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Original poster

Will a sexless marriage last

191 replies

biglipslittleblips · 08/10/2024 15:58

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

OP posts:
since1986 · 08/10/2024 22:51

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 16:11

I think there is a difference between unable and unwilling here.

What, like ones the result of prostatectomy and the other is rape?

NameChangeUser183794639 · 08/10/2024 22:57

Deargodletitgo · 08/10/2024 22:17

A discreet affair on the side has kept many a marriage together, especially for men who can have sex without emotional connection

Doubtless that's true, but it's hugely ironic that the partner who closes shop gets to continue in the marriage 'happily' because their partner is literally using someone else's vagina. Whether it's a prostitute - then we're adding exploitation in the mix - or some poor woman or guy who is only there for sexual relief. Vile really. Leave the marriage.

Also don't you face the constant threat of your partner falling in love with the other woman? Regular sex is quite bonding. Who wants to live with anxiety like that? And hasn't adding a third 'shadow person' irreversibly changed the marriage anyway? It's hardly what you signed up to at the altar!

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 23:59

since1986 · 08/10/2024 22:51

What, like ones the result of prostatectomy and the other is rape?

Show quote history

What the hell? No! You have a very sick mind. Please read the rest of the thread. Not a single person is proposing anyone should have sex if they don’t want to.

since1986 · 09/10/2024 00:19

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 23:59

What the hell? No! You have a very sick mind. Please read the rest of the thread. Not a single person is proposing anyone should have sex if they don’t want to.

Show quote history

No, you need to choose better wording.

Elizo · 09/10/2024 00:21

It would likely end unless they are over 70, then maybe ok. Had a friend in this situation, it ended in the end

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/10/2024 00:23

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 17:20

A situation where your DP finds you very attractive but is unable to have sex is very different to a DP who just doesn’t fancy you any more.

But obviously it’s unique for every couple.

Edited

It really isn’t.The physical yearning and frustration isn’t any the less because it is rooted in inability or impossibility. the only difference is that the deprived partner doesnt have to resent the deprivation, because it isn’t inevitable.

DadJoke · 09/10/2024 00:27

How you jumped from someone being unwilling to have sex to rape is entirely in your mind. It’s disturbing and sordid, and I won’t engage with you further.

DadJoke · 09/10/2024 00:32

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 09/10/2024 00:23

It really isn’t.The physical yearning and frustration isn’t any the less because it is rooted in inability or impossibility. the only difference is that the deprived partner doesnt have to resent the deprivation, because it isn’t inevitable.

Show quote history

I agree that the frustration is the same, but your “only difference” is the vital one in some cases. If your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you because they don’t find you physically attractive, there may get well be a different outcome to your relationship than if they are unable to have sex anymore. Can you see that?

2kbak · 09/10/2024 00:42

The DW has unilaterally made this permanent decision (in the absence of medical problems) and that is the root of the problem. I suppose it depends on how the DH can cope with that. A permanent physical rejection for no apparent reason could erode his self esteem and also could lead him to change his views on cheating. I think the DW in this situation has behaved quite badly - rather than saying that she has no libido and maybe looking into helping that situation because it seriously impacts her spouse, she has condemned her spouse to a life of celibacy. That is quite selfish. And there will be a price to pay - whether that is the DH cheating, or him being faithful but dying inside due to the permanent rejection for no given reason. Obviously it’s different if one partner is ill. The other partner may miss the sex, but they won’t have to deal with a rejection that they don’t understand.

forthelifeofme · 09/10/2024 07:31

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 17:15

There is no misogyny here. If a man says to his wife - I no longer want to have sex with you, there are different criteria than if he has a stroke and is unable to. If the husband doesn’t want to have sex because he does not find his wife attractive any more, for example - that’s different.

Under no circumstances should anyone who doesn’t want to have sex, have sex..

Both can still end the relationship, but it is very different. Can you see that?

Edited
Show quote history

There is no difference. People don’t choose to lose their sexual desire. It’s just gone.

If you think you are entitled to be angry with a woman who does not have sex with you as she has no desire for that sex, then yes you are a misogynist. It’s absolutely disgusting to think that just because a woman can mechanically have sex, you are entitled to be angry that she refuses to submit herself to this.

So no, there is no difference.

I did in real life know a man who thought like you. He absolutely was a misogynist. Viewed women entirely in terms of the function he wanted them to play in his life. He thought he was a good, progressive thinking man. He wasn’t.

So yes, misogynists think like you do.

forthelifeofme · 09/10/2024 07:43

raydavis · 08/10/2024 21:47

I agree with the response to this.

The difference between being unable and unwilling is massive IMO.

As per my post below, my exDP was unwilling/uninterested. Wasn't willing to see a dr, get hormones tested, deal with depression & stress etc. The attitude of "I'm happy not having sex so I've decided it's not an issue" was incredibly selfish. Like my needs didn't matter.

Being physically unable to is different as there isn't the selfish element and it's out of their control. I also don't think I'd feel as unattractive and unsexy if my ex had been physically unable due to illness.

I had countless posts under my previous username and most woman supported my view and were encouraging me to leave and agreeing about the impact on self esteem and the impact of constant rejection. Yet as soon as a man posts the same scenario is flamed and accusing someone of expecting sex when the other partner doesn't want it.

There are no circumstances at all where it would be right to pressure anyone of either sex to be intimate if they don't want to. But I don't think it's fair for one partner to expect the other to happily remain in a sexless relationship

Show quote history

No one should stay in a relationship they are unhappy in, and being unhappy due to lack of sex is a valid reason to end a relationship.

But the person not having sex is not selfish. They just don’t have desire. Just as someone with depression is not selfishly refusing to be happy. Just because you can’t see a physical cause for something, it doesn’t mean it’s not real. And doesn’t mean the person is choosing it.

At a time of great stress I lost my desire to eat, to the point I was dangerously losing weight, and dropped into the underweight category of BMI. I realised I needed to force myself to eat, but found it incredibly difficult. I remember near gagging as I forced small amounts of food into me.

Do you really want sex with someone doing the sexual equivalent of that with you? Because that is what you are wanting them to do, and resentful at them for not doing.

Sethera · 09/10/2024 07:45

Only if both are happy with the decision.

forthelifeofme · 09/10/2024 07:54

DadJoke · 08/10/2024 23:59

What the hell? No! You have a very sick mind. Please read the rest of the thread. Not a single person is proposing anyone should have sex if they don’t want to.

Show quote history

No but you are saying people should resent those who won’t force themselves to have sex they don’t want to have.

You can’t both say its your position that it’s ok to resent people for not having sex they have no desire for, and also say but they shouldn’t have that sex if they don’t want to have it.

Either you respect people’s right not to have sex they have no desire for or you don’t.

People don’t chose to lose their desire for sex any more than they chose to lose a desire for food. It just happens.

aCatCalledFawkes · 09/10/2024 08:06

I guess it depends on the couple. If it’s just no sex but there is still physical affection and different ways of showing it I think it could be ok. Although it may raise questions about why no sex if there is still attraction?
But if it’s just reverting to being best friends i don’t know if that is enough especially if both parties want different things.
I’ve lived without sex and a partner for some of my adult life whilst being a single parent. I would probably choose to be single that in a platonic relationship.

PansyPolly · 09/10/2024 08:10

“Do you really want sex with someone doing the sexual equivalent of that with you? Because that is what you are wanting them to do, and resentful at them for not doing.”

That is the opposite of what DadJoke is saying.

Because he’s not a rapist - he would respect a no either way. However, a no because eg a spouse is unwell is much less hurtful than a no on the basis that she isn’t interested/attracted any more.

Dollybantree · 09/10/2024 08:13

biglipslittleblips · 08/10/2024 16:33

As said in my OP, the dh would very much like to have sex. No kids in the picture. Both in their 50s. Sex was never great as dw was never particularly into it but has now formally declared shop has shut for good.
But there is lots of care and compassion. A bit of platonic cuddling sometimes. Best friends.
But never going to ever be sex again. It's already been about 2 years

I think in this scenario it’s unfair of the wife to expect her husband to go without for the rest of his life. There should be a discussion about what comes next…is the dh allowed to get sex elsewhere if he’s discreet? or if the wife isn’t ok with that they need to separate unfortunately. I’m in my 40’s and dh is in his 50’s and I can’t imagine either of us being happy to go without sex anytime soon.

PansyPolly · 09/10/2024 08:21

@Dollybantree (and others who have said similar about open marriages/discreet sex) - I am a polyamorous woman and honestly, I wouldn’t want to date the DH in this situation. Too complex.

ComingBackHome · 09/10/2024 08:47

Dollybantree · 09/10/2024 08:13

I think in this scenario it’s unfair of the wife to expect her husband to go without for the rest of his life. There should be a discussion about what comes next…is the dh allowed to get sex elsewhere if he’s discreet? or if the wife isn’t ok with that they need to separate unfortunately. I’m in my 40’s and dh is in his 50’s and I can’t imagine either of us being happy to go without sex anytime soon.

Show quote history

The OP has been clear in that though.
An open marriage isn’t on the table for both of them.

And I dont think it’s a question of the DW being ‘unfair’. Saying that is saying she is responsible and somehow doing something wrong. That’s not the case. There are many reasons why a woman libido dips at this age (peri and menopause!). She is allowed to not want sex.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 09/10/2024 08:54

The rejection would to be much for me, plus I need physical intimacy. I think you need to take her for what she is saying your best friends only, no sex. It's sad but maybe it's time to move on.

Karatema · 09/10/2024 08:56

I know a DH in this situation and the DH definitely goes to another woman for his needs. It may only be once or twice a year but the DH needs the sex.
The "other" woman is in a similar situation to the DH.
They are fond of each other but would not leave their own partners.

ComingBackHome · 09/10/2024 08:57

@biglipslittleblips it sounds like the dh is struggling atm because the dw told him that was it. But he has already lived for about 10 years with ‘very infrequent sex’ so I assume a few times a year at most.

So what’s the difference between now and then?

Im wondering if the stumbling block is basically psychological aka facing the fact it won’t happen whereas before he had a hope iyswim.

Im also wondering how comfortable the DW is around intimacy and if he would be happy with more of that, knowing it will never lead to sex (and wont pressurise the DW).

Tbh they are in their 50s.
Yes many couples still have sex often then. But many couples don’t anymore.
Yes he could separate but what are his chances to find someone he loves, that he is truly happy with (which sounds like is the case with the DW) AND can have sex with? I mean I’m pretty sure he’ll find sex if he wants to, but the rest?

Maybe the DH needs counselling around that in his own. And maybe counselling together too to keep the communication lines open and be fully comfortable about the way forward.

stealthninjamum · 09/10/2024 09:00

I feel a bit sorry for the dh. I know the dw can’t help it but it would be incredibly frustrating for me if dp announced the end of our sex life (we’re both in our fifties). We don’t live together so from a practical level it would be easier to end the relationship than if we were married but I would be tempted to leave and look for someone else. In my experience it’s easier to be single and have no sex life than in a relationship because you’re not laying in bed next to a partner you desire every night.

Macaroni46 · 09/10/2024 09:01

@Dollybantree
"
I think in this scenario it’s unfair of the wife to expect her husband to go without for the rest of his life. There should be a discussion about what comes next…is the dh allowed to get sex elsewhere if he’s discreet? or if the wife isn’t ok with that they need to separate unfortunately. I’m in my 40’s and dh is in his 50’s and I can’t imagine either of us being happy to go without sex anytime soon."

I agree. But on MN if the woman doesn't want sex then the partner just has to accept it.
Obviously no one should feel pressured to have sex but an open and honest discussion needs to happen. The wife needs to accept that extra marital sex or separation may happen.

Dollybantree · 09/10/2024 09:19

ComingBackHome · 09/10/2024 08:47

The OP has been clear in that though.
An open marriage isn’t on the table for both of them.

And I dont think it’s a question of the DW being ‘unfair’. Saying that is saying she is responsible and somehow doing something wrong. That’s not the case. There are many reasons why a woman libido dips at this age (peri and menopause!). She is allowed to not want sex.

Show quote history

I agree she’s entitled to not want it and should in no way be coerced or made to feel bad but it’s unrealistic to expect your dh who is still relatively young to go without sex for the next 20 years or so. If my dh didn’t want it any more and made it clear he’d shut up shop forever I think I’d be asking him for an open relationship. If he said no I’d have to rethink whether I was content with no sex/intimacy for the rest of my life. I don’t think I would be.

It’s a very difficult situation but I don’t think either person is wrong for feeling the way they do. Personally I don’t think someone who refuses their partner sex can justifiably be that upset if it turns out they are having their needs met elsewhere. That’s the reality I’m afraid.

DadJoke · 09/10/2024 11:22

forthelifeofme · 09/10/2024 07:31

There is no difference. People don’t choose to lose their sexual desire. It’s just gone.

If you think you are entitled to be angry with a woman who does not have sex with you as she has no desire for that sex, then yes you are a misogynist. It’s absolutely disgusting to think that just because a woman can mechanically have sex, you are entitled to be angry that she refuses to submit herself to this.

So no, there is no difference.

I did in real life know a man who thought like you. He absolutely was a misogynist. Viewed women entirely in terms of the function he wanted them to play in his life. He thought he was a good, progressive thinking man. He wasn’t.

So yes, misogynists think like you do.

Show quote history

Who said anything about being angry or “submitting” to anything? This is all stuff you are coming up with - it’s not from me. You know nothing about me at all, and you are projecting.

If you partner does not want to have sex with you because they no longer find you attractive, the affect on the relationship is likely to be different if you have entirely lost your sex drive or are physically unable to have sex. In neither case, and I can’t emphasise this enough, is a partner going to expect to have sex.

This is true whether the person concerned is a man who has had a stroke or a woman.

Stop projecting.