New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

I suggest you do a lot more research @FairgroundAttractionPerfect as you sound terriby ill-informed. I don't have HSV as far as I know (but I could have) and so could you without even knowing it. Not everyone has symptoms that carry the virus. Which btw, is the same virus as the cold sore virus (HSV 1) just in a different place, so it's HSV2. So, would you not date someone who had a cold sore?

@DivorcedandDelighted has posted some excellent information from a useful website. I suggest you look into it.

The whole purpose of this thread was because I was very ill-informed and wanted to educate myself. If you read the thread you'll see I've acknowledged a lot of the very useful and helpful links that people have shared and I am continuing to learn, understand and consider everything I need to consider. But thank you.

Ooooh, someone can’t take criticism 🤣 not a good trait. What on earth happened to you to make you so nasty and narrow minded, I wonder? I suppose it’s not your fault really! I suppose it’s a bit like catching herpes is nobody’s fault either 🤣 if we were all like you, we might hope you catch it yourself 😉

In what world is that criticism?! I think you need to go back to school, because that poster had told me to fuck off!!! You seem to think that it's okay for someone to tell me to fuck off, but not to retaliate in any way??! Pot calling the kettle black!!! You cannot make everyone have the same opinion, whether you like it or not!!!

That poster told you to fuck off because you said you were glad someone else got herpes after they criticised your character. Should I reword it to say you can’t take criticism or negativity towards you in general? You’re very angry because someone said you were horrible on the Internet 🤣 I don’t think it’s me that needs to go back to school, it’s you that needs to work on yourself. You’re coming across a nasty human being and it’s a bit childlike to be honest

@Beautiful3 I am a bit fat to be honest 😂 wouldn't say ugly but beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I might be. No idea what a fake rainbow is.
You said you do stuff for her, she's disabled? You also said anyone who slept with her had no regard for themselves 😂 like she is a walking parasite
You're just a generally a horrible person. And as is life, the tragedies of life strike the wrong people. Nice people like your sister. And here you are ... in all your ugliness.

I’m delusional am I? 🤣 honestly, you sound unhinged, so much so that I’m going to stop engaging with you now. You really need to work on yourself and find out why you are reacting so badly to being (rightly) criticised for saying someone deserves a disease just because someone says you were nasty about your sister (which you were) it’s not a normal reaction. And someone who is as happy as you claim does not react like you to being criticised, nor do they speak about others in the way you do, or wish ill on others.

The fact you were laughing when you said you were glad someone had herpes makes it worse (not that we were supposed to know you were laughing behind a screen). It’s you with the issue here, nobody else.

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This is helpful info OP. I should imagine at this age he will be very well versed in how often he has attacks and how long for.
If he’s a decent fella give him a chance…

A significant proportion of the population actually have herpes....this is a really useful website and will put it into perspective how common it is to have herpes (as cold sores are so common!):
https://herpes.org.uk/

I don't think you should write someone off simply because they have herpes - it's important to have a really safe space in any possible future relationship where he can communicate about any flare ups or suspected flare ups. & When they happen - just get creative with your intimacy!!!

I think this link would also be useful to see how/why people are scared or concerned about herpes.

https://www.salon.com/2019/02/12/how-big-pharma-helped-create-the-herpes-stigma-to-sell-drugs/

Big pharma created a hysteria to push their drug sales. Sadly, the stigma has remained because of this, judging by some of the comments on this thread.

I suggest you educate yourself a bit more before criticising someone else. HSV1 and HSV2 are not the same virus. They are both members of the Herpesviridae family which also includes the Varicella-zoster virus (VZV) and the Epstein–Barr virus (EBV). The location is not what determines what virus it is.

Yes that’s true. HSV-1 and 2 are extremely similar and cause the same symptoms but it’s not the location that determines which is which. Oral herpes is nearly always HSV-1 (occasionally type 2), genital herpes can be either type.

Yep. And you can't know which it is without being tested.

I was generalising, dear. They may be genetically different from a scientific perspective, but they are both known as the Herpes Simplex Virus, and act in the exactly the same way as each other, hence you can get HSV 1 on your genitals, which is becoming more common now due to oral sex practices. You can also take the same medications for both. So, my question is valid to the OP. Would she not date someone if he/she had a cold sore? Probably yes, she would do and not even give it a second thought, as it's only a 'cold sore'.

The irony is, most people on here who say "don't go near him" probably have some form of herpes themselves (both strains in some cases). You probably have herpes, I probably have herpes, the OP probably has herpes, and the majority of this thread has either type of herpes. It's laughable when you come to think about how common it is.

You weren't generalising, dear. You were incorrect. They may act the same, but they are not the same virus. Genital herpes will have a bigger impact on your life than oral herpes regardless of which strain it is. Don't belittle someone for being concerned about entering into a relationship where contracting it is a known possibility.

You are talking absolute bollocks now and you sound just as ill-informed as the OP did at the start of this thread. If you go to any STI clinic, or to a doctor, they are going to generalise and simply tell you that you have the herpes simplex virus and it's on your genitals, and the other version is on your face/lips. That's how they will break it down to you. If they weren't practically the same thing, you wouldn't be able to transmit HSV1 to your genitals would you?! They wouldn't be both classed as HSV and both medications wouldn't work for both strains.

"Genital herpes will have a bigger impact on your life than oral herpes regardless of which strain it is".

The only minor and rare concern would be if a mother had her first outbreak during the later stages of her pregnancy, but even then she could take medication to avoid the very unlikely event of a C-Section.

So, apart from the stigma (which you clearly have a lot of!) how exactly does it have a bigger impact on your life?! I'm pretty sure there are a lot of posters here who have commented that their partners, whom they went on to marry and have children with, were absolutely fine with it. In fact, when a former partner told me about it years ago, I did a lot of research, and not one person who I asked or met, had any issue when it came to dating anyone who had it.

If the OP decides she doesn't want to date this man for fear of catching it (which she might have it herself, a Western-blot is the gold standard if she wants to check, but expensive) then that's her prerogative. I am not criticising anyone. But if i see people are here chatting absolute nonsense then I'm going to call it out.

https://herpes.org.uk/
https://www.salon.com/2019/02/12/how-big-pharma-helped-create-the-herpes-stigma-to-sell-drugs/

You're welcome.

Pretty much exactly what I say when I diagnose people with genital herpes! People hear the word and get so upset, then when you reframe it as ‘a coldsore’, nine out of ten times the penny drops and the relief you see wash over them is incredible. Herpes gets an absolute bonkers stigma, it’s just ridiculous! I’ve actually had someone say to me “I’d rather have HIV than herpes”.

Of course, any immune suppressed person should be MUCH more cautious. I wouldn’t knowingly enter a relationship with someone with herpes if I was immune suppressed.

I don't know which stigma you think I "have". I have seen it all. I have no issues at all with any of it. It wouldn't stop me from dating anyone.

What I am calling out is your incorrect information. HSV1 and HSV2 are not the same virus. Fact. You can not know which virus it is by its location. Fact. It is fine for people to have concerns about contracting herpes of any strain on any part of their body. Fact.

You can not know which virus it is by its location. Fact.

Wrong. You are chatting utter bollocks again. You can know which strain you carry via a swab. I don't know if the UK swab tells you the strain, but a Western-blot will be able to tell you. I know in the US, they can identify which strain you carry with a PCR-swab very easily (whether it's HSV1 or HSV2).

It is fine for people to have concerns about contracting herpes of any strain on any part of their body. Fact.

And when did I say it wasn't? It seems you have the most concerns surrounding HSV than anyone i've actually spoken to considering you mention you have "seen it all".

"Genital herpes will have a bigger impact on your life than oral herpes regardless of which strain it is".

What is your rationale for thinking this?

Jesus. You're hard work.

You can not know which virus it is by its location. Fact.
YOU said in the original post that I responded to that it "is the same virus as the cold sore virus (HSV 1) just in a different place, so it's HSV2". Fact is you can't know that without a test. Just because it's in the genitals doesn't mean it HSV2. You can not know which virus it is by its location.

It seems you have the most concerns surrounding HSV than anyone i've actually spoken to considering you mention you have "seen it all".
Yes. I'm a nurse. There's not much I haven't seen. I'm not a bit concerned about herpes. What I am concerned about is you lying by calling it "generalising" to make a point. You can't tell someone they sound "terribly ill-informed" and then follow it up with an incorrect statement.

"Genital herpes will have a bigger impact on your life than oral herpes regardless of which strain it is".
What is your rationale for thinking this?

1 - It's in the genitals for a start. Sores in the genitals are likely to be more painful and uncomfortable than a cold sore on your mouth.
2 - It affects your sex life. You can't/shouldn't have PIV sex with an uninfected partner while you have an outbreak.
3 - Sores in your genitals increases your risk of catching other STIs because it creates an entry point.

Oral herpes - Keep your mouth away from people. Simple.