Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

Because if it’s a man the poor bloke will be lambasted.

I’m a woman, I’m post menopausal.
If my dh rejected me sexually I would leave.
I would sooner live a celibate life as a single person than as the rejected person in a relationship.

So question is I guess, how does libido work. Will DHs libido go away anytime soon?

The difference is that he didn't want me to be unhappy, so he tried a range of supplements, until he found some that really boosted his libido, and gave him maintainable erections

Male and female libido work very differently.
You can easily increase male libido by increasing testosterone levels (hence erection been back).
Ive yet to see supplement that make a difference in female libido tbh. Hormones like HRT can improve sex (eg lubrication, pain). But if there is no desire, I’m not aware of anything making a difference for women

(Plus I’m not sure it’s the issue with the OP’s DW anyway)

Not necessarily. Men and women can have a libido, to.a greater or lesser extent until their time is up.

Do you think it will still be the case when you are 60? Or 70, 80yo?

Can dh stay faithful? Yes. Will dh be truly happy? Doubtful.

I agree with pp that deep resentment can arise.

It causes soul-deep misery for some people to be obliged to stay celibate- when they desperately want the physical love and intimacy from sex, what can replace it really? A cuddle on the sofa is nice, but I can get that from the cat.

Sex is one thing I’m ONLY allowed to have with my partner. So there is porn, toys, etc for a sexual release. But the function of sex in a relationship is so much more than just getting your rocks off.

There needs to be a lot of gratitude, humility, kindness and compassion from the partner imposing celibacy on a non-celibate partner. I think it is a big sacrifice to ask someone to make

But if he isn't happy with no sex in the relationship, she blatantly doesn't give a shit. You DO see that, don't you?

I couldn't put up with no sex, no matter how much I loved the other person. It's an absolute deal breaker.

@biglipslittleblips if my dp refused sex but expected a foot massage, I’d serve the divorce papers next day. how utterly selfish.

Is DW fully post menopausal and has she ever had HRT? Hormone levels have certainly affected my libido at various times.

Does she want to explore why it has changed from lowish to no libido?

We’re both 67 so who knows.
I used to listen to female colleagues talking about their lack of interest in sex and remember being astonished at 50 year old women deciding unilaterally to withdraw sex.
I do think a lot of older men have high blood pressure which the medication reduces libido, probably fortuitous timing for some dw’s.
Fortunately my dh has normal bp.

It's individual. That's the problem.

Sexless wouldn't be for me and was part reason of my marriage ending. We live once and to me it is fundamental to a relationship and my happiness. I appreciate others feel different.

I am very lucky to have a similar mindset partner. We have both came from similar first marriages.

Should a medical reason occur we have discussed wanting to ensure the others needs are met. Sex can involve many forms

He's your friend. That's all he is. And you say you love him, but I'm not sure you love him as much as you think, or you would try anything to stop his pain.

You're in your 50's, not your 80's, so please don't use age as an excuse.

You don't see him as a lover, or a husband in the traditional sense.

I'd wager that your libido would come bouncing back, if you met someone else.

I will also eat my hat, if he doesn't leave you at some point, for an OW. In NO WAY is this sustainable in the long term.

No, or at least I doubt it very much. Men can much more easily compartmentalise between love and sex than women in my experience. If he wants sex, he will eventually find it one way or another. If not, the lack of it will make him bitter.

OP: This is the problem. No one wants to separate because both love each other. Both love the company of each other and the life they have together. Both prefer life together than not together.
But one yearns to have a physical relationship. The other doesn't want one.
It's a catch22. Choose to stay together because life is better together than not so therefore gave to live with a never to be resolved yearning and lacking of a physical relationship

But life is not better together than not really is it? It just seems that way.

Unless you count being tortured - constantly climbing the walls, not even being able to watch a sex scene in a TV clip or movie without feeling a regretful pang, sleeping next to an object of desire but never being able to touch sexually. Allowed to touch, but not touch too much. How do you think a hug or holding hands feels knowing there is underlying rejection underneath? A constant restraint? Don't press against me with that hug too hard! Might get an unwelcome erection. So brief hugs only? They become painful over time. A constant reminder of rejection.

Your comments though sincere, have an edge of emotional manipulation to them. You have not thought seriously about what your partner is going through possibly monthly, weekly or daily. Instead you are focused on YOU, on whether they may eventually up and leave YOU. YOU are getting you love life totally fulfilled, including foot massage, hugs etc. That amount of physicality is all you need to get your 'love language hit' so you get everything in the relationship.

The reason your partner feels 'everything is great' and there's 'no other place they'd rather be', is because you have probably (not maliciously, or deliberately, granted) done a number on their self esteem over the years and their sexuality. Sorry, but that is probably true. It is impossible to go through life with constant sexual rejection by a partner and your sense of self not take a massive hit.

If you were a woman saying 'my husband has barely touched me in 10 years and now says no more sex.. but I luuurrrvvvveee him and can't ever be with anyone else' you'd be told to wake the F up by all the women on MN who are frustrated by women staying in crap relationships. But MN loses all prospective when genders are flipped.

That said, as I said earlier, if they walked of their own volition into a marriage knowing the situation in advance with regards to how the sexual situation would be then more fool them.

If you LOVE them, set them free.

You're principally asking a bunch of women if your libido will do one thing or another. We can only answer how we would feel which is not necessarily even the same from one woman to the next. So it's likely how it goes for a man, depends on the individual too.
It's actually probably quite rare in this situation, I would think, that the different wishes don't spill out into everyday life. Somehow you have maintained an otherwise loving and respectful relationship and show affection for each other in different ways.
I would think that sex probably hasn't ranked as high on your list of wants as for some people either, otherwise you would not have stayed in a relationship to the extent of getting married etc. Personally, I would not be happy about having sex with someone who was not very enthusiastic about it from the off, so it would not have got further than a short dating experience. Once knowing that the other is not that into it, the ick factor usually takes over. I say that as a woman in my 50's, but that's just me.
You don't have to make any decisions now, I think your best bet is to suck it and see. Either your libido goes or it doesn't. You may find that your resentment builds over time so it does start affecting other aspects of your relationship. At that point you might start feeling like splitting is a more palatable option. Or you might get your head turned by someone else via work or socially, so you can deal with that at the time, if it happens. If it does happen, nobody can blame you under the circumstances. Your DW could try to blame, but she would be BU, and can only look to herself if her wishes backfire.
So, do nothing, see how it goes over time, is all you are left with really.

Going from having sex to not having sex is a big change in the marriage agreement. It's like if one half of the couple wants to move to New Zealand, or one suddenly decides they don't want kids.

Sure, the DW doesn't have to have sex if she doesn't want to, everyone would agree. However, the reality is that she has changed the marriage agreement. It is therefore completely fair for the DH to want a divorce as a result.

If I were the DW I would be trying therapy, medications, yoga, food, supplements - anything and everything to try to get my libido back. If that didn't work, then I would offer my DH a divorce or an open marriage.

OP you are fooling yourself that he would rather die than cheat. The likelihood is that if he gets the opportunity he will take it and he should. Why should he live the rest of his life without sex - that's your choice not his. If you don't want to divorce for financial reasons or whatever that's fine but don't be surprised if he meets someone else and 'falls' for her. Sex keeps couples bonded.

Gross.
Sex workers are usually younger. So he would be fucking a younger woman, grim grim grim.

@sunflowersngunpowdr and a couple of other recent posters: the OP is the DH not the DW.

I Don't see anything misogynistic about this comment, it's the truth. If someone just decides they're no longer willing to have sex, their partner has every right to leave.

I’m single but that’s the only thing about I relationship I miss so it absolutely wouldn’t be for me.

I doubt it. He can suppress it emotionally I guess (and already may have been doing that the past 2 years) and sorting himself out physically but resentment may build up but not necessarily show as being directly from the lack of intimacy. It may simmer underneath and come out in other ways.

I do have a male acquaintance who was in exactly the same situation some years ago. Long marriage, best friends but she shut down and chose to be celibate about age 53 (about 23 years after meeting) . No discussion. Just stopped.

He accepted it but his libido didn't go away. It was just repressed. 4 years after he had a random 'overwhelming lust' situation with someone he met whilst away solo. It was only 4 days.
He felt huge guilt but it also awakened in him the desire etc that he'd been missing (but hadn't realised how much until that point).
Then 3 years after that event, it happened again but that time it continued. I only knew about this as he spoke to me one night (a bit drunk ) and the FWB set up that worked for him so well, was no longer what the OW was happy with. Basically he was deluded to think that she would always be happy being a secret and he could get the best of both worlds.
I know it ended as he valued his marriage more but I believe he'll do it again as he knows the 'fizz' of stepping over the other side.
Their future as a married couple? She'll no doubt find out one day when he steps outside again and again and then it blows their life apart.
I suggested talking about making their marriage open but he dismissed that out of hand as she couldn't see what the problem was. She feels her choice is the one the marriage must live by without any compromise.

If you are the DH writing this (and I think you are) you are already at breaking point (hence your post) and maybe looking for someone to say 'oh just get a FWB or pay for it, be discreet and you can have the best of both worlds' but life has a bad habit of not always going to plan.

Also I write as someone divorced after 36 years and whilst we always had a decent sex life, there were behaviours of my ex (physical and personality) that would turn me off periodically.
Now I'm 3 years out of it and my libido is off the scale with my current beau (He's not a partner in the true sense but more of a lover) and I now look back and see that often my lack of desire sometimes was actually my lack of desire for HIM not from menopause or the length of time we were together.

We were a great team, got on well bla bla bla but a bit of it was co dependency looking back. Habit. Financial goals reached together. Family ties and so on. All the good things about a strong partnership.

I'd suggest reading Esther Perel 'mating in captivity ' and 'State of affairs'. In the latter there is a chapter specifically on what if one partner decides that celibacy is the way the marriage will be and how does that affect the one who did not make that choice.
I think you'll find it helpful,

Thanks @PansyPolly - I still think he will cheat despite the "he'd rather die than cheat".

I think so to but not planned. It will just happen one day. And the guilt emotion will argue with the brain justifying it as he didn't choose enforced celibacy.
It's a story as old as time.
Everything in the marriage is always 'perfect' but there's usually a buried emotion within the one who's chosen to be celibate and that choice is almost a somatic response. It's sub conscious in a way. Like the body makes the decision the brain doesn't want to face.