Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Found you!!

Thanks as always @Daftasabroom
Hopefully everyone will find us again.

I missed the cut off to add a link into the previous thread. If someone could edit one of their posts on the old thread, that would be fab. It might be restricted now it's closed however.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy,
From our previous thread.

Yep dh has always been at the periphery. Tbh the only reason he has some sort of relationship with the dcs is because I pushed him years ago to start a new hobby with the dcs. I thought all 3 of them would enjoy it.
And they did. So they’ve spend years doing that hobby together every weekend (and me on the side lines at home wondering when I’d have time with my own dcs….). But, at least, they have some communication. I don’t know how it would have been wo that.

I’m not sure you could @Daftasabroom .
The window during which you can modify your post is quite small.

I hate to ask this but could you confuse Cluster B personalities with some ND behaviours. Is there any defining ways to tell them apart? I don’t mean to sound rude, I am ND myself. I have someone in my life who I’m unsure if they are ND or have a personality disorder.

Thanks @Daftasabroom, you’re a star 🌟

@Rainbow03 i know that some autistic people have been mistakenly diagnosed as BPD (a friend of mine has). And it’s not unusual for autistic people to end up in a MH hospital because of (strong) meltdowns.

I think it can be quite hard to separate some MH disorders from autism. Or rather that some professionals struggle with it.

So I suppose once in adulthood it becomes challenging. I can see there is a difference because my child is ND and that’s been there since I can remember as she’s always been the way she is since she could talk really. I don’t think a personality disorder would be present from so young. I just wonder if some ND people verge into personality disorders when left undiagnosed as unhealthy thought processes take over.

@SpecialMangeTout It's what you do though, isn't it. You try and find things that keep you and your kids connected. I am genuinely interested in my kids lives. I do different hobbies and activities with each of them, I ask about their lives, their day, their friends. We have a great relationship.
Dh doesn't ask, dh isn't interested. Dh doesn't have a relationship with them.
I hate that my kids have such a fucking shit father.

Yep. It’s really sad. Both for our dh and for our dcs.

Apparently I used to tell the kids all the time that their father loved them, missed them when he was away working, was so sad he missed x,y or z. Didn't even realise I did it until my dd asked me to stop. If dad loved and missed them then he could tell them himself. I stopped, he never tells them he loves them or misses them. I don't know if he understands the damage he has done, I don't know if he even cares.

I have an autistic mum who never once told me she loved me, she’s never hugged me. I’ve never had a secure sense of self and I think it has come from never been shown love, I never felt I was loved for just being me. My dad was better at showing love and I knew he loved me. I think having a maternal figure showing no love may be worse. I’m not sure as I’ve only my own experience.

I don’t mean my situation is worst just that they know they are loved from you so that will make a huge difference. I do the same, I tell my kids I love them 100 times a day because I was never told.

Thanks for the new thread @Daftasabroom

I've name changed as old one a bit outing (nationality) but I'm the one who's off to my individual Relate session later today!

@Rainbow03 My mum never expressed love or emotion either. My dad wasn't in the picture so I probably had quite an unhealthy upbringing, now that I think about it.
Brilliant, more shit to think about🤯😵‍💫🥴

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore Good luck with today🇸🇪😊

Yes I often have so much to think about that I just can’t deal with any of it. It’s probably why I like to be at home in the quiet where I haven’t got to figure anyone out. (Apart from the kids). My particular favourite advice on threads is when Im told to look at my own issues and how they have impacted my situation….oh please don’t make me look at myself🤯 it’s Pandora’s box in there!

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore good luck with your session!!

@Rainbow03 I have too, on occasion, looked at my own issues and how they have impacted my situation. Then I have slowly closed that particular box of delights, dug a massive hole, buried it, filled it in with cement and slowly backed away...😬

😂 great advice, finally some worth taking! May I suggest never posting on the relationships board. I did the other week and I’m still trying to close the box!

I haven't read these threads before so I hope it's okay to join. Hwith DS having being diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, we've really come to understand that DH most likely has it too. At similarly intense levels. It was quite hard for him to realise, and he's not in a position where he's willing to explore this formally, but we are thinking about it. In particular, he's been in a new job that requires quite a lot of organisation and he's coping quite well, but there's a notable drop off on how he copes at home as a result. It's made worse by the fact that MIL has moved in with SIL near by and DH feels obliged to help her out quite a lot so basically, any sort of home thing is at the bottom of his priority list and he's finding it hard. And then HE gets frustrated because he'll want to do a project at home, but finds himself spending about 5 hours faffing and then he has to work on it late, and everyone is tense.

It's been a tough couple of weeks and I'm definitely feeling it. And I feel bad because he really is trying - it's not like he's sitting around on his butt doing nothing.

Money is tight so even if he was willing to consider assessment and medication, we're not in a place to do that right now. Maybe next year.

@Rainbow03 Sometimes I check the Relationship board and see some poor unsuspecting sod asking for genuine advice, then thinking 'Oh dear, oh dear, this is not going to end well'
I'm definitely not brave enough to go there, that's a step too far.😱

I have had great advice in the past. Some quite life changing advice. I sometimes post when I’m in overwhelm and I’m often incoherent and overly emotional lol. Practical advice is of no use when in this state. It’s my bad most of the time.

I am envisioning a whole graveyard of buried boxes.

@Rainbow03 i totally get being overwhelmed. That's why my childhood stuff gets locked away. I can barely deal with the present on a good day. When I start to join-the-dots with past and present, it's too much and I usually end up just sitting staring into space. Sensory overload=switch off altogether. 🥴