Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

How is everyone this weekend? I hope you’re finding peace and strength if you need it.

I hope you’re OK @supersparrow. Yesterday must have been tough. 🫂

Just need a rant this morning.
We are going away for a long weekend to a major European city. I have booked flights, researched and booked a fabulous hotel.
Spending hours trying to find ' things to do'. There is too much to do in a few days though.
Asking dh to help. Nothing he wants to do, see, experience at all apparently in Xanadu, he's never been so has no idea. Why not do some research? I'm fine with whatever, he says.
I want to cry, this is my fucking life. It's like he's just a passenger. He has zero interests. As per usual I am left to 'find things to do ' and organise when, where, and what we do.
I could not book anything, cut my nose off to spite my face, ruin it for the kids, dh would be ok laying in the hotel room fucking doomscrolling though.
Every vacation is the same, he just turns up.
Anyhoo, no replies needed. I know we all have shit to deal with, but sometimes I could just scream.

Think of it as a holiday for you and the kids. Let him doomscroll in the hotel if he wants. You and the kids go and have a fab time. I only do one thing with H now. Once a year we get the Christmas tree as a family. That's it. It used to make me sad to see families out, but I honestly just get on with enjoying time with me and the kids now. We basically use each other as child minders whilst we get on with our own lives and interests. Its a classic when life gives you a lemon, make lemonade situation.

Sorry, that's probably not helpful. I know how painful it is when these things come up that highlight how normality is just so unattainable.

I’m just marking my place here…thank you for this thread. It might be the support I have been looking for.

That sounds really hard. Is there any way of making it more of a direct request perhaps? “What would you like to do?” is an open question. Possibly daunting for someone who doesn’t really have an interest or opinion about what, of the thousand possible things to do, he would choose. Could give him a specific task. Not a question. But a job. “I want you to research tourist attractions/restaurants/museums/whatever and find one or two you think the children would like”.

Just wondering if a more specific task would be something he could get stuck into? I dunno. Probably not! 😕

You have my sympathy. I would hate to go on holiday with someone who had no interest or opinion or ideas and just went along with it all, instead of showing some enthusiasm and making some effort.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy It's not ideal but I think I would probably just do what myself and the DC wanted to do when away and leave him to it unless he wants to join in? Depending on age of kids set times of days when he needs to look after DC so you can go off and do something nice yourself. It's sad but make sure you get what you can out of it and see the things you want to see etc.

H just casually told me that he will be going away with his friends again next September (he went last year, flying out on my birthday!) not even running it by me to check if that is ok with me or anything. In a way it means I can do the same and he never minds me going away by myself with DD but I do always run it by him first. I guess by then we'll be properly separated anyways!

Hope the funeral went ok and you had some support @supersparrow x

On the topic of being properly separated...sigh, I keep switching between deeply regretting giving in and giving H another chance by going along with some sort of half way separation whilst we address the issues, to thinking this is great and will allow time for everyone to process and help the final separationto be smoother. To him though, this seems to mean we are almost back to normal, still together whilst addressing the issues. I got carried away (trauma bonding?) and sort of agreed to that, then regretted it of course, but now can't tell him.

After the Relate session I had meant for this to be a trial separation of maybe 6 months, not actually getting back together. So whilst house sharing, I would be having some more space to think and respite from caring for DD, whilst H does all the things he promised me he'd do if I took him back. An adhd diagnosis and therapy for example, he said. To then see if my feelings change and we can make it work, as suggested by Relate.

Yet, I really can't see that happening, I know he isn't necessarily that 'bad' but I can't forget and move past some of his hurtful behaviours, which are probably abusive in some people's eyes. I don't trust him, I can't predict what he is like with his moodswings etc and as a result I don't think I actually like him some of the time. I don't want to be intimate with him yet yearn to be so with someone else (at some point in the future). Not saying that all this is due to possible ND, maybe it's me, my autism and my past trauma. It's not working though.

I guess the good thing is that he started moving stuff and furniture around to turn 'his' bedroom around meaning I should be getting my own room once the chaos of relocating stuff and furniture has settled! I also get some of Saturdays 'off' now so he cares for DD and I can get some respite.

Am trying to convince myself that this is still a step in the right direction and that it might benefit somehow.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I feel your pain. DH used to be a lot like this with the added pain of then having a LOT to say about how activity A or option B wasn't right. That has largely stopped now after a few meltdowns, and while I am still doing the bulk of the forward planning for things, he's a) not completely uninvolved b) he appreciates what I'm doing and c) he doesn't bitch if I've chosen x vs y. I'm sorry you haven't managed that. A friend is in a very similar situation, made worse as she KILLS herself trying to accommodate her H's preferences, and then he STILL whinges and bitches about what they're doing. It makes ME want to hit him in the face and I'm not even married to him.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore IS he doing any of the things he promised to do if you took him back? Because I'd suggest the chances you could forgive him for the past go up if he actually steps up and proactively solves the problems for the future. But you'd be completely justified in not finding much forgiveness in your heart if you cannot see any possibility of actual change. Saying "sorry" is meaningless without action behind it.

@Vuurhoutjies He seems to be trying to 'make me happy' but I'm not sure he is going quite the right way about it. He has started reading a book I passed/gave to him about the effect of ADHD on marriage (and how to make it work, I bought it in desperationa year or so ago) but I don't think he has looked into therapy, addressing his behaviours or anything like that. The book does talk a lot about how things like short tempers, irritation and moodswings are detrimental to marriage and must be addressed, so maybe once he gets to that chapter the penny might drop. I have been very clear on him needing to do this for himself, not me, but that I can't stay with him when he behaves like as it sends me into flight mode. Bit realistically, how likely is change really. And, how long would it take.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I don't think this will help you but for the record, DH had real problems controlling his anger (in my opinion the result of unrecognised, undiagnosed, untreated ADHD combined with him being parented very very badly). It came to a head one day a few months before we got married. I told him to sort it, or the wedding was off. And although I was devastated, I meant it.

He started counselling the following week. Which he attended for almost a year.

Your H can barely bring himself to read ONE book? That's not putting effort in. I'd also say that if he was genuinely taking you seriously, he'd be making an effort to get out of your bedroom and respect those boundaries. But he's not.

I'm very sorry but I think you're right. He thinks these minor changes are enough and you'll forget.

Sadly I think you are right, he is not taking it seriously. I have raised the issue of his anger many a times and he had been dismissive and always found something to blame it on. Then after I asked for a separation this summer (end of August so nearly 2 months ago) he still hasn't seen a therapist or done anything else to address this issue, only pushed me into going to Relate.

Unfortunately the counsellor picked up on me saying how much H wanted to change so that in the end I felt I maybe owed him that chance. Your DH took immediate action and listened to you, which is great and it's good to hear that it can be addressed. Too late for me probably but still nice to hear.

What makes it worse in my case is that my first husband was abusive and nearly killed me before I left, which H knows about, yet me then saying to him that his aggressive behaviours are triggering for me SHOULD mean swift action on his part to address it. Not blame it on external factors and minimise the impact. He clearly doesn't or can't comprehend this or would have addressed it years and years ago.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore It's really hard. The problem I think is that as women, as victims, as carers etc, we are conditioned to take people based on the words they say. eg your DH says that he "wants to change". And even your counsellor has got sucked into that. Frankly, the counsellor should have said, "you should give him a chance but you have the right to your own boundaries, and timeframe in which you'll accept that change."

I see this with SIL and exBIL all the time. He's been out of our life for quite a while now, but they recently were talking and he's making some positive noises and I can see her getting rapidly back into accepting what he says at face value, with no actual insistence on any change. It scares me that after all this time, it still happens.

When I joined this thread I feel I maybe didn't realise that many of you are dealing with really really tough situations. I thought it was more like me - irritations and frustrations but with a DH who is genuinely trying.

With my DC, when I'm trying to teach them responsibility and accountability and about consequences, I often use the example of a car accident where a person, wearing black, in the dark and the rain, runs out in front of me. If I kill or hurt that person by hitting them with my car, legally I'm unlikely to be blamed or go to jail. But that doesn't change the fact that I killed a person an I have to deal with that. And it's why when it's cold and dark and wet we all drive a bit slower and a bit more carefully too.

Also, do you think you could put some "easy" things in place he could do RIGHT now to prove he's taking on board what you say? eg "The spare room has to be sorted so you can move into it by the weekend. I need you to do this as the first step in proving to me you're not just paying lipservice to respecting my need for space and breathing room to think about this relationship."

@Vuurhoutjies The counsellor confused me, she seemed to suggest a trial separation but also spoke about me declaring myself homeless to get housing. She suggested a period during which I get more space and respite whilst H can choose to work on himself. He didn't come with as I refused to do joint counselling. In terms of easy things to do now getting the rooms sorted asap is probably do-able.

I would imagine a trial separation, normally, WOULD involve at least one of you moving out so I can sort of see the point about getting housing - except, I don't know why she thinks it has to be you as it sounds like you are the main carer for your DD so surely if anyone is going to move out, it would be your H?

Give the room thing a try. Very clear language: "You say you respect my need for space and want to work on things. Make sure you're out of our shared bedroom by the end of the weekend and I'll start to believe you. if you aren't, I'll take that as a clear sign you're not willing or able to do even the easy things so there's no way you'll do the hard ones."

Good luck! It's bloody hard. I find it hard and I have a DH who genuinely is trying --notwithstanding that he sent DS home on a train today because he had to make ONE stop, DS didn't want to and DH is now, more than an hour later, still MIA.....At least there's nothing I specifically need him to be doing right now.

Probably because I said he wouldn't move out and sees the house as his, because he lived here for a long time before I moved in. Plus with his hoarding tendency I can't see him easily moving out.

If only it was him moving out of main bedroom, it's me moving my things into the spare room which means him moving all of his stuff into the main bedroom (I co-sleep with DD so it's become his room over the years) . He hoards so both spare rooms are packed full of stuff. We are extremely lucky to have two extra rooms but it just means more space to fill. He is actually trying to clear some of it to take to recycling centre, which is a bonus.

Aaah, okay, that makes sense. But nonetheless, he needs to prove that he really is taking your concerns seriously and the first way to do that is to make space for you in the spare room, and do so immediately.

Thank you, yes I am going to ask for spare room sorted as soon as possible.

I know it isn’t the finished article, but it is progress. And is a long way from where you were. Take some time to enjoy it a bit. Your own space. No more grabbing and groping. Stop focusing on not being at the end point. You’re making progress. Slow and steady. Maybe he sees it as his chance to win you back. Great. You don’t have to give him what he wants. Enjoy him trying to be different. You’ve put up with enough. It’s your chance for a bit of fresh air. Xxx

I saw this and thought us of all.

Yes to this, I think I've managed to reframe it a bit during the course of today and have managed to tell H tonight that I want that room as mine very soon. And yes I will enjoy the respite/break on Saturdays and a bit more of a fair situation in terms of housework and DD care.

I even ordered some paint for the new room! Partly as there was mould on wall (due to piles of stuff meaning no ventilation in a damp cold room, been wiped and is being treated and aired) but also to make it feel fresh and new!

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy Are you staying somewhere where you can leave him to it? I remember a holiday, when the kids were little, when I had to wait hours every morning between the kids waking up and DH. I hated trying to keep them quiet and occupied and not knowing when DH would be up and ready to go out 🫤.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy I take the girls away on my own now. The only holiday he joins us for is when we visit his family.

Yes to that @SpecialMangeTout thanks for sharing.