Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

Name change
If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

I don't know what I am wanting either tbh.

Someone coming on saying they have been in the same situation and by some miracle it all resolved. Somehow. I guess that's not realistic.

Seeking solace in someone being in the same situation maybe.

Feels hopeless.

This is a great summary of the thread and @biglipslittleblips responses.

I think OP asked twice if his desire would 'just go away one day', almost like a question to the sky (looking upwards) and , to me, it seemed it wasn't really a question, more a musing.
I'm sure OP can go to his GP and get a drug of some sort that squashes libido.
So that's the solution?

The style of OPs posts ( in the third person) and the lack of emotion in them (or the lack of writing about emotions) does indicate that there is an outpouring of stuff inside him that he can't discuss with his DW. Some are almost bullet point.

This is the fact. I can't change it. What do I do?

Then suggestions are batted away, which is fair enough as the solutions aren't palatable to him and the risk of meeting his sexual needs outside the marriage could end up blowing up a very good long term partnership.

First (bullet point!) . Talk to her about how you feel OP. It may not be that bad?

Second (after doing the first) sort out some couples counselling (as suggested earlier in the thread) and, no it won't be nicely nicely , it'll be hard but your current situation is hard so may as well.

Third; consider this. Some couples just gel and a co dependency develops ( nothing wrong with that if it works for both ) but sometimes it can become a strange situation whereby one partner (or both) sort of becomes a parent to the other. Loving, caring, emotional safety and so on.
This is a nice way to live, like existing in a safe cradle but base human desires are hard to suppress forever.

And your question raises the dilemma many face (often unknowingly).

And I do recall reading on the AME board a thread about a sex worker (willing one and independent) who write about her various client types. She mentioned several regulars who'd visit weekly who were long term married, they paid for their session and built a rapport.
She was discreet and the men 'met their physical need' albeit at a cost, and everything worked.

I think I read it maybe 18 months ago and can't find it but really OP, that is a possible solution?
Because all the others don't work.

I did note you never asked how you could ignite desire in your DW for you. And I don't think that has an answer anyway but FWIW, I feel the IVF journey may have affected her emotionally and physically more than you'll ever know.
It's really sad.

You're only mid 50's.

I know my old Dad was devastated when he had treatment for prostrate cancer and ended up with a temporary catheter.
Then this became permanent and one of his great sadnesses was knowing he wouldn't ever have a physical relationship with his long term partner again.

He was 85 at the time so desire can last forever I guess.

We didn't go the ivf route.

This must be so painful for you and must feel as though there is no good way forward. I’m so sorry. I imagine that the isolation you feel is a big part of the despair as well as the loss of intimacy and bleakness of nothing changing.

Have you spoken about this since she said ‘No more sex’? If not I really think this is your only option. At the moment you’re hoping to find solutions by yourself and none of them seem like a good prospect. I’m a big fan of ‘state of the nation’ discussions when it comes to huge issues like this. They are painful and difficult but they get everything out into the open and at least you know what you’re dealing with. You will have the opportunity to talk about how you’re feeling and the hurt caused by the decision she has made and hopefully she will be able to talk about her thoughts and feelings. You’ll
both have to be prepared to listen well and to hear some hard things so make sure that you’ve got the time and space to do this. Maybe book somewhere so that you’re taking the conversation out of the home. And try to make it blame-free and loving. Talk about how you feel rather than ‘you’ve done x,y,z’.

Once you’ve done that you can start to talk about ways forward together, and hopefully, given what you say about your relationship, you can do it all amicably and in a kind and respectful way. I hope that you will be able to make some joint decisions that will make this whole process (whatever you decide to do) easier because it is the two of you making decisions about your relationship not just you carrying the burden and not knowing what to do. Who knows, you may find a way forward that you haven’t thought of yet?
I really wish you the very best of luck.

That last sentence is a problem though.
You say she loves you very much but it not being important to her immediately trumps the fact that it is important to you and your feelings.

How much have you communicated your strength of feeling? If you’ve tried several times to discuss your wants & needs and been met with an immediate ‘well it’s tough’ response, that’s callous.
No one should feel they have to do anything they don’t want to but if she loves cares and respects you can’t she consider making an effort to explore why she feels this way and if it’s possible to change the mindset.

it’s only my opinion but humans seem to instinctually seek comfort in affection, to not even want more than an occasional hug sounds like a deeper issue with intimacy in general rather than just not liking penetrative sex…

@Looopyliz
We are in our early 50s. I doubt any amount of looking at why physical intimacy is not appealing and probably never has been is going to make DW develop a libido.

It might be healthy for DW to understand but it's not likely to change anything at this stage of life

Low libido isn't always something that can be changed surely. Some people just don't have much. And it seems that for someone with low libido because it is just how they are made, sex is a bit repulsive.

I imagine for example asexual people would find the idea of having sex unpleasant. Maybe DW is near the asexual end of the spectrum. That's not DWs fault. Nor is it something to be fixed.

I would arrange some couple's therapy because one half of the relationship can't unilaterally decide to change the parameters of the whole relationship.

But if DW finds sex repulsive now neither DW nor DH want sex. That's a horrible scenario. If DW does not want sex then sex can't happen. Both people know this.

DH will not look for sex elsewhere. That is untenable for DH so even if DW agreed it will not be an option.

There is no solution is there. I wonder how many people are in this situation.

I would suggest that DH and DW both get counselling, separately and together. Strategies for dealing with life not turning out as you hoped could be developed this way.

Couples therapy is not the answer. Individual therapy for DH might help to crystallise what he truly wants to do, sad as it may be.

Life is too short never to have sex again

I guess it depends on the couple. It's been three years here and all is well

Final destination is divorce.

But why does she find it repulsive?
I can't imagine how hurtful I would find it if my spouse said they found sex with me repulsive! That's a huge statement!

At you have another 30 or 40 years left if you are very lucky. Having another person tell you that you will never be touched intimately again for the rest of your life and you just accepting that is crazy.

DW isn't saying 'I find it repulsive'. It is just obvious that it is all a bit distasteful.

Many menopausal women have expressed that on MN so I don't think it's totally unheard of

I get the impression that for asexual people or people who no longer want sex, it is kind of icky

Is this you? Are you the wife? The husband?