New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

Echoing others sentiment that his honesty is great, he is aware he has it and sounds like he manages it well.

He sounds like an open book so definitely ask him as many questions as you need, it would be good to know how often he has outbreaks. People generally become leas infectious over time as outbreaks are leas frequent.

Just to confirm what some others have said, obviously a person is at their most infectious during an outbreak but can pass it on outside of an active outbreak, look into asymptomatic shedding to give you a more complete picture of the risks.

Others have said they would never knowingly be with someone who has a virus such as this, however, so many people carry the virus, do not show symptoms but can still pass it on. People who are symptomatic just have greater awareness that they have it, every new partner is a roll of the dice unless you specifically get screened for it, it’s not included on sexual health panels in the UK, it’s only diagnosed via swab during an active outbreak.

For posters who say cold sore (HSV1) and genital herpes (HSV2) are not the same, they’re different strains of the same virus, and can affect the face or genitals (among other body parts), with HSV1 primarily affecting the face, and HSV2 affecting the genitals. The prevalence of oral sex hs also increased the incidence of HSV1-genital. It’s a complex picture.

Take your time to think it through, and make a decision when you feel fully informed. So many people are affected by this and have normal healthy relationships.

Some of these replies are so predictable not to mention depressing.

I’ve had herpes since my mid twenties. I was one of the unlucky ones as I used to have an outbreak fairly often. When I met my DH, I told him very early on. I was petrified and so worried he’d think I was disgusting and dump me. Luckily this was not the case, we’ve been together 19 years now. I’ve always been careful with outbrakes and luckily they are now far and between. He has never had an outbreak during our time together.

Funny story is that when I told my now DH that I have something serious to tell him (that I carry the herpes virus), he thought I might dump him. Once he found out he was like “is that it??!!” .

I’ve had two emergency c-sections but not because of the virus but because of both births failing to progress. Doctors were never concerned about the herpes as there was no outbreak in the run up to the labour.

I'm pretty sure 80-90% of the population have the cold sore virus by the age of 40, so you can't really avoid cold sores, most are asymptomatic so don't know they have it

For herpes it's one in ten in the UK. I know a lot of pps equate the two but I think herpes is a bigger deal as it's less common, can affect newborn babies/mean you have to have a C-section, etc etc. it impacts your life a lot more

Provided I wasn't immunosuppressed I'd regard a disclosure of a history of genital herpes as something neutral and it wouldn't put me off having a relationship with the person. There are lots of good informative posts above explaining why the condition shouldn't be feared or stigmatised and isn't a marker for risk-taking sexual behaviour in the past.

Christ finding someone you want to date later in life is hard enough, getting rid of them because they have been honest and upfront about a situation that affects them and can be managed seems a bit OTT. My 13yr old gets cold sores, I dread to think what hostility he is in for.
OP, he's told you and I would hope that he is one of those men where you can ask any question and discuss how you can avoid passing on the virus. If you want to know what sex would look like then ask him.

Be so happy he told you.
Condoms?
or move on, tho next guy might have & not tell u

has the op mentioned her age?

oh sorry yes

Cold sores are herpes!

Risks to baby from genital herpes relates to initial infection and a primary outbreak occurring at the time of giving birth, so is likely a rare event.

In the event a woman who knows they already have herpes experiences an outbreak in the lead up to birth, the baby will protected by maternal antibodies at birth or a c section can be performed if needed.

Mothers who know they have genital herpes can also take a short course of acyclovir in the lead up to the birth to prevent lower any risk even further.

Medics are extremely unfazed by genital herpes in pregnant women, unless it’s the initial outbreak in the weeks leading up to birth.

A bigger risk to babies is neonatal herpes caused by kissing them with an active cold sore infection.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/neonatal-herpes/

Personally I wouldn't risk it. But only as herpes is for life. At least he told you, but to blame a past gf ...he has no idea who gave it to him, really.

Some of the responses here are vile and uneducated.

The way I see it is you could pass up on him and the very next person you sleep with could have it and may not tell you or may not even be aware they have it.

It's far less risky to have sex with someone is upfront about it and managing it. At least they know they have it.

It wouldn't put me off if he's fully managing it but I would also learn absolutely everything about it myself so that I can ensure I'm best protected.

If you still feel uncomfortable after reaching it and talking to him, then it's not the relationship for you and there's nothing wrong with that either.

My sister has it - she had a relationship with a manipulative man very early on and he said to her once after sex that he'd given her herpes so no one else would want her.
She subsequently had a few more relationships, always being up front about it. She's never passed it on to anyone and now has a daughter.

I think that era scared a huge proportion of people -simply as HIV was a killer then.

STI's are on the increase again as people aren't using condoms.

Antibiotic resistance is occurring.

Tertiary syphilis looks terrifying.

I personally wouldn't sleep with anyone who has herpes. Because I value myself and would never forgive myself.for.putting another man's feelings, over my health. My friend dated a man.with hiv. They were in love and used condoms. After a few years the condom split, and he ended up with hiv. They are no longer together, and he regularly becomes hospitalised because of it. He regrets risking his health, for a few years of love. My sister has herpes, the flare ups are extremely painful. She unknowingly caught them. She said she would never have risked it, if she was aware of them.

Well, her new partner caught it 20yrs ago from an ex girlfriend so I'm assuming there not in there early 20s.

that's unlucky.
A friend said one can now get post exposure prophylaxis should a condom break with someone who may be at risk of catching HIV.

I developed shingles after having chicken pox, and my goodness, the pain - I actually felt desperate one night as it was like my leg was on fire with a flame thrower, and a deep gnawing ache.

Shingles are not genital herpes, {different virus} but shingles are also for life- the virus hides on the nerve roots.

I'd not want to risk genital herpes. The thought of that pain on one's tender parts would be grim.

I was once seeing a guy that had caught herpes some years before. He was upfront right from the start and managed it very well. He's now married with 2 kids so I wouldn't let it put you off, or hold you back. You do need to be able completely trust him though

It wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. Loads of people have got it, most don’t realise it.

yes. Babies at risk are those whose mothers catch genital herpes for the FIRST time in the last trimester of pregnancy- that is why it’s such a rare occurrence. The other babies at risk are those who receive no antibody protection in the womb (because their mother is part of the minority of people who have never contracted herpes/cold sores) and are then kissed by another relative with an active sore whilst they are still tiny.

Just catching up on all the responses!
Thank you for the (mainly) balanced and thoughtful replies. As I said, I was completely naive in this area and I've learnt a lot. I need to carry on talking to him, and doing my research. I won't be rushing into anything, and I'm confident in him being patient, no pressure etc.

To answer some questions...

• We're late 40s/early 50
• No children past, present or future
• There are very specific reasons he knows exactly where it came from, and I believe him. This is not a red flag.

In general STI checks they don't check for herpes unless you have symptoms so you may have already been exposed. It can lie dormant for years and years. However if he's taking antivirals and you use condoms etc the chance of passing it on are very low. At least you're aware and can take precautions. It shows he's a good guy to tell you up front, it must have been difficult.

So, do you think anyone who sleeps with your sister doesn't value themselves?

He's had it a long time so it's likely its less severe now and he should be experienced in knowing the early signs of an outbreak.
I'd start with asking him how far apart his outbreaks occur, and when he last had one. Sometimes it can be months or years apart as time passes. That leaves a whole lot of in-between time where you won't be at risk whatever you do. Sex can be the same as ever then, you don't have to adapt to anything.
I'd only take the risk though if you thought that this relationship could really go somewhere, so really get to know each other first. It can actually be a good thing to have something make you take your time.

Some really ill informed comments oh here.

I have genital herpes, unfortunately someone didn't tell him they were having a breakout and I caught it.

That was in 2009. I've since had two long relationships, several short ones. Each time I was open and honest and not one person has ever finished things due to my STI. Plus of those partners not one ever caught it.

People here are so incredibly small minded. It's not a death sentence 🙄. It's easily managed, meaning refrain from having sex whilst he is at the start of an active breakout. Trust me he will know when that happens.

I've had about 7 breakouts since my first one.

The fact he has disclosed this shows what a decent guy he is! His integrity says a lot about him as a person.

I think you should give him a chance because decent men are in short supply these days.

Thank you, and I hope I haven't offended with my questions. I don't believe it's a death sentence, and I've been pointed in the direction of useful, credible information so that I can educate myself.

Thanks for giving your take