Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Im so sorry for your loss @supersparrow Every sympathy.

@supersparrow sorry that sounds so overwhelming.

So sorry to hear about your loss @supersparrow hope you have some support from friends or other members of your family x

@supersparrow I am so sorry for your loss. And for how your H is behaving. I'm new to these threads but for the record, I think that sounds awful and any ND is not an excuse for his behaviour.

Hope tomorrow is OK @supersparrow
Hope DH steps up. Xx

@supersparrow

Oh supersparrow I am so sorry. So sorry about your Mum passing and so sorry at the lack of comfort or even acknowledgement of this from your DH.

Your H sound exactly like mine - all through your post I was ' yes that, and that, and that.' When you talked about him coming upstairs like nothing has happened yup.. Nothing is repaired, everything is left as an open wound.

I'm so sorry, I know how much all that hurts.

@BustyLaRoux

That sounds utterly wearing.

I was reading yesterday about how relationships grow through conflict and resolution. Only with ND partners there is often no resolution only resentment which eventually ruins the relationship.

Absolutely this, at least in relationships where the person's expression of ND means they are not able to repair relationships. Being able to repair ruptures in relationships is essential.

Yes sorry I should have made the definition. I am ND and my first response is to actively avoid all conflict at all costs. Which is also very unhealthy. My partner immediately points the finger right back with “what about you comment”. We both aren’t good at conflict but I am able to go away and think and come back realising I’m wrong if I am, he isn’t.

The lack of repair is the biggest issue in my relationship. Avoidance is so destructive over time, it’s hard to believe until you’ve experienced it.

Sending you such a huge hug@supersparrow. What a huge loss you’ve suffered. I’m sorry your partner can’t be the support you need. Do keep posting 💐

Yes to the sudden switch as if nothing ever happened.

I'd never really thought about the lack of resolution, but yes to that too.

We had this actual conversation, it was pretty surreal:

DW - you deliberately run over cats in the car
Me - what? No, I've never run over a cat
DW - yes you do
Argue for a few minutes
Me - I have never deliberately run over a cat
DW - well it's the sort of thing you would do
Me - no way, what on earth makes you think that?
DW - it's the sort of person you are...
More arguing
It lead to that "you can't ever admit your faults" type of face off. I was fuming for ages, still am. DW was over it in a flash.

I figured it out a while later. She had probably heard me talking to one of the DC about what happens if you can't stop a car quickly enough to avoid an accident. Obviously you have to make some decision, and if it came down to cat vs pedestrian the cat wasn't going to win (I do realise there are other opinions here). But somehow DW had twisted that into an impression of me cruising the streets looking for cats to run over. It's stupidly surreal as per @BustyLaRoux and certainty.

@supersparrow 🌳to remember your mum.

The avoidance annoys the hell out of me because it’s not avoidance for fear of conflict in my partners case. He simply thinks I am stupid and irrational for having any emotional response about anything. He simply thinks he’s right. I can’t stand it.

Thinking of you, @supersparrow . I am so sorry. 💐

@supersparrow
so sorry for the loss of your mum. My mum died almost 39 years ago when I was 30. I still miss her every day. Hugs to you xx

Oh my! Yes and yes. We have the same here. Certainty about my stance on matters. And I’m like WTF are you on about?! And it’s “YOU always say….” To which I am just standing there opened mouthed wondering how he can think that.

Then it will transpire I once said something in an offhand way about 3 years ago and he has now decided this is my position on the matter. No matter I demonstrate the opposite through my behaviour. Nope. You said it once and now it is written in stone. My Autistic dad is the same actually. He will tell me (although with less absoluteness than DP) that I don’t like x. And when I say “really? Why would you think that?” He will remind of something I said when I was 15!!! Never mind more than 30 years has passed. Never mind I am obviously a completely different person than my 15 year old self. Nope. I said it then so I must still think the same way.

At least my dad will accept it if I say that’s a long time ago and I don’t even remember saying that and I certainly don’t feel that way now! DP on the other hand will refuse to let me account for myself. He will categorically tell me what I think. Insist that’s what I always say. It’s my absolute position and it doesn’t matter if I perhaps know better. I am saying I really don’t feel like that. That’s not my stance on the matter at all. He will just ignore me and say yes it is! Apparently he knows me far better than I do myself and is much better qualified to tell me how I think and feel than I am.

And that is not annoying in the slightest!

You can really mix it up when last month you say you don’t need something and then decide today you do need that something. I break him when I do this. It won’t compute that I simply changed my mind because I didn’t feel like it back then. He just stares at me like I’m not from this planet.

Everything is so ABSOLUTE! 😫

That’s so interesting @BustyLaRoux , @Daftasabroom and @Rainbow03 about your partners fixing on one thing you have said and never shifting. I briefly tried to be vegan when I was at uni and switched to soya milk. Despite me fairly quickly failing as a vegan, my Dad got stuck in this knowledge and for the remaining decades of his remaining life every time I went home he was like ‘you like that funny milk don’t you? We’ll have to get you that funny milk’. It didn’t matter how many times I told him I drank cows milk again, he never updated. Even more interestingly, once him and Mum moved to UHT milk, he insisted the supermarkets no longer stocked regular milk. It was bizarre. My Dad was not diagnosed autistic but he’s so like my H I now think he was. When Dad made friends with a man with autism, he also said it made him think he was autistic too.

My H also gets trapped in a ‘knowledge’ that he never, ever updates. It’s makes you feel you are living with someone trapped in a bizarre parallel universe. Some of the things he gets trapped in are not funny, they can be really pernicious.

They can be so funny (our partners that is). I am often amazed at the information that they absorb. They pick up logically absolutely everything. I don’t know how he puts up with me because I change my mind on a whim. I often rearrange furniture because I’m bored and fancy a change. He will come in and point out everything that’s moved, even ornaments. He just thinks I’m bonkers 🤪

My FIL used to drive H nuts with getting stuck on things, like how H liked one sugar in his coffee (H had stopped taking sugar many, many years ago but FIL would not accept this!) or something similar. He was likely AuADHD as well as OCD.

I do tend to get trapped on knowledge so can relate a bit, also have ridiculously good memory for certain things, like the exact names of childhood friend's dog or cat.

That's so surreal @Daftasabroom, obviously that's not what you meant at all! 😟

The whole rigidity v spontaneity thing comes out in all sorts of ways for us. Even furniture.

E.g. DH wants everything decided in the house once and for all. No changing minds about paint colour, furniture layout, etc. He prefers fitted furniture so there's no chance of re-arranging rooms later. It does put more pressure on to get it all right the first time. I'd prefer a home that changes bit by bit.

Hope today's going as well as it can @supersparrow 🙁