Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 13

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Thanks Lucky. We’ve been together 5 years now. I feel so guilty for uprooting my DC. They’re OK. I mean, they’ve survived. They seem quite happy. I get on pretty well with their dad and we coparent very successfully. He is a far better human being now he isn’t with me. Sadly he was just awful to me. But he is very nice to his GF now. I always knew he would be. He isn’t a bad person. Just incredibly self interested and lazy. And he devoted all his energy to doing as little as possible while I ran myself ragged. I knew if he had no one there to run around after him that he would be forced to grow up and change. And he did! I genuinely felt like I was setting him free when I left. So I don’t feel too guilty about having an affair. He deserved it. We had a fairly open relationship by then anyway. I know he was messing about behind my back. So I don’t feel bad about that per se.

I feel bad that my DC have to see DP in his less good moments. They’re pretty switched on and they see him for what he is. Someone who lies, who is utterly deluded, who blames other people for everything all the time (especially his own errors!), who is irritable and quick to temper, who is critical and argumentative. I shield them from as much as possible. But really, he is often not a good person and they know that. (They certainly don’t see the worst. That he reserves for his ex. Even I have had to remove myself from knowing too much because that situation is beyond toxic. I wish no part in it. The things I could tell you would be quite shocking. We’ve had the police round twice over Xmas! But that’s another story…) But even if I had the money to leave, we’d have to move away from their friends, their school, their nice home. My DD and my SDD get on well. I can’t uproot them again. I simply won’t do it. Having said that he is also kind to them. Will give them lifts places if I’m busy or unwell. Cooks them their favourite meals. Takes them to adventure parks. Buys them things. Talks to them about stuff they’re interested in. Asks their opinions about stuff. Has a laugh with them. He isn’t all bad by any means. So it’s not as easy as all that. Uprooting them again is the greater of two evils (the other being staying put). Everything I do now has to be for them. I just wish I’d made different choices. Wish I hadn’t gone with my heart. My lovely mum hadn’t long died and she left my dad. Good for her! Her second husband adored her. They were very happy and I think I thought DP was my shot at happiness after 20 years of being unhappily married. I could feel the ghost of my mum willing me to leave my DH and be happy with this man. Of course that was bollocks. I realise that now. It’s funny the lies we tell ourselves. So yeah, DP wasn’t who I thought. And that’s on me. I threw so much away to be with him. I have to try and make it work or else it was all for nothing. Do you see?

@BustyLaRoux it must be so difficult with the kids being settled and you’re mostly happy with his treatment of them. It’s so sad that you took a leap of faith like your mum did and it didn’t work out as well. I guess you could only go on what you knew at the time so don’t shoulder all of it. It sounds like leaving your ex was the right call but DP hasn’t lived up to expectations. How old are your kids? Could a breakup feasibly happen when they are older.

I think relationships generally involve big sacrifices in the beginning and many don’t work out. It’s so tough to think about what’s lost but @BustyLaRoux I'm sure you’ve learnt a lot about yourself and your needs. Also about what you don’t want. I do hope things improve.

@Dialledin the kids are 11 and 15. I do ask what they would prefer. They say they’re fine but if I wanted to leave then they’d be fine with that. Equally though they are fine where they are. They wish I hadn’t split up from their dad. But I think perhaps they were a bit young to remember how much we argued. It wasn’t very healthy and I was very unhappy with them growing up seeing the woman of the household having to do everything while dad played football, went to the pub and the gym (twice a day!). My inner feminist felt this was a terrible thing to be showing them as “normal”. So I think it’s better that I did leave even though I know they wish we were still together. Their dad and I do stuff with them together, so they see us getting on well now and probably have rose tinted glasses about the past.

The way I see it, I took a risk. It hasn’t paid off. But it did free me from an unhappy marriage. I spend much more time with my family than I used to (as exDH didn’t like my family). I have more time for myself as I’m not doing all the childcare and the household chores as well as my full time job. I can finally go to the gym myself (no time before, what with DH being there twice a day). I am kinder and more patient. I have learnt so much about myself. I’ve realised I have ADHD. I’ve realised my dad is autistic which gives me a huge amount to reflect on about my childhood. I didn’t even register ND as being part of my world (and exDH thinks it’s all a load of nonsense so would not have supported me to get diagnosed or study ND). In many ways there have been lots of positives about leaving. I also know that if I fell ill, DP would absolutely be there for me. He is very good in a crisis. And very attentive and kind when I am unwell. So I have less to worry about than many people on here. We also don’t suffer from a lack of affection or connection. So again, I am in a much better position than a lot of people.

I can’t get away from the guilt. But I have to make my peace with it. I have to accept what I did and accept the outcome. For now anyway. I understand DP. I manage him as best I can. I don’t react to his petty comments and nit picking. I walk away when he is angry. I let it wash over me. I rarely cry. I rarely lose my temper. I vent. And I carve out pockets of time for me. I see my friends and family. I accept what is, and I make the best of it. Christmas has been very lovely despite DP being disorganised and late with everything, (and despite the police visits!) Again, I vent to my friends and try and laugh it off.

I am only in my 40s so am sure I have many more chapters to come.

I think relationships are really complicated. Most of the ones I’ve had are people expecting me to fall into certain roles and be happy. I’m not sure if it’s the ND in me but I don’t conform much to roles, one day I’m one thing then the next day a different. Both the parents in my long relationships have been unhappy about me because I don’t conform to the nice little wife and mum who gives up all her needs for her partner. I feel most people feel settled when they conform and are easily read. I feel I’m not here to live up to people’s expectations. Perhaps that’s why relationships don’t work out because we often go in with expectations and they end up being unfulfilled because at the end of the days it’s a projection of what the other person “should” be like.

@Rainbow03 i totally get what you mean by that. I’m pretty sure I’m ADHD and I’ve not taken well to being a stay at home mum. It wasn’t in my plan as I find traditional roles for women problematic. I get on well with my DHs mum but then he’s ASD and I think she appreciates I’m a bit different and that’s a good thing. She’s one of the few partner mums I’ve got on with. I’ve been made to feel not good enough many times.

I think you’re right there’s a lot of expectations when we go into a relationship and it would be impossible to meet all of them. I just draw the line when basic needs are not being met. Being connected with and comforted is human nature. When that isn’t happening it’s a very lonely experience. Even with some understanding of why.

@BustyLaRoux well it sounds like the connection is still there despite the difficulties. Great he’d look after you if you were ill etc. It’s a good thing though you got out of the previous marriage. I too am pretty sure I’m ADHD and that’s been confusing and comforting to me so hopefully learning that will help with deciding what comes next for you. I’m 45 so probably similar age. This is my third ASD relationship so I must have a type 🤦🏻‍♀️😂. I’ve read quite a lot around how neurodiverse people tend to attract each other. If I am neurodiverse though it’s in a completely opposite way to DH so I’m not sure about the compatibility for us. Guess I need to figure it out.

@Dialledin I think many of my personal issues have stemmed around conditioning and expectations. As a women I am conditioned and expected to abandon my needs for those of everyone else or align and morph into my partners. I struggle to do this, I am quite fiercely different and I have over the years developed shame over this. I do wonder if many ND people try to conform so hard and get themselves into relationships to hide. It is hard to hide one’s true self forever. I liken this to my ex who hid his true self and his intentions, which was a relationship with a women who’s dreams would morph into his and we’d all be happy working towards his sole dream. Me being me it ended really badly for us both really. Him abusing and begging and rewarding and punishing me trying to train me and becoming more and more angry and depressed and me not understanding any of what was going on or what was expected. He literally stood there one day and said to me, cant you just be like all the women clients I have who go to the gym and do there hair and look nice for their husbands.

DCs are 5 & 9 and DS (the eldest) is pretty switched on. To be honest, most of DH and my disagreements related to him - he’s not daft and I feel stuck in the middle when DH is being unreasonable and either not communicating clearly with him or just escalating discipline far too quickly - screen bans seem to end up being multiple days for minor issues.
How have other people managed this? DH is so adamant that his way is the right way and any suggestion otherwise is seen as undermining or belittling him. But I don’t want DS to feel completely unsupported either as he’s very aware that DHs treatment of him is OTT. I have to confess that I have on occasion pointed out to DH (in private) that if I am backed into a corner then the mental wellbeing of our son is more important than perceived slights to his ego. Which probably didn’t help, but is the truth.
Any successful strategies?

In the past when I challenged DP on the way he disciplined his DS, he said he was the only one who could get him to behave. I just shook my head and said “yes, but at what cost?” I think that hit him quite hard. I don’t know if that counts as a strategy. Basically I’ve tried to get him to see that discipline isn’t the most important thing for a parent to give their child. It’s love and understanding.

He thinks I let my DC get away with far too much. Perhaps I do. I could be stricter, but I would rather calmly tell them why their behaviour is unfair and reason with them later when they’re able to discuss things with me sensibly. DP would prefer to shout at his children when they don’t behave or send them to their rooms. I quietly say there are better ways to get what you want from your children than shouting (which is horrible for everyone) and excessive punishments. I don’t undermine him in front of the DC. But I do calmly challenge him and suggest how that could have gone better, or let him know his shouting has upset everyone else. He is still the authoritarian, but much much less than he used to be. DP is reasonably receptive to me helping him parent though. I’m not sure that would necessarily work for all.

@Rainbow03 he sounds like an absolute piece of work. How can there be happiness in such a superficial relationship? Sounds like he wanted a trophy. Glad you’re out of that one.

I absolutely agree about the female conditioning. Even the most well meaning men seem to want their partner to abandon their dreams for family life. I was diagnosed with post natal depression when my daughter was one. Mainly because I wanted to work and no one was helping me to secure childcare. I’d slipped into the default parent role which was not the plan. My DH asked if I truly wanted the kids if I wasn’t prepared to stay home with them. Our original plan had been for my in-laws to help with childcare but they changed their minds. It put me in a really difficult place. Now two years on I’ve lost confidence and am now in the grips of perimenopause. I’m trying to work but honestly being a SAHM has broken me. I was clear with my DH about my intentions but he ignored that. Maybe I could have fought harder for it but with sleep deprivation (no help with baby from DH at night) I was weak.

@TwinklyTornadoBear this is such a difficult one and definitely a bit of an issue in our house. Most the time I have to be the bad guy and take it away. It sounds like you are putting your child’s needs first. You DP does sound quite harsh. It sounds like he is being a bit inconsistent with how he’s dealing with it. Our ds is 4 and ASD so we have to give good warnings of any transition or we get a meltdown. Could you get an egg timer or something visual that you and Dap could turn over signalling to ds this is the amount of time he has left until the screen will be shut down. Just so he has some warning. Just a thought.

My current partner now bless him he really does try but he clutches at straws doing what he thinks is right having no way of understanding how I feel about anything. I sometimes look at him and feel Im looking at a child and it gives me the ich. I can’t be bothered to explain or talk about anything anymore related to feelings. I know he thinks I’m constantly being irrational and it bothers me. Like how dare I have a feeling about something because he has never noticed, he doesn’t notice anything and his family in particular treat him like a mug but I can’t say anything because it’s over his head. Him and his family are beginning to annoy me lately.

@Rainbow03 I relate to the not even explaining anymore. It’s so exhausting and leads to arguments. I’ve explained what’s lacking in our relationship so many times. I’m currently trying to praise him for what he has done. It’s hard to accept what’s missing. Wouldn’t it be great to chat about things and just be understood!?

I honestly think it’s best to mentally sign out of these NT/ND relationships. Since I did that I’ve been much happier (despite my current hopefully temporary! feelings). I’ve really looked towards how fantastic my kids are, seen all the positives in life, even the stuff we take for granted like nature and the weather. I’m a significantly happier person than I was a few years ago. Maybe at some point all this stuff will sort itself out and I’ll be truly happy with someone else, time will tell 🙂

@Apex3 I hear you! I think in the day to day it’s really important to have gratitude for what’s going well. Great news that you’re happier now and generally ok. Being upset and down about it does give them a lot of power over your happiness. Choosing to be happy is such an important choice for everyone.

However I do think it’s something that creeps back in again. Especially during difficult times. When I’m ill for example I feel ignored and unloved. It stirs up all those feelings again and I can’t help but feel I’m missing out on the comfort and attention I need to get better.

I am feeling that the more I learn about ASD the better I feel about it all. Understanding why they struggle definitely helps. Having a child who is ASD has helped me develop more empathy for DH. The internal struggles they have are heartbreaking.

its sad your DW cannot admit to herself that she’s on the spectrum. She must struggle quite a lot on the inside. I sometimes think if my DH would just have an assessment and gain some intellectual understanding of our differences things would be better.

@Apex3 I think It’s totally unfair we have to sign out of relationships. I also find it creeps back in. I hate to use this analogy because I’m ND myself but if there is a some rotten fruit in the bowl it tends to spread. I’m not going to lie I have to really rein myself in because I could quite easily ruin a relationship with my rejection sensitivity (despite learning that actually it’s normally spot on). I only ask from a partner the understanding that sometimes I need a little reassurance. But there lies the problem. Actually taking ownership of yourself and admitting your faults and communicating them. If my partner said to me, you know what I have a little trouble understanding how you feel and I need more direct communication I’d totally understand. But what I get is, please don’t tell me, or even please don’t have any feelings because I don’t have them so have no clue what to do.

I have to say the only way I’ve survived so far is to stay away from as many people as possible who are like this. I’m very open, perhaps too open with my feelings and I’m sure I chase people away. I’ve stopped caring because that way at least I know the ones who stay actually care. I have many ND people in my family, both sides and the one thing that is the most damaging is that they are unable to see you as a complete person. None of them know me. The one who is not seen is the one who suffers the most. They are all happily who they are.

Dh is home again, after being away for Xmas and new year. Sadly but not surprisingly he didn't really ask what we got up to. Didn't ask the kids what presents they got. Told us all about his time away though. So, a normal start to the new year 😮‍💨
As a gift to myself this year i have decided that i am going to put my own wellbeing at the forefront. I am not going to think and do for dh. I know I will have to let a lot slide and there will be a lot of counting to 10 but something* *has to change this year for me.
I cant make dh interested in mine or his children's lives, I can't make him do anything, so I am not going to try anymore.
I have decided that I'm not going to do all the vacation planning this year. I have always been the one to research, decide and plan every single one of our vacations. This year I am not. Two days ago I told everyone this, dh in particular.
The kids came up with ideas and reasons why we should go there. Dh came up with places that people he works with have told him about🤔
I have asked that he think about and actually do some research on where he would like to go. He has spent the last two days doomscrolling.
Yes, I could just not organise anything but we would end up not going anywhere. Not an option, I need to get away.
I know we will end up going where the kids and I want, dh just tagging along, as usual, but for me it's a start of a new way of doing things for me.
Lowering my expectations to absolutely zero so as not to be continually disappointed.

@Rainbow03 I'm just starting to realise that dh is completely happy with who he is, he has no need or desire to use emotion. He doesn't understand emotional reasons or reactions from me or the kids. I have also come to the sad conclusion that he doesn't know me at all, because he doesn't understand how I feel about things. In saying that, I don't understand dh either, as I don't understand how he goes through life without feeling things.
Basically two incompatible people sharing the same space with no comprehension of each other's needs.

This was a massive realisation from me and has kind of in a shit way given me some
power and some space to think about what I want. Usually I tried so hard to behave in ways to get some kind of response and what I fat waste of time and energy that is. I mean I so desperately want some bloody loving and some acceptance but it’s not coming from these people. They won’t change because unfortunately (and I really don’t what to sound awful) they are incredibly selfish and they honestly see us as the nagging irritating irrational people and the more we try and create change the more we reinforce this idea. I’ve basically reached oh fuck it level and have decided to expand my world and forget about these relationships in the sense of finding people who see me.

It is not their fault, we are what we are. In a way we have to stop trying. I can’t tell you how soul destroying and how much of myself I have sacrificed trying to change people. That is a fault in me. I can’t get from those what they aren’t able to give.

I am totally with you on this. Emotional check out is sometimes the only way. It’s too hurtful otherwise. You’re the same age as me. We have many more chapters left! Who knows what those will look like. My mum remarried in her 50s and was very happy with her second husband. You’re doing the right thing in taking as much pleasure from your kids as possible. Equally though, if you wanted to divorce and could afford to, and wouldn’t be worried about sharing care of your children with your wife then maybe consider it this year? I can’t remember if you’ve said what stops you from following that path (not that you need to explain yourself!). If you have considered this option and cannot go through with it now for whatever reason, then emotional check out, seeing friends, carving out pockets of time for yourself, telling yourself this isn’t forever, enjoying your beautiful children…. These things will be helpful and your post Xmas glum feelings will hopefully pass xx

Completely agree @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy and exact same here. It’s why I say above its best, in my opinion, to mentally sign out of relationships because constantly trying to work everything out, understand, change yourself or your partner puts you in a very dark mental place, or did me anyway.

Once I’d told myself that I had no marriage, no partnership, I was literally just living under the same roof as another person who may as well be from a different planet, I was in a much better place. Since then it’s gone one stage further and I now realise I am a huge source of anxiety to her, so I don’t bother trying to do anything as a family cos I know it won’t work. So I do my thing with the kids, she does hers, and all is (relatively) good. There’s an awful lot of truth in that YouTube vid.

I don’t think you can do better than this. My dad would be the same. He wouldn’t think to ask how my [birthday, xmas, holiday] went. He wouldn’t ask if the DC had a nice time or what presents they got or anything about them. He’ll just talk about his ailments or what he has for lunch and how much traffic he has just encountered. If I forced the information on him, as I sometimes do, like “so the kids had a good Xmas. DS loved the present we got him…” he just looks through me and says “right”. And then changes the subject back to his preferred topics. He doesn’t understand how to engage in a conversation that isn’t one of the subjects he feels comfortable with. So he just abruptly ends the conversation with a “right” or a “there you are then!”. I’ve come to realise he simply doesn’t have a brain that can make any meaning out of the information offered. It’s like I say something and it doesn’t land anywhere. I might tell you my DS loved his present and you’d say “oh that’s nice. Where do you think he’ll keep it?” Or anything that shows you’ve made some sense out what was said and can ask a question back or made a comment to show the information has “landed”. But my dad can’t do that. As the information doesn’t land. He has nowhere to file it. So he just says “right” and quickly moves on to a more comfortable place (ailments, lunch, traffic). He never asks me a question other than how much I paid for something! So I think you’re right. Stop trying to engage him. You can’t make him do anything. His brain doesn’t work that way.

If you ask him to research where he would like to go on holiday, is there a danger that could backfire? Like he researches it and feels pleased he’s been able to do as asked and offers his input, but then what he’s come up with is totally unsuitable and the kids would hate going there. Would he feel like he’d done as asked and yet you and the kids had rubbished his efforts and said “oh no, we don’t want to go to [unsuitable place]”. I’m just worried he might take your suggestion of researching up and then come up with a turkey of an idea and you’d feel obliged to “reward” him engaging by agreeing to do it, if you see what I mean. Not that I’m saying you shouldn’t ask for his input, just wondering how to pre-empt him coming up with a terrible idea..?

Thanks for the kind words Busty, much appreciated!

No problem talking about why I’m still here (good to remind myself sometimes lol)

Mainly it’s because I’m not really sure how it helps me if I move out (on my own of course without the kids) in the vague hope that I meet the woman of my dreams and live happily ever after. What if I’m there after 2 years not having met anyone, I see the kids every other weekend. I don’t think that would work for me.

Also there’s the money side, it’s not such a big deal but a consideration for sure X