Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

I wouldn’t stay with no sex and I’m mid fifties and a woman.

It’s bound to lead to cheating. I would lay my cards on the table so my leaving wouldn’t come as a shock. Being open and honest is the only way.

At one point in our marriage (I'm a man) we had a physical/health issue that prevented us from having sex (I was about 30 at the time), at that point we didn't know if it would be temporary or permanent. I was happy to stay whatever, I love my wife, I would never have quit my marriage.

I assumed that if one person had a sex drive and the other didn't then the obvious solution would be masturbation rather than going to a sex worker etc. but maybe I'm just a weirdo.

No not a weirdo, just a different preference and one that suits you personally. Everyone's different.

OP's original question of can it last has had loads of different answers/opinions and real life experiences posted but the 'correct' one I guess is 'nobody knows'.

I was going to ask the same.

Menopause made sex very painful for me and I had no sex drive.
HRT helped.
But as I posted previously, DH can't have sex anyway now

It's a difficult one for sure.
I've been with my partner 4 years, and for the first three, there was no sex, kissing or physical affection, due to him being shut down from MH conditions, the meds he took for said condition, and to some degree i think fear of bonding in that way incase i left him like his ex did. Yes, i got frustrated, as he'd happily "banter" about sex with our mutual friends, including mentioning incidences from his previous relationships, but i'd never had that side of him. I was actually a virgin who hadn't even been kissed before, he's my first real partner. (I was 31 when we got together)
We had a couple of talks about it during that third year, and eventually he mustered the courage to ask for something sexual, when he felt he was ready.

We now have a healthy sexual relationship, but i have thought about what if he closes up again, as he is looking to change meds and it can be a side effect to lose libido.
Leaving him in those 3 years never once crossed my mind, i was content enough with the emotional side of the relationship, but thats partly because i'd never had the physical side. As for now, i'm 99% sure i could go back to sexless, and be okay discreetly taking care of my own needs now and then, but i am very much a need love to have sex type, so i couldn't just get a friend with benefits or have casual encounters, not that i could ever cheat.

Could the DH in this case look in to sex toys to add a bit of variety to self care? There is quite a range out there, and some of the pricier ones are basically a model of the thighs, genitals and buttocks to look like a real person, and can be used in positions to simulate an actual partner, or even a full on doll. It might be a bit more fulfilling than a lifetime of just self hand jobs, but is also not cheating.

@AlmostAJillSandwich said
"Could the DH in this case look in to sex toys to add a bit of variety to self care? There is quite a range out there, and some of the pricier ones are basically a model of the thighs, genitals and buttocks to look like a real person, and can be used in positions to simulate an actual partner, or even a full on doll. It might be a bit more fulfilling than a lifetime of just self hand jobs, but is also not cheating."

There's a lot more to sex than just getting one's rocks off though? That scenario just sounds a bit meh to me.

What one can miss most is the intimacy, the build up, the longing, the feelings of being desired / of wanting. The final physical act can sometimes just be the cherry on the top.
I read a great statement (sorry I can recall where, maybe Esther Perel?) that said foreplay starts from the end of of the last orgasm. Foreplay isn't always about touching the right bits just beforehand.
What it means is that the actual release isn't necessarily what it's all about.

It's that that has been lost in the OP's marriage and it's unlikely to be replaced with foot rubs, the odd hug and the feeling of safety that a good long term partnership tends to be.

"What one can miss most is the intimacy, the build up, the longing, the feelings of being desired / of wanting. The final physical act can sometimes just be the cherry on the top.
I read a great statement (sorry I can recall where, maybe Esther Perel?) that said foreplay starts from the end of of the last orgasm. Foreplay isn't always about touching the right bits just beforehand.
What it means is that the actual release isn't necessarily what it's all about.
It's that that has been lost in the OP's marriage and it's unlikely to be replaced with foot rubs, the odd hug and the feeling of safety that a good long term partnership tends to be."

I agree with this.

Shut up.

It's her body and if she doesn't want sex anymore, then she doesn't have to have sex anymore. Not wanting to is an extremely valid reason, take your sexist bullshit elsewhere.

Testosterone is prescribed to women with low libido

No interest in looking at ways to boost libido. Very content to just never face sex again. Never really loved it. Probably accepted it as she thought it was what one does.
Unlikely anything would increase it as it wasn't much there to begin with.
DH thought he would be ok with not much sex as they both are so happy together in all other ways. But it's become increasingly difficult

But you never had to find out how you really would have coped if it had turned into years and was forever.
Imagining it isn't the same

Unfortunately according to a lot of friends it doesn't work for a lot of women. Sex is in the head not the genitals for a lot of women. Seemingly it isn't very successful.

Thats not the point though. Once you have 'laid your cards on the table' (so to speak) how do you know that any subsequent sex is because of the ultimatum rather than any new found desire. I would assume that most people (I know there are some that don't) want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with them, rather than it just being a transactional activity.

Quote @biglipslittleblips "

No interest in looking at ways to boost libido. Very content to just never face sex again. Never really loved it. Probably accepted it as she thought it was what one does.
Unlikely anything would increase it as it wasn't much there to begin with.
DH thought he would be ok with not much sex as they both are so happy together in all other ways. But it's become increasingly difficult"

But it's becoming increasingly difficult.

There it is. The statement of intent.
It's like the very beginning of 'The script'. Lots of threads here on MN refer to The Script.
So my answer to the original question still stands. Nobody knows .. but i still am not 100% on who is posting here . DH or DW?

If it's the DH, he's at the end of his tether and is facing a physical temptation but conflicted. The body is yearning but the brain is saying 'no, don't be daft look what you could lose'.

Or it's the DW looking for validation from MN that the safety, love and good things are enough to keep the DH happy within a celibate relationship but has fears that he may step outside (secretly) as she knows he's struggling with it.

It is the DH posting

Not quite sure what you want, OP. You say you're both very happy together etc and don't want to cheat etc. So then why post here?

You seem to be looking for validation for your feelings. I'd say it's a automatically an unhealthy situation if you need Mumsnet to say it's ok to feel what you feel.

@Sugarcoldturkey plenty of people post on MN to get thoughts/opinions/reassurance or a kick up the arse. Or validation. Or to howl into the void.

Whether you are the man or the woman in a sexless marriage, you probably don’t have many IRL people to talk to about it, as many friends and family will have known you both for years. Plus it’s private.

I could live without PIv but if I still loved and desired the man, would still want hugs, kisses, touching & oral sex.

I think OP (assuming he is the DH) could also live with this.

The issue is that the DW doesn’t have any sexual desire any more (for him/in general) and she is happy with that as a status quo. So their contact can be close eg foot rubs but is non-sexual.

Yes, Mumsnet is great and posting helps a lot of people.

I just mean that if the OP is perfectly happy with his DW, then he wouldn't be posting.

The fact that he is here on MN is a sign that he's not as accepting of the situation as his words suggest.

In which case, the fact that his marriage is sexless means that it might not last even though for some couples it can be fine.

Ah, yes, I see.

No, acceptance is definitely not coming across in his posts! More a quiet despair and that he wants to be able to accept it but he can’t make his peace with it.

Quiet despair is a good description

Want the despair to go away

This jumped out at me too.

And I think the OP is the husband, for the record.

OP - to me it’s coming across like you possibly care for your DW more than she does you. You need to tell her how difficult this is for you and that you still want intimacy. She sounds quite selfish, it’s about what she wants without taking your feelings and needs into consideration.

You’re clearly not ok with it even now and are struggling - how are you going to feel in a year or two with no sex? You’ll be like a ticking time bomb.

It's a forum and OP asked for opinions. Opinions are based on personal experience and are not universal. I don't know why you're being difficult.

How am I being difficult?