New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

It can be. Although genital herpes is more often HSV2 and cold sores are more often HSV1, that is not always the case. At the end of the day, both can be transmitted via intimate contact. There is no need for one type to be any more shameful than the other.

I think 🤔 d ask how often he gets a flare up. My DH has the cold sore virus. He only gets maybe one a year and he always knows it's coming because he said it tingles and it's usually when we get the first cold weather of Winter. I've been married to him for 19 years and I've never caught it because when he feels the to gle he puts cream on it straight away and doesn't kiss me.

I have herpes, I contracted it off an Ex.
We had full STI screening before having sex without condoms but I wasn’t aware of herpes or that it wasn’t screened for so imagine my surprise when blisters popped up down there.
Im now taking preventative aciclovir to prevent attacks as I had a few in the first year.
Tbh, if I was herpes free and was given the heads up by a potential partner I’m not sure I’d take the chance unless it was a love of my life situation. It’s a very good that he’s been honest.

That’s absolutely horrible. That’s how lepers used to be treated - during times when humans were supposedly less humane.

I’d see it goes OP. He sounds like a nice guy so far.

I ended up down a bit of a wormhole then looking at figures. 12.5% have genital and 80% oral according to the stuff I found on google 😮…… now off I go to delete my history 😂

My DP is in his 60s. He caught herpes in his 20s and managed not to pass it on during several other relationships including two marriages by being careful. He has very few outbreaks these days.

Don’t write this guy off!

How do you know?

As a single woman looking to date I read this thread with interest, like you OP I'm not very knowledgeable about herpes and whilst I've been somewhat educated, I've also been saddened by a few of the responses you've had.
Regardless of how he caught it (which he's clearly explained to you in a respectful way and you are happy with his explanation) it's not like he asked for it and I would give him points for being honest, especially if he's been dealing with it for 20 years and has likely had the unfortunate experience of telling some of his potential partners that think like some on this thread and has been shamed for it.
I hope the advice given by PP has helped and I echo those that say talk to him about it as whilst you now have a clearer idea about the condition generally, he will be the expert on how it effects him personally and how he has found it best to navigate it with previous partners.
This wouldn't be a LTB situation for me based on this alone and I hope if he is who he has shown you he is so far that you have a lot of fun and love in your future with him.
Thank you for braving MN to ask the question, you've helped educate me for future potential relationships 😌

I love this answer. So balanced. My cheating exH gave it to me in my early 20's. I am many decades older now and only had a very occasional outbreak. It gives kind of fluey feelings to begin with and as soon as I felt those, I would take paracetamol and apply Acyclovir - a cheap med available from any chemist and I would be fine. I've had two children since then and both were fine. I'm aware that if you give birth during an outbreak it can affect the baby, and in that case a caesarean would take place. I've probably only had about 4 outbreaks in 30 odd years.

My auntie got hep B through plasmopheresis in her early forties. It didn't stop her from getting married a couple of years later. Her husband and the whole family knows. It's a long term commitment for them.

Bollocks. I got it 35 years ago from a bastard of an ex.

Married for 25 years to a great guy who didn't write me off because of something that really wasn't my fault.

The longer you have it the rarer the flares.

A third of genital herpes cases in the UK are caused by type 1 herpes transmitted via oral sex from someone with a cold sore

I'm another one in your chap's position. I don't know how many years I have had it but I was told by the specialist that I saw during an outbreak that it was not my first.

He is informed and open with you, which means he is responsible and respectful.
I was with my ex who never caught it from me during our 13 years together. My current partner of 6+ years has also never caught it.
It's a very manageable condition for most of us and has little impact on our day to day life. If I do have a flare, I'm just a bit tired and rundown, obviously we abstain from sex during that period.

Remember that the disgusting history is that the stigma around herpes was created by a pharmaceutical company's desire for a marketing tool for their treatment.

That's about 50% of the population I think, but fair enough. Your body.

Which makes me wonder - is that type of herpes less severe than the other type?

Women aren't horrible for choosing not to expose themselves to gential herpes ffs!

It's people like you that are responsible for ensuring that women don't feel confident in asserting themselves, don't be confident in saying NO, lest they be demonised for being 'horrible'.

Women have the right to decline a man whatever the reason, no matter how unpalatable is it. It doesn't have to be acceptable to society, because it's THEIR body.

I have had a number of health issues to contend with for the last few years. They've made my life harder and more stressful, just having to deal with all of them. I'd think very hard about exposing myself to another one. And that's apart from having to be in the position to have to tell other people about it as well when I would go on to have sex with someone else.

It's not a problem. After the first outbreak, really nothing happens again. Maybe just a little itch occasionally, that's all.

I have it and did the same thing with my partner....I told him upfront. Because I'm sexually active, I take antivirals to prevent flare ups. My partner has never contracted it from me and we've been together 5 years. He is the love of my life and we'd be lost without each other so it's devastating to think that the virus could have prevented our happiness

After 20 years post initial infection the risk is vastly reduced. Asymptomatic shedding can occur but reduces with time and most often in the few days before and after an outbreak. After this long he’ll be very aware of the prodromal symptoms preceding an outbreak and you should be able to avoid sexual contact in time.

It’s a massive green flag that he’s told you! Poor guy. It depends on how you feel about him but only you’ll know if it’s worth it and right for you. Nobody else can preach or be sanctimonious, it’s your life.

Just FYI @Doggymummar , nowadays you'd only be advised to have a c-section if your first episode of genital herpes was in the 6 weeks before labour.
https://www.rcog.org.uk/for-the-public/browse-our-patient-information/genital-herpes-in-pregnancy/

There's ways and ways of talking about this 'though. There was a poster recently who had recently got herpes and was really upset, felt like no-one would want her. I think it's horrible that that fear would be supported by some of the things posters have said on this thread.

Of course people have the right to make choices about what risks they want to take with their sexual health, but there's no call for language like being ruined or thrown away over it.

Not necessarily. Generally they say that type 1 prefers to infect orally and will therefore cause less frequent/severe outbreaks. But at the same time, 80-90% of people with type 2 don’t even notice their symptoms and go undiagnosed, whilst plenty of people with type 1 report to clinics with painful outbreaks. So it does vary from individual to individual.

I wouldn't bat an eye lid, do you realise how many people have herpes and don't even know. You couldn't even really say who you contracted it from as it can lay dormant for years before an outbreak. He's been upfront about it so I would definitely give him a chance. Herpes isn't a death sentence and the stigma around it needs to change.

It really is. They are two strains of the same virus. The one people with cold sores most often have is HS1 Herpes Simplex 1 and most genital herpes is HS2 - Herpes Simplex 2. BUT you can actually get either strain in either location. Because oral sex has become a normal part of many people’s sex lives more people are now getting genital herpes sores from HS1 than in the past.
There are many other Herpes viruses - Chicken pox/Shingles is Human Herpes virus 3 for example.