Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

Yes many couples still have sex often then. But many couples don’t anymore.

True. But that's irrelevant if one of the partners is still very much wanting it.

Yes he could separate but what are his chances to find someone he loves, that he is truly happy with (which sounds like is the case with the DW) AND can have sex with? I mean I’m pretty sure he’ll find sex if he wants to, but the rest?

I don't know actually. I saw a video some years ago on YT by a relationship expert who said the chances of finding true love increase as you get older as opposed to younger. Much more so after 40. I imagine 40/50/60 year olds have less time to waste, have seen a bit of life, made all the big mistakes, and know what they want. Certainly going by all the dreadful catfish stories there are plenty of older/mid-life women wanting to feel desired and wanting committment, affection, sex.

I actually don't think the OP would necessarily find it too difficult to meet and find another woman. The fear of change though, is another matter. And after being in a sexless relationship for decades your sense of self and your desirability has probably taken a severe beating. That might affect confidence in feeling able to leave and attract other people.

But after thinking about this a bit more and reading the further replies, I conclude that staying is effectively it's a refusal to accept the marriage is over.

If were decades of emotional unavailability we were talking about, most everyone would think it best to leave. I find there's a weird thing about sex that ring fences it from legitimacy as a reason to walk away for many.

If it* were

Also I'm not sure whom is whom with the OP - the DW or the DH

You have conflated not having any sexual desire with not finding your partner attractive. I was suggesting those two things are different, that is all.

@NameChangeUser183794639 i think you meant to quote me rather than @forthelifeofme

My comments were using the background of them having sex very infrequently for the last 10 years. A marriage where sex was never a frequent feature. I think it changes things a lot vs one where sex was a prominent feature.

I conclude that staying is effectively it's a refusal to accept the marriage is over.

Its an interesting conclusion that a marriage is automatically over of there is no sex.
Which is the question the OP was raising really.

But is also at odds with everyday experience. See a recent thread in Relationships where many over 50s women are not having sex anymore, relish the fact they don’t need to and they are still happily married….

Yes I did mean to quote you! Thanks for the correction.

I see what you mean. I kind of dismissed the 'ok with barely any sex for 10 years part'

But fear of change may have been part of putting up with that until it was a firm 'Never again' at which point it may have became more 'real' or 'hopeless' somehow. I agree psychology is playing a part as the difference on the face of it seems minimal.

@forthelifeofme
I don't agree with you at all.

No longer wanting sex is a form of rejection. No longer being able to have sex is not.

These are a universe apart.

Looking at statistics, it seems 1/3 of couples over 50 dont have sex.
https://www.relate.org.uk/get-help/over-quarter-relationships-are-sexless

And the thread I was referring to
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5153862-how-old-were-you-when-you-stopped-having-sex

So in answer to the OP, yes you can have a sexless marriage that is working.

I personally think intimacy (cuddles, small touches, kiss) are still important though and should be there even if there is no sex.

@biglipslittleblips where does it leave menopausal women who see their libido been killed?
Is it not wanting to have sex or is it being unable to have sex?

@Dollybantree

This is the problem. No one wants to separate because both love each other. Both love the company of each other and the life they have together. Both prefer life together than not together.

But one yearns to have a physical relationship. The other doesn't want one.

It's a catch22. Choose to stay together because life is better together than not so therefore gave to live with a never to be resolved yearning and lacking of a physical relationship

The fear is how this will affect the relationship in 5...10 years time.

@ComingBackHome

it sounds like the dh is struggling atm because the dw told him that was it. But he has already lived for about 10 years with ‘very infrequent sex’ so I assume a few times a year at most.

So what’s the difference between now and then?

Having sex. Albeit infrequently was a universe away from never having sex again

Im wondering if the stumbling block is basically psychological aka facing the fact it won’t happen whereas before he had a hope iyswim.
Yes absolutely. Hope. Not being completely rejected. Knowing there will be moments of physical intimacy even if sporadic made it do-able.

Im also wondering how comfortable the DW is around intimacy and if he would be happy with more of that, knowing it will never lead to sex (and wont pressurise the DW).

Not comfortable with sex. Never has been. No abuse in childhood. Just never really enjoyed sex a whole lot but didn't hate it. Just didn't see the point. Feels now that it's just yucky

Tbh they are in their 50s.
Yes many couples still have sex often then. But many couples don’t anymore.
Yes he could separate but what are his chances to find someone he loves, that he is truly happy with (which sounds like is the case with the DW) AND can have sex with? I mean I’m pretty sure he’ll find sex if he wants to, but the rest?

No desire to split

Maybe the DH needs counselling around that in his own. And maybe counselling together too to keep the communication lines open and be fully comfortable about the way forward.
Yes. But all the therapy in the world isn't going to quell libido or yearning for something that is never going to happen.

Feel like it's just a hopeless circle

Look, in this case, the wife doesn't seem to give a shit, that what she's doing is making her DH unhappy. That's what jumps out at me.

Me and DH had a few years, where sex was way less frequent, than I would have liked, as his libido was low. The difference is that he didn't want me to be unhappy, so he tried a range of supplements, until he found some that really boosted his libido, and gave him maintainable erections. We got back on track. And we are 55 & 52 - sex still very important to us.

It's wholly unfair to just take sex off the table, with an "oh well" attitude. It shows that she doesn't really care a jot about her DH's unhappiness. The DH may not want to cheat, but after several years of this, I suspect that all that will be needed is the perfect storm : imagine.....office party, alcohol consumed, a woman flirting with the DH, making him feel less of a husk, giving him some much needed attention, and then Boom, before you know it, the DH's ego is stroked and he starts to get sexual feelings back that have been long buried.

Long story short, if you're neglecting your DH in the bedroom, don't be surprised if someone else ends up turning his head.

@Dollybantree

If my dh didn’t want it any more and made it clear he’d shut up shop forever I think I’d be asking him for an open relationship. If he said no I’d have to rethink whether I was content with no sex/intimacy for the rest of my life. I don’t think I would be.
But he loves the very bones of her
Can not contemplate not being with her. But nonetheless yearns to have physical intimacy
Feel broken

@ComingBackHome

But is also at odds with everyday experience. See a recent thread in Relationships where many over 50s women are not having sex anymore, relish the fact they don’t need to and they are still happily married….
But are their husbands happily married. Or in this terrible position of adoring the dw but desperate because they will never again have physical intimacy?

The study states that 'sexless' means 'fewer than 10 times a year'.
So not sexless in an absolute sense.

They haven't separated zero sex with 10x a year sex. I could cope with 10x a year sex

Why are you being so cagey about whether you are the husband or the wife?

Okay so you're the wife?

Maybe you like DH as a friend, but not as a lover?

I could not shag ExH for any amount of money. Current DH, I could easily shag daily, because he turns me on.

Maybe it's time to split?

But DW gives a shit as you put it overall in the relationship.

Cares, kind and compassionate when dh is stressed at work. Gentle. Caring overall. Just no interest in anything^^ physical. Some cuddling when watching a movie maybe. Or wants a foot massage.

Nope. Doomed.

I think most people have figured it out. I just know the replies are very different when it is a man vs a woman writing. I wanted people to be objective.

Both love the very essence of each other. Don't don't don't want to split. Just with dh libido would evaporate. But as that isn't controllable are stuck in catch 22

There are other ways to maintain bond without sex. But both parties would have to be happy like that.

If one doesn't want sex and the other does then it's just a matter of time before the relationship breaks down in most cases. Regular sexual contact is a deal-breaker for me. Penetrative or otherwise. If it was just taken off the table then I'd leave.

Neither wants to split
Both LOVE each other
Both are caring and kind to each other albeit in a passionless but gentle way
DW never really sexual
Both know they will never find another whom they like^^ as much as each other

DH just sick with yearning at times. So so sad will never have physical intimacy ever again.
No naked touching. DW doesn't even really look at DH naked body. Just not a speck of physical interest. But not repulsed because will hug

I read it the way it was intended.

Which feeds back into the point that if there is no sex and BOTH parties are ok with it then what's the problem? If one party has an issue with it, because they consider it to be an important part of a relationship then that is going to potentially be an end to a relationship. Neither party has a right to impose unilateral conditions on a relationship.