New 'partner' has herpes

[FairgroundAttractionPerfect]

I've just started (as in v v early days) seeing and chatting to a really great guy and it's already been getting a little steamy and flirty. Then at the weekend he said he wanted to be really honest and upfront before we continue down that road... an ex-girlfriend 20+ years ago cheated on him and left him with herpes. He's lived with it ever since and has had relationships, and has never passed anything on. Now... I have no reason to believe or not believe how it came about, and the effect it's had on his relationships since... and I'm happy and grateful he has told me so early on. He's been brilliant at giving me space, and time to think if I want to walk / run away, or if we want to tentatively move forward and see how things develop.

I don't know what to think tbh. The immediate thought is no - stay well clear. But so far he is such a nice guy- we get on so well, we're very similar, it's easy, make each other laugh, can be ourselves... literally all the boxes are being ticked. But I bloody fancy him like mad, I have a very high sex drive and I literally don't know what sex would look like.

I've done a google and found what the more medical websites say, but wondered if anyone had any real life experience or thoughts they'd share... how have you navigated it safely... can it be done? Or is the risk just too high?

(btw - use of 'partner' in the title because obviously he cannot be considered a partner in the truest sense yet as we've only just started seeing each other - 'potential love interest' seemed too wordy for a title 😂)

Honestly I've dreaded every time I've had to bring this up early on in a potentially budding relationship. It's such a hard and embarrassing thing to admit as there's so much stigma surrounding herpes.

Studies suggest 25% of the population have herpes but often many show no physical symptoms, it just lies dormant in the body.

Not at all offended by your comments. Just educate yourself as much as you can on the virus.

My daughter was born via elective C Section as I unfortunately had a break out at 40 weeks (not my first breakout may I add). All smooth sailing and no danger to the baby. The consultant said I could still have a natural birth due to the fact i already had it 4 years prior to having a baby, so the transmission rate was incredibly low that could make her poorly from it. However they offered me a C section and I jumped at the chance, too posh to push 😂

Well honest answer I got herpes after being married for 10+ years. It can lay dormant in your system. So you could have it and not even know. Green flag that he’s been honest. Use protection and go from there.

The worst thing about HSV is the stigma, as demonstrated in this thread here. In terms of outbreaks, the first and second are the worst. Then it's a bit of soreness for a few days. PP who describe it as a skin condition are correct.

I would say mosquito bites and mouth ulcers are more annoying and long lasting. Many people never have more than one outbreak. Lots of people just get one or two outbreaks a year.

That aside, there is a risk: If you have sex with this guy, have an outbreak, and are diagnosed with herpes you will have to live with the stigma yourself. If you subsequently break up you will need to tell future partners. You need to consider whether you want to do this.

Or you could have sex with someone who isn't open about their history, or doesn't even know they have it, and still get herpes. Heck, that's probably how most people get herpes - as you can (also) see in this thread, most people try to avoid contracting herpes by not having sex with people they know have herpes. Life can be funny like that.

Why would you of had to have a cesarian?

Yes absolutely. I love my sister but anyone who knowingly puts themselves at risk, to sleep with her aren't valuing themselves much.

or…. they value your sister too much (or at least the prospect of having sex with her!) to allow this to stop them?

I personally wouldn’t sleep with anyone with herpes BUT bugger all to do with valuing myself too much to do so. All to do with feeling a little…. well, ick, about it.

She's had quite a few relationships since her herpes, but they didn't last long. I honestly don't see the point in catching herpes especially when these relationships have come and gone. They were all short lived. We all experience that "love" but not often does it turn out to be a long term thing. For me personally it's not worth the risk of knowingly catching it, for a relationship that may last only a year. To live with herpes long term is not a nice thing.

most people start relationships quite positive about their longevity!

Wow. It takes a lot to shock me on here but you win the prize.

@Chonk I agree. Poor girl. I would be mortified if my sister said something like this about me.

They aren’t wrong. They are basically interchangeable. My ex had cold sore virus on genitals. Therefore had genital herpes with hsv 1

I mean that’s a bit much!

Absolutely not at all, essentially saying people who sleep with your sister have no self respect because of a medical condition she can’t help? What a disgusting thing to say.

No. She's basically saying her sister shouldn't have sex and that any who does have sex with her doesn't respect themselves, that is a vile thing to say.

1000 time no. Get out now.

And plenty of men who don't know they have it and aren't taking all the precautions he is. What a waste to "throw him back" when he's a lovely guy!

Yes to this, though it depends what type he has. If you already have the same type as him you won't be able to "catch it," if you have the different strain, it still gives you some protection.

yes what a a disgusting thing “to say”

but calling her a “vile human being”

bit much 🤷

Admire his honesty and feel sorry for him. A friend of mine has carried herpes for 30 years, it can be safe for partners, but that initial conversation must be so hard. I don't think anyone deserves to be stigmatised for this, it's pure bad luck.

No, I wouldn't class myself as a, "vile human being". I have an opinion which is shared by my sister by the way. She herself said she would never have slept with a partner, if she had known about the herpes. She is not a "vile human being". Herpes affected her last birth plan, and her recovery was terrible. Perhaps you have herpes, and you're sad that some people wouldn't want to risk it. We can all have different opinions, that's just life.

Would you think saying someone is a “vile human being” is worse than saying anyone who sleeps with your dear family member has no self respect? One of them is superficially insulting from a stranger and the other is a deep, hurtful insult which could cause a variety of self esteem issues and emotional baggage from a loved one.

Strange how you called out my comment as opposed to the actual comment

Would you think saying someone is a “vile human being” is worse than saying anyone who sleeps with your dear family member has no self respect?

well yes actually, I would

i did comment re the comment

At least 80% of all adults carry hsv-1, the cold sore virus, so it’s extremely likely you’ve already dated a carrier and may well carry it and be infectious yourself without even realising it. You’re severely restricting your dating life as the only way you can guarantee never catching herpes is to never kiss another person. How do you think it passes so easily? People can be infectious without visible sores.