Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

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If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

I think there is a difference between unable and unwilling here.

What's the difference? Either way one half of the partnership can't have sex and they can either accept celibacy or move on.

No one ever died or ended up with severe psychological trauma from not having sex. Plenty of people stay celibate for years with no adverse effects.

However, the drive for sex is deep-rooted and much stronger in some than in others. It also manifests differently in people, with some people feeling that they need sex with a partner to feel sexually fulfilled (I.e. solo sex will never be an adequate substitute).

There's no right or wrong answer here. Only the two individuals in question know how important sex is to them. No one on here can know that.

I left exh due to a sexless marriage - there were other issues but the glue of sex went and the rest died completely.

Ironically, dp has a neurological disorder that leaves him needing chemical help to kick things off and sex life is amazing, it totally grounds the relationship.

A marriage/LTR with mismatched sex drives is a recipe for disaster IMO.

There is no misogyny here. If a man says to his wife - I no longer want to have sex with you, there are different criteria than if he has a stroke and is unable to. If the husband doesn’t want to have sex because he does not find his wife attractive any more, for example - that’s different.

Under no circumstances should anyone who doesn’t want to have sex, have sex..

Both can still end the relationship, but it is very different. Can you see that?

It also depends on:

Was the DW ALWAYS not into it, even whilst dating (assuming you weren't waiting until marriage)

Did the DH know that the DW wasn't particularly keen on it before marriage?

Or was it a bait and switch situation?

If the DH knew beforehand that the DW was never really bothered about sex, but got married with eyes wide open, then I think it's not fair to make sex a condition of the marriage continuing now.

If the DW always knew she wasn't bothered about sex and made that clear, then she has more a right to expect the marriage to continue and nothing to change I guess.

Would DW agree to DH having sex outside the relationship?

How it feels is the difference.

It's like saying the difference between an extra-marital affair just being sexual or emotional

How it feels isn't universal, it depends on the person who wants sex. Irrespective, the end result is celibacy.

A situation where your DP finds you very attractive but is unable to have sex is very different to a DP who just doesn’t fancy you any more.

But obviously it’s unique for every couple.

Mine is a strange situation in that my dh's illness is mental not physical. He's completely switched off from "real life". I'm his full time carer and now simply a carer/mother figure to him. He's been like this for over 6 years now. He's totally retreated into himself. He has no interest in any type of physical affection, not even hugging me. We've been together many years and I won't walk away or abandon him and I don't want to have an affair or have sex with strangers, plus I'm with him 24 hours a day. Sex to me is about more than just "penetration", it's about closeness in a relationship and the difference between being husband and wife compared to living like brother/sister/friends. I know some people are happy without physical intimacy and it's purely a personal thing but I do feel envious of couples who still have that physical closeness, even if it's not actually penetrative sex. He's just not interested in any kind of physical intimacy.

But the ability and willingness to remain in a celibate state is determined to an extent by the circumstances inducing the celibacy.

Celibacy is the end regardless of the situation.

Living with the celibacy can be affected to an extent by the circumstances through which the celibacy has arisen.

*end result

Dh would rather kill himself than cheat. DW would definitely not be ok with him seeking sex outside the marriage.

I know it sounds ludicrous but I think this is a common situation.

Good people who love each other and don't want to not be together but one wants sex and the other doesn't. Neither wants sex outside the marriage to occur. Neither wants to split. Both care about each other.
It's a catch 22 no win situation.

Just hope that DH might stop wanting sex one day. And wondering in the meantime if this whole situation will inevitably have consequences no one wants.

Again that depends on the person who has to accept celibacy. For some, the fact celibacy is caused by an illness may make it more palatable, others may find it unacceptable and end the relationship.

Some might accept celibacy for whatever reason because they want to remain in the relationship, others will move in. It's an individual decision.

@username3678

I think there is a difference between unable and unwilling here.

What's the difference? Either way one half of the partnership can't have sex and they can either accept celibacy or move on.
The difference is that usually when someone doesn't want sex and has no interest sexually, anything remotely sexual becomes quite repulsive to them whereas when one person can't have sex they usually still find they are happy with sexual behaviours, sexual touching and sexual affection.

@NameChangeUser183794639

Was the DW ALWAYS not into it, even whilst dating (assuming you weren't waiting until marriage)

Did the DH know that the DW wasn't particularly keen on it before marriage?

Or was it a bait and switch situation?

If the DH knew beforehand that the DW was never really bothered about sex, but got married with eyes wide open, then I think it's not fair to make sex a condition of the marriage continuing now.

If the DW always knew she wasn't bothered about sex and made that clear, then she has more a right to expect the marriage to continue and nothing to change I guess.
DH knew DW was not a particularly sexual person but they did have regular sex for 10 or so years. More like once a fortnight became once a month type sex. But this was fine as they are happy together. Then it became a decade of very sporadic sex.

But then it became no sex. Then the pronouncement from DW that they had shut up shop and not going to have sex any more. When they talked about it DW sort of shrugs and say 'oh well. That's what it is now'.
But there is so much care between them. And love. Companionship. Compatibility etc.
neither wants to separate. But DH struggles with the lack of intimacy and worries that it will become worse and worse with time.
He wishes his libido would just vanish

I was shocked when someone admitted to me that they hadn’t had sex for many years, same age as me, 57. They’re both fine about it, a lovely couple, very happy. Both have to be happy with the arrangement, otherwise it just won’t work.

i know this would never work for myself and my hubby, still at it like rabbits 😝. Now we are child free there’s no restrictions and we can make noise’s again.

Which one are you? In this house it would be the end, sex is a massive part of our marriage even after 25 years

That's not necessarily true. One poster on here has spoken about her husband who doesn't initiate any intimacy at all. Someone with a chronic illness may be too uncomfortable to initiate intimacy.

In a situation where one partner wants something, but the other does not and will not provide it as an act of love, then there is a separation of desires. You can’t force your partner to do something they don’t want. That would be an egregious violation of their body and trust. (I’ve energetically channeled this whole answer because it’s what I do. Hope it’s helpful to you.) So either you can decide that you will change what’s important to you and go through the partnership with or without sex. Or you must split up. The identity of your values comes first, emotions next. You wouldn’t be honest to yourself if you want something that’s valuable to you and you never get, hoping that you will. That will inevitably lead to negativity in your relationship and you may end up splitting up over the emotions.

My ex partner and myself lived like this for just over a year! I didn't want to be intimate with him and he said he was fine with it, we had separate bedrooms for a year has well, I thought we were on the same page but I knew he was looking on porn sites etc, he wanted a romantic relationship which was understandable but I couldn't give him that so i walked away after 25 years so that he could find somebody that could.
I think partners will say they're fine with it because they don't want the relationship to change but inadvertently it does.

Potentially you both easily have 20+ years ahead of you living what is proposed to be a sexless life. That is a lot to ask of anyone and there are lots of reasons for a loss of libido.

I'd suggest relationship counselling as a first step. You both need the opportunity to explore and try to understand what's happening now before making a decision.
That said, I've been in a similar position.

Having not had sex in a marriage for probably 4 or 5 years, I was facing into continuing in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life due to my total lack of desire.

Relationship counselling helped but the conclusion during counselling was to separate (not just because of sexual incompatibility but that was a factor).
Now divorced, we both have new partners, have remained amicable and (speaking for myself!) rediscovered a very healthy sexual appetite.

It was the other way round for me.

At first I thought we could make it work as he was very caring and affectionate so I did feel loved.
However, I ended up resenting him and it ended up with me getting annoyed and snappy over the smallest thing.

It wasn't the lack of the actual act of sex. It was more the impact on my self esteem and the feeling of constant rejection.

His attitude was that he wasn't interested in regular sex (we did have it a couple of times a year) but as far as he was concerned it shouldn't be an issue as long as we loved each other. He used to say it was a small part of an overall relationship.

Ultimately it felt as if he was saying he was happy so my needs/desires didn't matter. He wasn't willing to do anything about it cos as far as he was concerned it wasn't a big deal.

I felt his attitude was quite selfish even though he knew it left me feeling rejected.

Had there been a medical issue (eg a stroke) as PP said, I wouldn't have had an issue at all. I didn't miss the physical act - I can't give myself the orgasm. It was the way the lack of interest made me feel

I agree with the response to this.

The difference between being unable and unwilling is massive IMO.

As per my post below, my exDP was unwilling/uninterested. Wasn't willing to see a dr, get hormones tested, deal with depression & stress etc. The attitude of "I'm happy not having sex so I've decided it's not an issue" was incredibly selfish. Like my needs didn't matter.

Being physically unable to is different as there isn't the selfish element and it's out of their control. I also don't think I'd feel as unattractive and unsexy if my ex had been physically unable due to illness.

I had countless posts under my previous username and most woman supported my view and were encouraging me to leave and agreeing about the impact on self esteem and the impact of constant rejection. Yet as soon as a man posts the same scenario is flamed and accusing someone of expecting sex when the other partner doesn't want it.

There are no circumstances at all where it would be right to pressure anyone of either sex to be intimate if they don't want to. But I don't think it's fair for one partner to expect the other to happily remain in a sexless relationship

A discreet affair on the side has kept many a marriage together, especially for men who can have sex without emotional connection