DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

Why can’t you vanish first?

Do you feel the need to be in control?

If he was regularly in charge of their routines and pushed into solo time with them, they would seek him out more and he would naturally become more present and connected

Where the tripswitch for all of the electrics? Turn it off, that'll summon him.

Or (my preferred option) install a Very Loud Alarm or tannoy system.

6pm open the study door wide, hand over children (tell them to go surprise Daddy and immediately leave the house. Go to Costa drive through for an hour, read a book, whatever. If he's in the middle of a call you STILL have to do it, because it's only through the inconvenience of parenting his own children that he will learn to not book calls for that time.

Sorry, I know you don't want to pack the kids up and go traipsing to look for him but you really are rolling over and accepting being treated like shit at the moment.

I think I know things won’t change. Work schedules and timings mean i am the default parent throughout the week and then at weekends that continues. It is frustrating and I don’t think I’d mind if it wasn’t for the fact that Dh seems oblivious to how stressful it is when he vanishes!

You sound resigned. Not sure how to help you beyond saying it’s a recipe for long-term unhappiness that you’d do well to sort out now. But it doesn’t seem like you’re actually that interested in working through it, you just want to vent. Which is fine until it isn’t and it’s divorce time

Haha love this but she can do better than Costa drive through, Christ almighty. Dinner with a friend!

😂😂😂

Have you ever had therapy? Highly recommend psychotherapy.

Googling ‘over responsibility’ might be interesting to you.

As most PP have pointed out, you simply need to stop doing everything and take time for yourself but you seem completely unwilling to take that on board.

You are deep in denial, telling yourself stories to justify maintaining an unhealthy home dynamic for your children which will model subservience to them and lead to a burnt out, stressed mum who is unable to be present or calm or model emotional regulation.

I did say in my OP I didn’t think things would change. People do want to fix and I get that but endless impractical suggestions just become a bit frustrating for both sides; people think you’re just being awkward and then get annoyed with me and then the thread becomes waspish and unhelpful.

I do consider myself a reasonably intelligent person and I can see how things have become like this. But it’s a bit like at work, if you have one person in your team not doing their share you can either refuse to cover for them but that could put your own job in jeopardy if it’s a shared goal or assignment, or you end up doing far more than your fair share. It isn’t unusual to end up opting for the latter. But it is frustrating.

I don’t plan on having therapy no - I don’t have time apart from anything else!

You know it won’t change, because you are not changing it! He's obviously not going to change, presumably he enjoys shirking his responsibilities and loading you up. I’m not sure why you have convinced yourself you are powerless, you’re not, you’re probably just tired. Have a coffee, make a plan. If you don’t do this you’ll end up divorcing him in 5-10 years because you’ll hate him.

Things can change! Oh my god I want to shake you (in the nicest possible way).

What I think is annoying is the just leaving without a word. I think it's at least polite to say "I'm just going to ...". At least you then have a chance to ask him to wait and do X or Y or come back quickly. That's why he doesn't say anything and just leaves

No one is asking you to neglect your children.

They are suggesting you stand up to your DH and get something more fair in place.

You are the default parent because you act as the default parent.

Absolutely this.

Things can change if you push hard enough.

I don't think this is your fault. It's a common pattern with young kids when mum has maternity leave and dad expects life to be the same once mum is back at work.

I reccomend a weekend away. By yourself and leave him with the children. On your return he may be more present. If he isn't, leave.

Why not talk to him before he disappears, rather than trying to find him when he's already done it?

"DH, you often seem to vanish at dinner time. I'd like you to stop whatever you're doing at 6pm this evening and come and do dinner time with the children, please." What would he say? What would he do? If he agrees and then vanishes you can go and "remind" him he should be with the children. Hand them over to him physically if necessary. If he won't agree/you won't hand them over because you don't trust him to feed them then you have much bigger problems.

Remember that you can only control what's inside your boundaries and how you respond to things, you can't control other people or their responses. I agree with you that it's unfair it's on you to "fix" this, but you need to change what YOU are doing and stop sorting of hoping that he'll change what he's doing.

Herc, it is a massive, massive thing to break up a family and it isn’t something you just do because.

Yes, it’s annoying. Yes, I’m the default parent. Yes, I’m sure it’s my fault (although for good reasons.) But leaving is a hell of a step, and probably not something I’d do for any reason bar abuse tbh.

That would absolutely kill any lingering love I think - I really, really don’t want to have to speak to him like he’s a naughty teenager.

When he's WFH he's working. He's not available to help you, because his time is at his employer's disposal. Never assume he should or will be.

So many posts here from women WFH exasperated that everyone assumes they can drop work and come and do things for them, because they are not out 'at work'.

And when he's not working at home or at the office he has things to do at home, same as you do.

But the problem is you aren't talking together about sharing the family time. Every minute he's off down the garden he's missing moments in their lives.

1. Carve out 1hr per week for therapy
2. Learn why you take on unnecessary responsibility and why you won’t assert yourself.
3. Start asserting yourself and stop doing too much.
4. Revel in the many, many hours gained each week from no longer doing 100% of the parenting on top of your job
5. Become a happier, healthier and less resentful parent and partner

But my point is, you WILL leave him in years to come if you don’t fix this now. You’ll hate him, it’ll be unbearable; years and years of watching him allow you to work your arse of while he ‘disappears’ will kill your relationship. Addressing this now will mean you (hopefully) won’t have to break up your family.

Sounds like you have accepted that you have no choice but to accept him behaving like this.

So glad my DH was the opposite to this.

Does your DH read, build Lego and spend quality playtime with the kids?

I call mine and tell him what to do next if he forgets. His daughter is the same. Needs telling all the time

You aren't doing it just because though.

You will become more and more resentful of his behaviour.

Would you want your children in this relationship? Because right now, and if things don't change, you're modelling this as an acceptable life to them.

You're currently far away from leaving and rightly so. But if he's not listening to your pov and trying, then eventually you'll have difficult choices to make.

Yes dh can do this or if I say I'm doing this job can you watch/entertain ds? He will do it five minutes then wander off and do his own jobs!!

The only way you can break through his obliviousness is to train him out of it. White board in the kitchen and division of labour. Let him see how unevenly the load is not shared.
Start simple : on this evening you will bath this child and read to them. At no point will there be wandering off until said child is tucked up in bed and the bathroom is tidied. You might need to break it into smaller steps until he can complete the whole thing.
Then give him another one.
When I was a young wife, back in the last century, training your husband was a normal topic of conversation.
Plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose.