Page 3 | Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

Daftasabroom · 2024-10-09T08:29:48+00:00

New thread. This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. It's complicated and it's emotional. The old thread is here.

Rainbow03 · 10/10/2024 13:25

SpecialMangeTout · 10/10/2024 13:21

Struggling but I’ll be ok.
This virus really looked like Covid (who made me relapse badly with ME so now I’m needing a wheelchair) but so far I’m testing negative. So I’m crossing fingers it’s ’just a cold’ I’ll recover from

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I took a Covid test yesterday as I feel so awful but came back negative. I’m just literally crawling around after the kids I’ve nothing energy wise. My oldest still has it about her 2 weeks later but more congested not knackered. I’m just waiting for it to life a bit.

SpecialMangeTout · 10/10/2024 13:45

It’s shit isn’t it?
I much preferred the phase where it looked like I was never catching anything all (because my immune system was shot and couldn’t muster the energy of giving me symptoms).

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 10/10/2024 14:01

Hope you both feel better soon @Rainbow03 and @SpecialMangeTout x

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 10/10/2024 14:06

SpecialMangeTout · 09/10/2024 15:25

I have c.f.s and I swear it makes me crash when I think too much.

Oh yes!!
Thats one reason why I’m so fearful of starting a separation. I think I’m going to massively crash and not recover from it, ME wise.
And counselling is making me crash when it’s heavy/emotional. Still worth it because manageable in that format and it helps me reframe and move on. But I wouldn’t do that on my own. The overwhelm is too big for me to handle.

I'm not sure I have a chronic illness but maybe it's being autistic but I completely crash following emotional events. Felt like I was wading through treacle most of this morning. Not to mention how rough I felt Monday earlier this week following H's repetitive requests about the Relate counselling.

Rainbow03 · 10/10/2024 14:11

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 10/10/2024 14:06

I'm not sure I have a chronic illness but maybe it's being autistic but I completely crash following emotional events. Felt like I was wading through treacle most of this morning. Not to mention how rough I felt Monday earlier this week following H's repetitive requests about the Relate counselling.

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I think my undiagnosed ADHD and me constantly pushing through situations that scared the crap out of me and kept me on high alert for 30 odd years caused my c.f.s. That’s why I always advocate leaving if possible because the effects of just pushing through can have devastating long term effects whoever is to blame. By the time you get to the point of being chronically unwell it no longer matters. I wish I’d had support and perhaps medication as a child, just sadly I was missed as I’m academically capable but relationship and social wise I’m far from, I masked too well.

Rainbow03 · 10/10/2024 18:37

I got told today that my daughter is getting put on the SEN register despite the application only going in not long ago. She is just suffering and it breaks my heart. I keep telling her it’s ok to be different but it’s not ok to think that other people are not different also. Her self esteem is on the floor and she in constant overwhelm. I hope this helps her.

Vuurhoutjies · 11/10/2024 12:07

Rainbow03 · 10/10/2024 18:37

I got told today that my daughter is getting put on the SEN register despite the application only going in not long ago. She is just suffering and it breaks my heart. I keep telling her it’s ok to be different but it’s not ok to think that other people are not different also. Her self esteem is on the floor and she in constant overwhelm. I hope this helps her.

How old is she?

DS was on the SEN register for years before the ADHD diagnosis (although we knew he had SPD), but at around 8 or 9 he started being able to understand that he didn't seem to think/feel the same way as the other children. It was quite hard for him at first but actually, that realisation also allowed him to start working with us to think about what he needs to do to manage better. It wasn't a quick process, and it's not finished yet, but I was interested just this weekend when he told me he needed to know the name of the school he was playing against in a match because he wanted to google the school and the sports hall, if he could, because he found that less stressful than turning up to an entirely new place. He'd never even discussed this with me previously and i had no idea this was an issue for him. He's 13 now.

They amaze me every day.

BustyLaRoux · 11/10/2024 19:46

Oh phew! There you all are. Hello!!!!

Thought I’d lost you there for a minute.

Thanks @Daftasabroom !!

BustyLaRoux · 12/10/2024 19:22

@Daftasabroom i feel it’s a lot of responsibility on you to keep us all going! Please say if it’s too much/ a massive pain you could do without! Xx

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 12/10/2024 22:13

BustyLaRoux · 12/10/2024 19:22

@Daftasabroom i feel it’s a lot of responsibility on you to keep us all going! Please say if it’s too much/ a massive pain you could do without! Xx

It's no problem @BustyLaRoux. I do check, I hope you're all okay?

Our lives have taken a very different turn in the last couple of months. Something neither of us have much control over. I'm not sure it's really changed our relationship, but it has made "us" (me and DW) or at least sorting "us" out less of a priority. It's hard to explain.

I hope this isn't too cryptic, but look after your DCs, talk to them, even if you think it isn't sinking in. AS kids might not have the maturity and sense nuance you think they do.

OP posts:

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy · 13/10/2024 08:36

@Daftasabroom Sorry to hear that you're going through stuff. Wishing you the strength to get through it. Take care of yourself 💐

Noplannow · 13/10/2024 08:49

Vuurhoutjies · 10/10/2024 11:38

So he hates hearing about horrible things people do to each other, say on the news. To be fair, so do I. I find it so upsetting and I can't DO anything about it. My mum was the same. So I tend to avoid it. I'm not sure that's really that good either though. BIL (covert narc) on the other hand revels in this sort of thing because he can then talk about how bad it makes him feel. Ick. DH probably has the healthiest response - he feels it, allows himself to feel it, and then processes the emotion and moves on.

He can feel empathy for people expressing clear emotions that are not threatening to him ( so where he is not the cause of the upset they are feeling or whatever). Totally normal. Although I'd say that in the case of BIL, I have come to realise that he doesn't truly empathise, it's more just that he can intellectually accept those emotions in someone else. If you look closely, there's no real empathy in his facial expression or responses.

He has no empathy if he has caused the upset, even accidentally, as he is entirely focussed on his own (defensive) feelings in that situation which utterly blocks his ability to empathise with the others. He has no empathy if he is having strong feelings himself such as anger or upset, again, he will just be focussed on himself. Yes, an inability to put himself into someone else's shoes or even just to acknowlege that even if he is upset, someone else may well be upset, and rightfully so, at the same time. The more extreme version of this is then using their upset to make someone else hurt, but refusing to see that secondary hurt as valid ("I had every right to say those things to you because I was upset, you don't have the right to feel hurt by them because it was your fault in the first place.")

@Vuurhoutjies ’The more extreme version of this is then using their upset to make someone else hurt, but refusing to see that secondary hurt as valid ("I had every right to say those things to you because I was upset, you don't have the right to feel hurt by them because it was your fault in the first place.")’

omg I never saw it written this way. That has just caused a massive light bulb moment. Thank you

SpecialMangeTout · 13/10/2024 09:08

@Daftasabroom I Hope things are as ok as they can your way. 💐💐

Sending you strength, patience and support.

Original poster

Daftasabroom · 13/10/2024 11:00

@Noplannow "I had every right to say those things to you because I was upset, you don't have the right to feel hurt by them because it was your fault in the first place."

This, about ten times a day.

OP posts:

Bluebellforest1 · 13/10/2024 14:06

@Daftasabroom
solidarity and care winging its way to you

LoveFoolMe · 13/10/2024 15:55

Wishing you well @Daftasabroom

ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore · 13/10/2024 20:15

Sending you whatever you need to keep going @Daftasabroom hope you have some support and that things work out x

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 13/10/2024 20:35

Take care @Daftasabroom

Apex3 · 14/10/2024 12:08

Checking in, catching up on a lot of interesting posts

MetooOP · 14/10/2024 12:18

SpecialMangeTout · 10/10/2024 12:49

He has no empathy if he has caused the upset, even accidentally, as he is entirely focussed on his own (defensive) feelings in that situation which utterly blocks his ability to empathise with the others. He has no empathy if he is having strong feelings himself such as anger or upset, again, he will just be focussed on himself.

Let’s honest there.
I’ve done that myself and I’m neither ND, nor a narcissist. If anything, I tend to be over empathetic.
I’m realising that I do have some trauma from childhood that I’ve never processed (so some stuff are huge trigger points for me). And I’ve been utterly burnt out.
When you are in a state of total overwhelm, I think being engulfed in your feelings, esp anger, is a pretty normal reaction. Maybe not the best. But being able to step back, calm down, analyse the situation, IS hard when no one has ever taught you how to do it.
eg There is no point expecting empathy from an autistic person who is in the middle of a meltdown.
And Yes trauma will impede that process too (and autistic people will have their share of trauma, maybe due to their upbringing, ND parents but also bullying, not fitting in etc….) But I think that saying being autistic is making people more likely to also narcissistic is going too far.

For me, the inability to put yourself in some one else’s shoes is visible outside of ‘making a mistake’ etc…
It’s dh deciding that he’ll still spend the day away at his mum’s when I’m ill with a virus and can’t feed myself (which he knows).

Lets be honest here. To do that in every single incident is not normal. Not at all. For example, accidentally treading on your four year old's foot and the child starting to cry and then the adult shouting angrily at the child with their excuse as to how it was not their fault before storming out the room. Not normal.

Nor is it not normal once you have calmed down to fail to realise you were a bit of a wanker there and apologise.

I didn't say H sometimes does this. I am talking about a habitual unchanging pattern.

There is no minimising this.

MetooOP · 14/10/2024 12:26

Rainbow03 · 10/10/2024 18:37

I got told today that my daughter is getting put on the SEN register despite the application only going in not long ago. She is just suffering and it breaks my heart. I keep telling her it’s ok to be different but it’s not ok to think that other people are not different also. Her self esteem is on the floor and she in constant overwhelm. I hope this helps her.

Does this mean she will be able to access support? I really hope getting this recognition of her SEN helps. Its awful seeing your child suffer. All strength to you

MetooOP · 14/10/2024 12:27

@Daftasabroom Sorry to hear things have got rough for you. Wishing you strength to get through it.

Apex3 · 14/10/2024 12:41

A lot of wise words spoken by this guy in my opinion. Thanks @Yvawn

This guy is brutally realistic about trying to change men with ASD. Don't click on it if you are trying to improve your relationship. But do have a listen if you want reassurance that ending things is the only option.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8 m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8

Rainbow03 · 14/10/2024 13:16

MetooOP · 14/10/2024 12:26

Does this mean she will be able to access support? I really hope getting this recognition of her SEN helps. Its awful seeing your child suffer. All strength to you

Show quote history

I really hope so. They have tired to put so many things in place for her to try and meet her needs but it’s just not working. What they are doing is making her feel more and more like she is different and different means not as good or stupid to her. School is becoming a place that triggers her badly at the moment. She has pushed all friendships away and is now being increasingly horrible to her classmates. I think it’s just a subconscious reaction to the fact that she has little empathy and understanding of how it all works. I do think kids need to be taught about differences also. It’s ok to hone in on my daughter and other kids with ND and teach them about differences but it’s a two way street. I feel so so sorry for her. She is pushing away all relationships because she doesn’t have a clue how to behave, even towards me and her little sister.

Rainbow03 · 14/10/2024 13:18

Apex3 · 14/10/2024 12:41

A lot of wise words spoken by this guy in my opinion. Thanks @Yvawn

This guy is brutally realistic about trying to change men with ASD. Don't click on it if you are trying to improve your relationship. But do have a listen if you want reassurance that ending things is the only option.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8 m.youtube.com/watch?v=6vBIehjwmd8

Bloody hell that’s brutal but absolutely spot on. I am unsure whether my ex was ASD or if he had a personality disorder or attachment disorder but I made myself sick with M.E staying with him. You absolutely can’t change people.