on himself, he needs it assigned to him.

For example, my dh has always looked after the dc while I do dinner and he’s always done bathtime. Literally the second he’s home from work and showered, dc are his. If he needs to do something, they need to go with him. Same with bathtime, he has done their baths since the first one. Eldest is 11 and has a shower now, but after dinner, he’s tasked with getting her in it (I don’t obviously mean physically in it, but reminding her to gather her things and get in!). While I put dc to bed, he tidies up and loads the dishwasher. Every day, exactly the same routine. You can’t disappear easily if you have a job that needs to be done or it’s obvious you’re shirking responsibility.

Maybe he doesn’t cook because he’s weird about food. But everyone can make a jacket potato, he can do dinner on Wednesdays. And he plate up and supervise the dinner you cooked every night. He can do bedtime with one while you do the other. He can make breakfast every morning while you sort nursery bags. If you just by default do it all, he has no reason not to wander.

If he won’t cook then he has the DC while you cook and that’s it. Lock yourself in the kitchen, music on, magazine, perhaps a glass of wine.
After that tell him he’s putting Jonny to bed and you’ll sort out Mary.
On the weekends my DH and I both got an hour to ourselves each day and they had to leave the other one alone even if the DC were screaming. I’d read the papers, have a bath etc when it was my hour.

Come on, of course the work takes precedence in this situation. If OP doesn't go to her exercise class it's frustrating and irritating for her, if her husband doesn't go to a client meeting or to the office when required, he gets fired and the family can't afford the mortgage.

OP's husband is shirking his responsibilities in the evening and weekend, and OP should really address it now before it turns into relationship killing resentment, and of course any time when neither parent is working - whether paid or otherwise - should be split 50 50 in terms of childcare, housework, and life admin. But when the husband is on the job, he's on the job, and expecting him to be available for parenting tasks is not realistic.

The most productive conversation I had with my husband about this was one I instigated by asking him what kind of life he thought our children would have if both their parents were like him vs both like me.

He had to acknowledge that two parents like him would be a shit show and the kids would be miserable and not have half the opportunities they do with me taking charge of their needs.

And he had to actually consider all the things like keeping track of library books, buying new pants, sorting birthday presents for parties, checking their bags for festering packed lunch remnants and everything else that he simply didn't think about.

When it was couched in those terms, genuinely felt bad for how little effort it would take to do some of those things himself. And how much nicer it is for the kids to feel like they can go to either of their parents for stuff because even at the ages of about 7 and 4 they had identified that it wasn't worth asking their dad for anything.

We have a much more equal relationship now and he has reaped the rewards because the kids are so much more rewarding when you are in the mix.

@towardstheocean what @comfyslippets posted … you can’t always in the moment just ‘not parent’ but you can take steps to change things for you long term. And get away from DH’s terrible role model.

I don't understand why you are so willing to roll over and accept your situation. Yes your DH is shit but you won't communicate your frustration with him, you'd rather quietly seeth while nothing improves.
Tell him!! Dinner is at 6pm, be at the table I need your help. Where are you off to? Bottom of garden? Fine don't forget! He forgets, put the baby in the high chair with a bread stick for 2 minutes, pick up the toddler, go to garden. Say it's dinner time you need to bring Jonny back and help, I'm feeding Daisy. Hand him toddler. Walk away.
Toddler covered in water, he's in bed. Take him Daisy, You need to deal with the baby. Johnny spilt his drink. Walk away.
You married a teenager so yes you need to talk to him like a teenager until he learns. If you give him no responsibility, he takes no responsibility....Or divorce him....I couldn't put up with this twattery to be honest it makes my vagina shrivel....
Book an exercise class on Saturday mornings. No excuses then. Wake him up, I'm out now, look after the kids, byeeee and just go.
The scenario given where you 'have' to cover a lazy team member. I don't just have to accept that situation either.....btw. Again you use your words with them or escalate above you.
You seem worn down to just accepting people can treat you however they feel fit. Find your self respect, find your anger!!. No one does this sort of shit to me because everyone knows I sure as hell won't take it!!

That depends on whether its within his working hours or not....whether he scheduled in the meeting or agreed to the scheduling and "forgot" about his partner's previous appointment. We had no kids but my late husband had a job where he could be called in at a moment's notice so I get that it happens and when it does, all bets are off. I also agree that during "normal" working hours then the non working partner has to pick up the childcare.
There are of course situations in life where there is NOTHING that can be done about it except bear the pain, the misery, the frustration but, with respect, this is not one of them. I refer you to a very old Honda ad..."If you hate something, change something, make something better"

I don’t think DH is ‘all bad’ and I was feeling very frustrated with him yesterday. But I do think people forget that people have … characters for want of a better word, and sometimes some characteristics don’t become obvious until you have children.

DH’s work involves sometimes working away. If he’s working away and I have an exercise class then I can’t really demand he comes back from Poland or Northern Ireland early. That’s one of those where to a large extent I have to suck it up. It is unfair: he’s away working but only has to focus on work, meanwhile I’m working too but have absolutely everything else.

But whats the alternative? There isn’t one and i accept that - there are attempts on both sides to balance it out: I work part time, and while at the moment that’s not any real difference it will be when both children are at school.

DS is nearly 4, so I’ve had a long time of this! DH isn’t going to change! Sitting Him Down And Telling Him will not make a blind bit of difference - all that happens is that he focuses on the minutiae of the situations (‘well, I had to go out to the bottom of the garden because …’) it just ends in bickering.

So it is infuriating and had I had a night out last night I’d have sat with my friends and grumbled about it. As it is, I grumbled on here

I don't think people are particularly meaning to blame you @towardstheocean but it's frustrating that you appear to be resigned to the fact that your situation can't change and you're dismissing what people are saying.
You need to sit your husband down (it doesn't matter if you've done this before) and spell it out LOUD AND CLEAR how his behaviour is affecting you.
You can't just wander off and disappear, so he can't either. He needs to sit there at mealtimes. Non negotiable.
Bathtime/bedtime you both take a child each, or one baths and one does bedtime. Basically whatever works for you but BOTH of you in it together!
If he can't see it after you've spelt it all out then maybe he's not as wonderful as you think he is.
The bottom line is STOP tolerating this and START making it crystal clear what you expect from him. Good luck!

You sound very defeatist with your situation, take control. Disappear into the bathroom for an hour, find him in the garden and give him both DC, do the suggestion another poster made of booking a Saturday morning class etc.