DH is constantly vanishing in the house

[towardstheocean]

Sounds ridiculous and probably is; I’m semi anticipating being roasted to a crisp here but does anyone else have a DH like mine?

We have two very young children and obviously they are a lot of work. We have definitely fallen into me being the default carer and I have to admit I’m not sure this can be changed. But what’s currently driving me insane is DH vanishing. For example earlier, the children were eating dinner and I really could have used some help but he’d gone. I was calling to him but no answer. He came back some half an hour later and said ‘oh sorry, I was sorting out X in the garden’ Point out if t wasn’t a great moment and I get huffy ‘when else can I do it?’ But I somehow have to do my things around him.

He WFH twice a week and is always sat in his study for hours while I struggle with the children in the next room, fuming. He disappears at bath time too.

I do think it’s partly deliberate and also partly that lack of forethought - he doesn’t need to worry about their dinner as I’ll sort it and of course I can’t very well not because they have to eat.

It is so frustrating.

He's just another selfish loser that avoids his family.
You have accepted it and so it will continue.
His behaviour is deliberate as is his gaslighting you when you mention it.
He's a waster and your children will clock this as they grow up.
Your children deserve better.

@rainbowstardrops frustration is the order of the day isn’t it? I’m frustrated with Dh; people are frustrated with me, I get frustrated with them …

I am sure I have frustrating characteristics (well, I know I do!) One thing I will say is that right now is probably as hard as it will be. I’ve already decided to reduce my working hours further next year to take some pressure off and DS will be at school which means my days off will only be with one child (and as lovely as my DS is, he’s quite full on - DD is a bit more chilled out.)

To a large extent this year is about survival - sleep is poor (mine and hers) work is hard, days off are hard, weekends are hard. Lovely lovely moments - this morning we’ve been pumpkin picking (well, pumpkin collecting really!) and I know I’ll look back nostalgically but equally sometimes I can’t wait for them both to be teens - lie ins and leaving the house without bags and bags and independence. But that’s no walk in the park either I am sure!

You posted while I was typing @towardstheocean. If he still doesn't get it after talking to him then you need to stop him by saying, 'No, you don't need to disappear into the garden at mealtimes/bathtimes/bedtimes. You need to be present. You can do xyz job at xyz time. I'm frazzled and you're being grossly unfair'
Like I said before, if he still carries on in his own selfish little bubble then you have big problems in your marriage.

To a large extent this year is about survival - sleep is poor (mine and hers) work is hard, days off are hard, weekends are hard.

The early years are 100% hard but you should have the support of your husband and you don't!
Why isn't he getting up at night as well? Why isn't he pulling his weight at the weekends as well?
Does he ever let you have a lie in at the weekend, or take the kids to the park while you do whatever you fancy?
You shouldn't have to reduce your part time hours, your husband should be stepping up!!!
I wouldn't give a shiny shit if it leads to an argument because all the time you back down and roll over, he's going to let you!
Jeez, I want to come and give him a shake for you!!!

Op, you are getting a hard time and I am sorry for that. The problem is thatbit 100% is your dh's fault BUT nothing will change if you don't force it.

My dh was a SAHD but believe it or not, we still had similar arguments sometimes. It was mind blowing to me that if I wasn't there he would 100% take on care of dc but the moment I was present it was like he just defaulted to "oh, someone else is in charge". We had a LOT of arguments over it but the key point is that my dh understood my point. He still defaulted often to the basic premise that I was there so he didn't have to be but over time that did change because he did work at it. As I type, he is downstairs making a late breakfast for me and dd because we are having a lie in and he realises people are hungry!

Re thebexercise class - that actually is a huge one. Travelling for work, sure, fair enough. But day to day? Not. When dh was SAHd I was working in the city, big job, big pay etc. On Tuesdays he went to a running club. Me being home in time was a given unless there was a genuine crisis. I did not accept meeting requests that would likely run over the latest I could leave to make it home, those days, I made it clear to my team I had to leave dead on time etc etc. It is completely doable, even in so-called "BIG jobs". Look.around, many men in those jobs leave promptly on Wednesdays for their football club or at a set time for theatre tickets or whatever. He is Choosing not to and you have every right to be absolutely furious and should be.

I am also.concerned re you giving up more work to facilitate this. If you are foing that, make sure you have complete and total.access to all finances.

It’s not your fault, no one is blaming you, it’s his fault he is crap.

The only thing you can do is take responsibility for your own boundaries.

Have you heard of codependency?

Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. By being caring, highly functional, and helpful, that person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/codependency?amp

I suffered from it most of my life until I had psychotherapy and learned life changing boundaries

Your posts sound sensible and pragmatic.

That said, at the end of the day, you are with someone who does not prioritise yours and your children’s’ well-being. He leaves you feeling tired, anxious, frustrated, busy and so on, and doesn’t care about that at all!! Your bitterness will grow and ebb and flow and your children will know Dad’s lazy.

When you’re elderly, will you look back in pride and contentment at the family life, you, he and the children had?

Of course this is your husbands fault.
What i hate is this excuse that he may not get how much the mother does.

Men 100% know how absolutely relentless it is.
They clock that very very quickly and absent themselves as much as possible.
Jobs in the shed, garden, getting critical stuff from B&Q, you name it.
ANYTHING to get out of doing their share.
Total selfish losers, every single one of them.

I think they are blaming you because you are letting it happen. Also because if u let it happen your kids will see that this is how their relationships will be. I think that's why people get frustrated. It's more the fact that people see these weak women and want to shout, do something about it. It's not that they are personally berating you.

Don't settle for this OP.

Make some changes, whichever suits you best.

See a counsellor and talk it all over with the counsellor. The counsellor might have some helpful suggestions for you. If not, you can at least vent your anger and frustration.

Talk to your DH (sounds like you're tried this already though). Tell him you're not happy with his constant vanishing acts and he needs to step up more with the DC. You both agreed to have your DC (well, I assume you did) so you both need to step up and parent them. Also, if he's due to finish work at 5, then he finishes at 5 sharp.

Tell your DH you want to see a marriage counsellor. It might shake him out of his complacency. And he might be more likely to listen if there's an independent, third party pointing things out to him. You're heading for a divorce anyway if the situation continues as is. That resentment is just going to build and build until you can't stand the sight of him anymore. And your DC are going to pick up on that resentment, irrespective of whether you stay or you leave.

Draw up a schedule. He's responsible for the DC Monday, Wednesday and Friday nights. You're responsible for them on Tuesday and Thursday nights. Swap over the following week. Or draw up a list of tasks - you will do a, b and c - he will do d, e and f.

Sign up for evening classes or arrange to meet a friend/go shopping on a Saturday. If you're not physically there, then you can't be the default parent.

Why did you cancel your exercise classes? You should have read him the riot act the first time he made you miss your class. Or told him you were dropping the kids off at his office. Then he wouldn't have made that mistake again. Instead you played the martyr and cancelled your class.

I'm sorry if I'm coming across as unsympathetic. I'm not. I have huge sympathy for your situation. Working and parenting small children is really tough and it must be so much harder when your DH isn't doing his fair share.

I’m not remotely co dependent.

I didn’t say I was giving up work and I’m not sure where that came from, either. But I’m not ending a marriage and splitting a family over something stupid albeit annoying like this.

I had one like this. It's deliberate. He doesn't want to do it because its annoying and a slog. The thing that rings alarm bells most is the way he deals with discussions of it. He has learnt if he concentrates on minutiae and makes the conversation impossible you will just give up and he gets his own way. This is abusive. He is not interested in helping you, he's not interested in helping his children he just wants what he wants. He's not interested in solving a problem because its not a problem to him. My DH did this. It wears you down. The resentment will build. Its what happened to me. I used to say DH was a good man now I realise he was a shit husband. That he cared so little for my unhappiness as long as he was ok. Your DH is being a shit husband and you need to tell him now. Don't be the martyr I was for too long. I feel for you - its a crap situation but he needs to know it's serious.

But you'll simmer along with resentment for years, model to your kids that this is an acceptable way to be treated, and then be disappointed when the same happens to them.

No ones said split up now. But if your H doesn't step up, he will only get worse.

Why is all the onus on you to work less?

You don't see your husband's behaviour as abusive?

Calling annoying, irritating behaviour abusive is really undermining what victims of abuse actually suffer - and that is my final word on the matter.

no one has said split up now er you did actually. It’s just on repeat - talk to him / I have / LTB / sit him down / I have / LTB.

@towardstheocean
I’m not remotely co dependent.

Can you answer ‘no’ to all of these?

“Codependency Quiz” questions:

1. Are you persistently frustrated, upset, or angry at your partner’s inability to make changes?
2. Do you believe that your relationship problems would be resolved if only your partner would change?
3. Do you feel like it’s hard for you to be happy, because of things that your partner is doing or not doing?

Does this sound familiar?

‘Jen also “over-functions.” Because she doesn’t trust Scott to not let her down or disappoint her, she constantly reminds him, nags him, or, just does necessary tasks herself…. becoming more resentful with each passing day.’

www.growingself.com/codependency-quiz-codependent-relationship/#codepency-quiz-questions

I think it’s normal to get annoyed at your partner!

Nailed it.
Women like the OP will complain but will not face the reality of their situation.
Their children grow up in this environment and realise that their fathers were utter losers and their poor mothers mugs of the first order.
Because of this modelling they often end up in a similar dynamic whilst realising too late that it was just familiar to them.
Sad.
But you are 100%, they are selfish shit husbands and fathers.
Their refusal to parent their children and gaslight their partners IS abusive, but some women prefer denial than accepting their reality.🤷🏻‍♀️

But that’s not what the questions ask! Did you answer yes to all of them?

Not like this it isn't.

It's normal to have minor things that irritate as a one off.

Yours is long standing twat behaviour from him.

I think you didn't have good role models when growing up, hence accepting this behaviour.

The frustration will build, the resentment will grow, your children are watching and will go out and repeat what they see in their own relationships.

If you need to do a weekly yoga class on a Monday at 6pm and go for dinner with a friend on a Thursday at 6pm, how often is he in Northern Ireland or Poland working to make this an unworkable plan? If you miss one a month, fine, but it's not a reason not to try to carve out some time for yourself.

If you have fears that he is incapable of caring for your children and will not hear them crying because his too absorbed in his mysterious missions round the house, then that's quite a serious concern. If you are truly unable to leave your children in the care of their father for a couple of hours a couple of times a week, for fear of their safety, then that is a problem.

If you're taking the path of least resistance and would rather accept the situation than try and change it and fail and have to deal with that outcome and what that means regarding how he views you, then that's your choice. But I think best to be honest, at least with yourself about what's going on here, so you can make some decisions that work for your. Not live like Dobby the House Elf for another couple of decades.

no!! no it isn't not for them persistently doing the same thing which piles the work onto the other partner. As others have said, you are modelling for your children what marriage is like...man gets away with stuff woman does the slog. Woman is unhappy but feels powerless to change things.

The bottom line - he isn't interested in your happiness. If he was , he would have made a reasonable effort to pull his weight. The message he is sending- I've done you a favour by marrying you and giving you babies. Be grateful and carry on with your load.

Things changed in my household when I started going out on Saturdays and leaving my husband with one, then two, kids. I had to for work, so it wasn't like I did it deliberately, but it was only when he was on his own with them all day that he developed his own routines and skills for dealing with them, and also made the leap to enjoying time with them, feeling proud of doing a great job with them and all that. It was at least 12 months in when this started happening, then we had a second and he worked part time til nursery as I had done with the first.

I would go out on Saturdays, just leave the house to do shopping, then visit a friend, or work that day. He can get the kids up, out and play with them all day, fix the dinner. You do it, you weren't trained, you just learned, he can too.

If you don't leave dads on their own with the kids, then the reluctant ones never step forwards, they start disappearing, staying late at work, not rushing to help, leaving you all the time. A reset will change everything.

Also, what kind of a relationship is he building with your DC? I'm always a little uneasy about these situations where the husband has a Very Important Job and the wife provides most of the practical care and emotional support. Childhood passes by in a flash (even though it can seem interminable at the time) and before you know it, those helpless, dependent children are leaving home and heading to university and forging careers for themselves. What kind of a relationship will your children have with their Dad and will they bother with him as adults? That song 'Cat's in the Cradle' comes to mind.