New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

Oh fuck off. Plenty of people have herpes and go on to have normal relationships. Jesus. Talk about scaremongering

You're best talking to him about it. Only he can tell you how often he has outbreaks. It isn't an issue if he's not having outbreaks.

The misinformation on this thread is shocking. Plenty of people who HSV have healthy loving sex lives.

You can only catch herpes from him if you have sex whilst he is having an outbreak, So firstly ask him how often that happens and whether he is on prophylactic Acivlovir. My ex had herpes and, other than the initial outbreak, he had no symptoms for 20 years. We had unprotected sex and I never caught it.

What absolute rubbish

One of my exes had herpes. We'd known each other for a while before we dated, and he told me (in a non-heated moment) when it became clear we were heading towards sex in the next few dates. We always used condoms and avoided any contact when he was having an outbreak and I didn't catch it. I always used to worry about STIs, but it wasn't a big deal because he was honest/upfront and we took care.
There is also medication people can take to suppress outbreaks.

The way you say you don't mind how it came about. Like how else would it have, other than through sex with someone who has it.

It doesn't mean he's promiscuous or 'dirty'. It's actually really common. You just need to avoid sex during an outbreak. Some people get worse symptoms than others. But it's good he was honest about it.

Any STD could happen to someone having one sexual encounter.

I would make sure I didn't have unprotected sex and would not want to go there when there was an outbreak. But he's had it for years so must know his symptoms and wouldn't deliberately put you at risk.

But lots of people have this virus in their bodies. It's just mostly through cold sores but it's just a different strain of the same thing.

Obviously don't feel like you should continue if you don't want to. But you have the information now so he wasn't trying to be dishonest.

Sounds like he's very good at communicating and is honest. Presumably he knows when he's having an outbreak and can let you know, therefore preventing you from catching it. It wouldn't put me off.

It would put me off, throw him back - there must be plenty of women out there with herpes already who he can go out with.

Isn't it about 10% of the population that has herpes? Pretty sure they're not all untouchable and ruined.

Thank you everyone... there has been some really informative stuff here, and this is exactly why I posted - I have no true awareness of how much this is a problem and I don't want to just go with the knee-jerk reaction of running because it's different.

@DivorcedAndDelighted thank you for this information and link, some really helpful information here.

Re: his ex-girlfriend and the 'source/circumstances'... as I said, he gave me a lot more information about this that I'd rather not share here, and it was really not about throwing blame. It's not a red flag for me.

I wouldn't have sex with him for much longer than you usually would. Basically wait until you are reasonably sure this could be a successful long-term relationship (whenever that is for you, even if it's a year) and only then take the risk. If he's worth it, he'll wait.

I get that it's hard for you to wait too, but in your shoes I wouldn't risk it unless I was pretty damn certain he was a keeper. Otherwise you could go your separate ways early on, with a small chance that you'll also need to tell everyone you meet in future that you have herpes too.

Basically I'd risk it for a top quality man who would be my husband. But not a boyfriend.

I've been with my husband for ten years and in that time he has only had one outbreak. It's no big deal.

Nope, about 25% in the UK, higher in the US. So a lot of people have it; this guy is being honest about it.

Well I never had a cold sore until I met my wife who gets them, now I do to - the herpes virus is incredibly successful because it transmits easily and doesn't sicken its host apart from a temporary lesion, so the host continues to spread it.

It's a viral parasite, a rather successful example of nature in action! bloody irritating though!

😂😂

@BobbyBiscuits "It doesn't mean he's promiscuous or 'dirty'.

I agree!

I agree with this. You sound like you are talking about aids in about 1985!!!!

yeah, let's hide them all away on an island 🙄 thanks for the comment, but not helpful

Good on him for telling you, plenty of people know and say absolutely nothing.
Lots of people are also carrying this without major symptoms and don’t know. People can be carriers for years without knowing.
You could also meet someone who is a liar tomorrow, ticks all of the right boxes, and passes on something and then blames you - that happens a lot.
It is far more common than you can imagine and I feel for this man because I am sure he may have been rejected before.
You could turn him away. He could be a lovely guy and then meet someone who is an abuser. It’s like a lottery out there in terms of meeting someone decent.
I was involved in health education with young people and attitudes back in the day were awful - there was so much shame involved.
Educate yourself more and spend more time together before you make a choice. But if you decide not to take it further that’s your right it’s your body, health and future.

Absolutely not. It's not worth risking your health. If you did contract it it would jespoardise all of your future intimate relationships. It may not be his fault but equally it could change your life dramatically.

People on that tattoo thread were saying they found tattoos so unattractive that they could never date somebody with one. A tattoo you can't catch, can't ruin your life, can generally be removed if you really want. People don't date others because they are under a certain height, in a lower income bracket, are not their type and a million of other extremely trivial reasons. This is not trivial. Be fussy. There's a ton of men out there who won't possibly leave you with life long diseases.

talking about aids in the 80s was very different - victim blaming at it's very best. I am questioning, and looking to know more before I get into a physical reaction with someone.

@FairgroundAttractionPerfect Thank you.
yeah, sorry, I didn't mean you thought that. But some people do make those assumptions. I've a couple of friends who told me they have it. Very normal, respectable seeming folks. It can happen to anyone. Obviously bad luck or a partner not being truthful is usually how people get it.

Wow. Who left the gates open at the cunt farm?

@Futhermucker how weird for you to say that?
And yes, loads of people have HPV.
But you just sound rude!