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Original poster

New 'partner' has herpes

229 replies

FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:25

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

OP posts:
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traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:28

when you say “ very very early days”

how long?

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:29

How did you end the conversation?

Have you actually met him or is this all virtual so far?

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:30

Yes, we've met up a lot in person, gradually getting more flirty each time

@traybake81 weeks, not months!

OP posts:
Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:33

It wasn't a conversation 'end' really.. he said obviously he'd expect I had lots of questions, lots to think about and just to take things one step at a time. No expectation from him, no pressure, no promises from me of any kind. Just literally, we like each other so let's keep talking and if it turns out never to be more than friends, then we're both happy with that.

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 14/10/2024 16:33

Good people can get herpes!

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:34

NotaCoolMum · 14/10/2024 16:33

Good people can get herpes!

absolutely - he is not a bad person to have it, just unfortunate. My concern is more, if and how we can navigate it to build a physical relationship.

OP posts:
chouxchoux · 14/10/2024 16:34

My DSis contracted genital herpes last year from a man she was seeing at the time. The idea that someone might write her off because of it breaks my heart a bit tbh.

category12 · 14/10/2024 16:35

Isn't he only infectious during an outbreak?

As long as he's upfront about if and when he's having symptoms, then as long as you abstain at those times, you should be alright.

I don't like that he's played the blame game about some terrible woman, that makes me suspicious more than sympathetic, tbh. I'd consider that a red flag. (It might be true, but after 20 years it seems a bit unnecessary to throw her under the bus.)

Have you had sexual health checks?

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:36

chouxchoux · 14/10/2024 16:34

My DSis contracted genital herpes last year from a man she was seeing at the time. The idea that someone might write her off because of it breaks my heart a bit tbh.

It's not about writing him off. But sex is a big part of a relationship for me, and I don't know how we safely have a strong sexual connection - I have no experience in this and don't know what, how etc.

OP posts:
Notwhatuwanttohear · 14/10/2024 16:37

No chance I would knowingly take the risk.

But the guy could have not told you and you would be none the wiser.

I suppose it depends how risk averse you are and whether you think that the risk is worth the reward.

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:37

category12 · 14/10/2024 16:35

Isn't he only infectious during an outbreak?

As long as he's upfront about if and when he's having symptoms, then as long as you abstain at those times, you should be alright.

I don't like that he's played the blame game about some terrible woman, that makes me suspicious more than sympathetic, tbh. I'd consider that a red flag. (It might be true, but after 20 years it seems a bit unnecessary to throw her under the bus.)

Have you had sexual health checks?

Yes, I've had regular checks myself.

It wasn't so much blaming her for it, there was a lot more to it than that, but just trying to go for brevity! But in the conversation I was very happy with the way he talked about it, it was very respectful.

OP posts:
Stichintime · 14/10/2024 16:38

I spent my whole adult life avoiding STIs, after the whole HIV campaign in the 80s, so for me it would be a no.

Ponderingwindow · 14/10/2024 16:38

He was open about it early. That is a green flag.

I would delay any physical contact that could transmit until you get serious and at least reach a stage of exclusivity.

Baileysandcream · 14/10/2024 16:39

I would ask him how often he gets outbreaks. If he's had it for 20 years the chances are that outbreaks are probably very rare now. There is medication available to prevent outbreaks too.

It's good that he has been upfront about it. Provided that he keeps being upfront and honest, lets you know if he is having an outbreak and you abstain during that time and use protection (assume you would be doing this anyway) afterwards then I wouldn't worry about.

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:39

any children on either side op?

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:40

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:39

any children on either side op?

No children

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 14/10/2024 16:41

You need to establish if there's enough there to pursue a relationship with first.

Sex wise, hold off a few months and decide if you like him as a person.

Then do the non penetrative stuff. See if he's any good with all that. So you know when he has flair ups, you can still enjoy other things.

Apart from that, always use protection and avoid his flair ups and all should be fine.

But realistically look at the people you've dated, how many of them percentage wise, made it to 6 months in? Or even 3 months? Even when you initially liked them. Maybe that will give clarity on if it's likely to be worth pursuing.

TeeBee · 14/10/2024 16:41

Would you write someone off for having a cold sore? Same virus just in a different location. If he is taking prophylactic antivirals and informs you when he's having an outbreak, the risk to you is very low. You can avoid having sex when he has outbreaks and use barrier methods for protection in between. As he is already being honest with you, I'd see that as a good sign.

I would just be careful for now (physically) and see how you feel about him.

traybake81 · 14/10/2024 16:41

I wouldn’t no

DustyF · 14/10/2024 16:42

If it’s the practicalities that you’re worried about you need more information from him about what he’s actually dealing with. If he has an outbreak once a year or when he’s very run down that obviously will have much less of an impact than if it’s much more often. If he takes antivirals and they work for him then again it’s going to be less of a concern. Maybe you could also ask him if he always recognises the signs before an outbreak occurs. I have coldsores and have either never passed them to my partner or he’s asymptomatic. A friend has genital herpes and has a happy sexual relationship with her partner, with occasional interruptions. But obviously there is a non-zero risk you could catch it and now would be the easiest time for you to end the relationship if you don’t want that risk.

Futhermucker · 14/10/2024 16:42

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Deebee90 · 14/10/2024 16:42

Sorry but I wouldn’t. Same as I wouldn’t date with cold sores.

ZoeLoey · 14/10/2024 16:44

He'll ruin your chances to ever be with anyone again if he passes it on to you. I doubt he's worth that. Run

Megamooch · 14/10/2024 16:44

It’s not a life sentence. He’s been open and up front and if he’s not infectious I think it may be possible to avoid? Agree with PP that said good people still catch things like this

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/10/2024 16:47

The Herpes Viruses Association are the experts on this. I've attached screenshots of their information leaflet. Lots of great info at https://herpes.org.uk/

Most important points for me would be :

  • How often does he get outbreaks? Most people (2 out of 3) who have genital herpes don't know they have it as symptoms are often so mild and some only ever have one outbreak. But someone with regular outbreaks is more likely to shed virus asymptomatically between attacks, so more likely to be infectious. If he rarely has outbreaks then he's unlikely to be infectious.
  • Does he know if his infection is HSV1 (normal cold sore virus) or HSV2? Both types can occur on the genitals. If he has HSV1 on the genitals, and you have ever had cold sores on your mouth, then you will be immune to it anyway.
  • Nobody needs to blame a cheating ex... She could have caught it from her first ever partner, as could he.
  • For most people who have it, it's just not a big deal, doesn't affect them much. But an unlucky few have regular, painful outbreaks.
New 'partner' has herpes
New 'partner' has herpes