Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

Her wording was fine. You need to stop showing your imagined superiority by being judgmental of people for no reason and manipulating them into thinking they are guilty of something that they're not. It really doesn't make you a better person, quite opposite.

I agree with this. It sounds like 'Put up, shut up'. Her decision was made on her own without discussion on an important aspect of the relationship. That's not how marriages should work

It is so hard.....I left my marriage, no sex,

See so many affairs, people who want to stay married but are struggling without sex.

These wifes need to realise what teir actions may lead too

If you are both willing, some psychosexual counselling might help - it's generally available through your GP. Both parties have to be willing, however.

These are the choices available if that doesn't work:

1. Live without sex for the rest of your life.
2. Divorce.
3. Have an affair.
4. Open the marriage.

None of these are great. One is a betrayal.

If anyone is interested, in 62% of sexless marriages, it's the woman's choice; in 32%, the man's. This excludes marriages where both parties are happy with it.

@Dollybantree
But DW IS very loving. Just not in any physically intimate way.

All the other areas of life where one shows love are present and in abundance.

If anyone is interested, in 62% of sexless marriages, it's the woman's choice; in 32%, the man's. This excludes marriages where both parties are happy with it.

That is interesting, thanks, @DadJoke - was that a UK study?

@PansyPolly I'm afraid it was self-selected and US based.
What Are The Sexless Marriage Statistics? | by Michael Forman | Medium

There is a really good longitudinal study here:
Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey - PMC (nih.gov)

Fault on both sides. Hers for 'going through the motions' to gain other benefits of a relationship. His most definitely for continuing to have sex with someone who he knew didn't particularly like it from the beginning. When you think about it, that constitutes years worth of sexual coercion- let that sink in.
You have to be a certain kind of man, with a certain attitude to ignore that a woman isn't into sex and be doing it anyway, a man who is self-righteous, and makes it all about his wants. Then there is the man who wouldn't go there, so the relationship ended years ago before getting off the ground- more a normal outcome. So yea, I'd say finding yourself in a sexless relationship, for this particular reason, is not that common thankfully.
DW doesn't want to be coerced anymore and has got the total ick from years of 'duty sex'. DH didn't care how the sex was given as long as he got some along the way - bit grim really.

Yeah why would you want to have sex with someone you actively knew didn't enjoy it at the beginning? Did she pretend she did?

Young. Inexperienced. No obvious reason to think there was any reluctance. Both parties sort of getting on with things and not really communicating about things. Trying to have a child so intention to have sex

OP, I think it would be helpful if you confirmed at this point that you are the DH (or not!) and posted as such - avoiding being specific makes your posts quite hard to read and hopefully you have had enough feedback that initial concerns about bias are allayed.

Oh right, so she faked it to get a child then just switched off. I didn't realise libido can just disappear like that, think she may need to see doctor/gp for some advice. I can't ever imagine just waking up one day and never wanting sex again. Hope you manage to both find a way to be happy with the situation.

"Oh right, so she faked it to get a child then just switched off"

That is not what OP said and it is a harsh interpretation!

Not sure if it applies here, but going through IVF, fertility testing etc can be a massive strain on seeing sex as an enjoyable and intimate act, which can have a permanent impact.

@PansyPolly maybe, there isn't much detail to go really go on, just wife declared no more sex. No rational and he seems scared to ask wife what next?! That this isn't what he expected the future to look like.

Just have sex with someone else. Framing it as ‘cheating’ or ‘being unfaithful’ is silly, in the circumstances. Have an adult conversation, discuss what you feel and need and come up with a mutually satisfactory solution.

Decades of enforced celibacy is not a reasonable expectation. If the DW doesn’t want to have sex, but also refuses to countenance the DH having sec with anyone else, she’s BU. That’s not love.

There are 20 posts from OP and he (TBC) seems very affectionate towards DW - I don't think he would be if he felt it was fake all along. But YMMV.

@ThatTealViewer who is the someone else that the DH should 'just have sex with'?

That’s entirely up to him (and the other person). That’s probably the simplest part of all this. Sex honestly isn’t that hard to come by.

No intentional faking no. Can't really remember as it's been a long time but at the beginning it was just something that happened every week or so. I can't even remember how we started it or who said what. Just that it did happen. But there was so much other stuff happening. Giddy with happiness to have met someone so nice and compatible. Having so much fun. Doing things together. Sharing our lives. You know. All the stuff that happens at the beginning of a relationship in your 20s.
Then it progressed to trying for a child. So it continued I guess with some joint goal. Then when we decided it wasn't happening and that we were ok without kids it slowed down and then there was a growing sense of 'oh if we must' so it stopped. Because no one wants that from either side.
Then the announcement that DW was done with that sort of thing.
So here we are. It's been a couple of years of no sex. Maybe close to 2.5 years. The announcement came maybe a year ago but we'd already stopped because no one wants sex when the other person isn't interested. So it stopped organically. And then intentionally and with finality.

DH does NOT want to get sex elsewhere. DH is just stuck as he doesn't want to get sex elsewhere but desperately wants sexual intimacy. There is no solution

The only solution is DW wanting sex or DH losing his libido

That's really hard on both you, maybe this all stems from trying for a baby. Hope she can open up to you about what's going on.

There isn't anything to open up about as far as DW is concerned. 'Dead down there' is the description. Zilch interest in sex ever again. Don't have any interest in investigating something that was never particularly important in the first place

But it's important to you, OP, and so even if only for that reason should be important to her.

Imo she should at least do the basic getting hormones tested etc.

Oh gosh 😬 well there's loads of great sex toys on the market which might help you initially if you're not already invested. But doubt it will really fulfill your needs going forward. Also my self esteem would be totally crushed if my other half said he was dead down there, not sure that is love or very kind.

I'm starting to wonder what you were hoping to hear from Mumsnet posters, OP?

Did you, as someone suggested earlier, want permission to go ahead and find an FWB, affair or sex worker?

Whether or not that has the case, if the situation is exactly as you describe it, no-one on this thread can help your DW regain a libido, or help you come to terms with not having a sexual relationship in marriage.

Posters have been thoughtful and generous throughout this thread with suggestions, some for you and some for your wife. A lot of these ideas seem to be shut down right away in your replies.

That said, even to explore any of the ideas suggested depends on you talking to each other openly and honestly (with or without the help of a relationship or psychosexual counsellor).

You've not indicated as far as I can see whether you and your DW are communicating currently and in depth about this whole subject.

If not, why not?

Does she know about your post? Would you tell her so she can see the responses people are offering? I wonder, would she agree with your take on the whole situation as per your posts? Would she be able to decipher what you were hoping to get from responders?