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Original poster

New 'partner' has herpes

229 replies

FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 16:25

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Mickey79 · 14/10/2024 17:05

He has been honest about it quite early on, which is good. It probably wouldn’t put me off at this stage of my life. Pre- children it would though.

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 17:07

Mickey79 · 14/10/2024 17:05

He has been honest about it quite early on, which is good. It probably wouldn’t put me off at this stage of my life. Pre- children it would though.

yes - we're definitely not at the age where having children is on the cards 😂

OP posts:
Health47 · 14/10/2024 17:08

TeeBee · 14/10/2024 16:57

Nope, about 25% in the UK, higher in the US. So a lot of people have it; this guy is being honest about it.

Show quote history

70% of brits have HSV

Paganpentacle · 14/10/2024 17:10

yeaitsmeagain · 14/10/2024 16:53

It would put me off, throw him back - there must be plenty of women out there with herpes already who he can go out with.

You do realise someone else infected him?
I'm sure he'd rather not have it but he's been open and honest.
Your attitude is disgusting.

TeeBee · 14/10/2024 17:11

Health47 · 14/10/2024 17:08

70% of brits have HSV

Show quote history

25% have genital herpes. A great deal more have the HSV virus in their blood, I agree.

Health47 · 14/10/2024 17:11

yeaitsmeagain · 14/10/2024 16:53

It would put me off, throw him back - there must be plenty of women out there with herpes already who he can go out with.

What an idiotic comment

WetBandits · 14/10/2024 17:13

Lots of misinformation on this thread!

I’ve seen lots of people saying you can only catch it from him when he’s got an outbreak. This is not the case, and he may shed the virus asymptomatically from time to time, especially if he is stressed or unwell as his immune system will be paying less attention to suppressing HSV at those times. Obviously higher chance of transmission if he has an outbreak, but the risk is still there, albeit small, even when he doesn’t have symptoms.

HOWEVER

It’s a long term skin condition, at the end of the day. Annoying to live with and can be painful during a flare up, but generally causes no issues the rest of the time. Occasional rare complications with outbreaks, but they really are rare.

Somewhere between 70-80% of the population carries one strain of HSV; type 1 is the facial kind and is more common, it can be transmitted to the genitals via oral sex also. Type 2 is the genital kind and less common, and can cause more painful and frequent outbreaks. But the virus and its treatment are the same.

I see and treat people with HSV on a daily basis and I don’t think it would actually put me off dating someone if I liked everything else about them. I’ve never had any facial or genital blisters so I don’t know if I already carry HSV or not, on balance of probabilities I probably do but who knows. I see some people go to bits when I tell them they have HSV, but it really isn’t as big a deal as the stigma makes it out to be.

Raspberryripple11 · 14/10/2024 17:14

He obviously has a lot of experience with dealing with it, and as you’ve said he’s never passed it on before.
I would ask him what sex is likely to look like and how it affects him.
But if you like him as much as you say you do then it’s definitely worth continuing.

Original poster
FairgroundAttractionPerfect · 14/10/2024 17:14

WetBandits · 14/10/2024 17:13

Lots of misinformation on this thread!

I’ve seen lots of people saying you can only catch it from him when he’s got an outbreak. This is not the case, and he may shed the virus asymptomatically from time to time, especially if he is stressed or unwell as his immune system will be paying less attention to suppressing HSV at those times. Obviously higher chance of transmission if he has an outbreak, but the risk is still there, albeit small, even when he doesn’t have symptoms.

HOWEVER

It’s a long term skin condition, at the end of the day. Annoying to live with and can be painful during a flare up, but generally causes no issues the rest of the time. Occasional rare complications with outbreaks, but they really are rare.

Somewhere between 70-80% of the population carries one strain of HSV; type 1 is the facial kind and is more common, it can be transmitted to the genitals via oral sex also. Type 2 is the genital kind and less common, and can cause more painful and frequent outbreaks. But the virus and its treatment are the same.

I see and treat people with HSV on a daily basis and I don’t think it would actually put me off dating someone if I liked everything else about them. I’ve never had any facial or genital blisters so I don’t know if I already carry HSV or not, on balance of probabilities I probably do but who knows. I see some people go to bits when I tell them they have HSV, but it really isn’t as big a deal as the stigma makes it out to be.

thank you for this context

OP posts:
Craspedia · 14/10/2024 17:20

some of the commenters here need to get in the bin!

he sounds great. Im sure if you have any questions he’d be happy to answer them for you.

Comtesse · 14/10/2024 17:24

It’s incredibly common. I don’t think it’s a major issue personally. That he’s raising it suggests he is a good sport and thoughtful.

violetcuriosity · 14/10/2024 17:27

I'm in the same situation as him, I've never given it to anyone else either. It is what it is, you probably already have the herpes virus. Most people pick it up as children- yes there are two different types but most people don't show symptoms if they have it. Honestly it's never been an issue for me, much as I thought it would be when I first got diagnosed. I don't have outbreaks anymore and have had children and a new relationship since having it. It's been a non issue in the grand scheme of my life. However, the flip side is that my first outbreak was really painful and it took me a long time to accept that I had the virus. It's up to you OP, don't write him off, I'd rather be with a good guy and have herpes than a horrible person who doesn't have it (or probably does but doesn't know!)

Neurodiversitydoctor · 14/10/2024 17:32

Deebee90 · 14/10/2024 16:42

Sorry but I wouldn’t. Same as I wouldn’t date with cold sores.

Really ? Isn't it something like 40% of the adult population ?

Skibideetoilet · 14/10/2024 17:34

I get cold sores which is the herpes virus on the face.

One thing so many people don’t realise is that MOST people with herpes (face or genital) DO NOT KNOW they have the virus. I am just unlucky that I experience sores on the face, most people just carry round the virus happily unaware.

A ‘full’ STD nhs screening does not include any test for genital herpes, they only diagnose people who present to them with symptoms (the minority of infected people)

So there’s always a degree of risk and most people can’t confidently say they don’t have the virus or have never been exposed to it.

roses321 · 14/10/2024 17:35

Herpes is a thing - it's pretty common actually.
Anyone who tells you to bin him off is a moron. I'd just have an adult conversation with him about it - you can't get rid of it once you've got it but it's hardly a death sentence and is quite prevelant and easy to protect against.

ThisHangryPinkBalonz · 14/10/2024 17:37

yeaitsmeagain · 14/10/2024 16:53

It would put me off, throw him back - there must be plenty of women out there with herpes already who he can go out with.

Wtf

AmusedMaker · 14/10/2024 17:43

I have the herpes virus but the one that causes cold sores on the mouth. I’ve had it since about the age of 16.
I’ve been married over 35 years and have never passed it on to my dh.
I get an outbreak roughly once every 2 years but I know everyone’s different.

TheCatterall · 14/10/2024 18:01

@FairgroundAttractionPerfect please talk to a GP or professional in this area to make sure any advice you get is upto date and not us second hand armchair docs giving you old wives tales.

People successfully live with this (and worse) and carefully manage sexual relationships.

Whatsthequestion29 · 14/10/2024 18:02

If I were you I would pay for a blood test for HSV as you never know you may have it and then you wouldn't need to worry about catching it again! Standard STI tests don't test for it so lots of people don't realise they have it. Blood tests are less accurate than a swab when you have an outbreak but it's a start.

Also look on here...lots of useful information herpes.org.uk/

FontSnob · 14/10/2024 18:08

DH got herpes from his ex, who got it from her ex. We’ve been together for 11 years and if he gets a flare up he feels it before sees it so we don’t have sex during that time. I have managed to avoid it totally due to his honesty and care. He told me very quickly in the start of out relationship too, which is a good sign of honesty to me.

meeeeeee1234 · 14/10/2024 18:12

TeeBee · 14/10/2024 16:41

Would you write someone off for having a cold sore? Same virus just in a different location. If he is taking prophylactic antivirals and informs you when he's having an outbreak, the risk to you is very low. You can avoid having sex when he has outbreaks and use barrier methods for protection in between. As he is already being honest with you, I'd see that as a good sign.

I would just be careful for now (physically) and see how you feel about him.

Sorry, you're wrong.....a cold sore is not the same virus as genital herpes.

Maddy70 · 14/10/2024 18:15

He can take anti virals that stop it being passed on aciclovir. So no risk.

There is very little risk if he isn't having an outbreak anyway

Or use condoms.

Its really only coldsores and that wouldnt put you off. You just wouldnt kiss him if he had an outbreak. Its the same

Patienceinshortsupply · 14/10/2024 18:15

It's great he's been honest, but the reality is that he could pass this condition on to you and you're then left dealing with it for the rest of your life. I'm not sure I'd knowingly take that risk tbh. I really value my good health and do my utmost to keep it.

Doggymummar · 14/10/2024 18:18

I'm 55 female and contracted genital herpes in my youth. I have had one outbreak which was uncomfortable and would have had to have cesarian births had I chosen to have children. I have told all my sexual partners male and female and noone has ever had issue with it.

You are only contagious during an outbreak, it's really not a big deal. So long as he uses condoms which I would recommend anyway with a new partner there should be no issues. You can talk to someone at the sexuuhealth clinic for reassurance

IDontLikePinaColadas · 14/10/2024 18:27

meeeeeee1234 · 14/10/2024 18:12

Sorry, you're wrong.....a cold sore is not the same virus as genital herpes.

Show quote history

Sorry you’re wrong. There are two different types - HSV-1 which typically affects the mouth and HSV-2 which is typically genitals but you can catch one type via the other area. I got herpes on my genitals from my ex via oral sex whilst he was having a cold sore flare up he wasn’t aware of. Each virus thrives better in its “preferred” area, but it’s essentially the same thing.

www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/stds-hiv-safer-sex/herpes#:~:text=HSV%2D1%20usually%20causes%20oral,lips%20gives%20you%20oral%20sex.