Will a sexless marriage last

[biglipslittleblips]

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If a wife makes it clear that they no longer will be engaging in any sexual activity with their dh but they both love each other as people, could the dh remain happy and faithful? If he would like to have sex and misses it but has no interest in dw having sex when she doesn't want it. Nor would she.

What would be the likely progression of the relationship?

If both parties are happy with the arrangement, yes.

If not, no.

It's the other way around for me. DH had a stroke and lost all sex drive.
We've not had sex for about 6 years.
I'm still faithful and love him.

There are many people in celibate relationships and they're happy. They've both agreed to remain celibate and are still in a loving relationship.

The problem occurs when one person doesn't want to be celibate. It's unlikely that someone with a healthy libido would be happy to remain celibate for life.

The issue I suggest is that the defining characteristic of 'marriage' or a marital relationship is sex.

The problem comes when one party unilaterally decides to end that part of it, either by declaration as above or by not addressing issues they have which stop the couple having sex - see a lot of MN threads.

Clearly I am not including situations where one partner is no longer able to have sex for reasons that cannot be addressed.

In this case I suggest that the woman has decided to end the relationship

If he still desires sex the relationship is doomed to fail.

I couldn't and neither could my partner so it's a no from me.

I think there is a difference between unable and unwilling here.

Due to ill health, my dh has been unable to have sex for over 6 years. I'm faithful to him but I've started to look at other men/couples and wish I was married to a man who could still "perform". It's also the fact that he shows absolutely no interest in sex and doesn't even bother to get close in other ways. I ended up telling the practice nurse at my doctors surgery (who knows us both and is aware of his health problems) and I cringed with embarrassment, as she explained there are other ways to be intimate and I had to admit that he's just not interested at all. It does change the dynamics of a relationship, I feel we are now simply friends.

Are you suggesting that someone should have sex they don't want?

I always wonder that years spent building a domestic base and family, the compromises made, rewards gained and the security that comes from these contributions really hinges on the sexual part. I understand it’s important but a marriage is so fragile when this is its basis.

@Manyindigowings It's the very fact that dh and I have been together all those years, building a home, family etc that prevents us splitting up. That's why I'm not walking away and looking for someone else, even though I'm sad that by staying with him, a sex life is over for me in my early 50s.

As said in my OP, the dh would very much like to have sex. No kids in the picture. Both in their 50s. Sex was never great as dw was never particularly into it but has now formally declared shop has shut for good.
But there is lots of care and compassion. A bit of platonic cuddling sometimes. Best friends.
But never going to ever be sex again. It's already been about 2 years

Sex isn't everything, you've built something great up that you can be proud of.
Many people who jump from relationship to relationship are not happy and they don't create stability for themselves.

People in marriages are allowed to say they don't want to have sex anymore, but if the other party still wants a sex life there are only two options; divorce, or allowing the party who still wants sex, to persue it elsewhere within mutually agreed boundaries.

Those are your options.

Personally, now I know the other side, a complex relationship would always trump sexual intercourse. This what I understand, the act of penetration appears to dominate everything else a marriage represents.

JFC - the misogyny underlying this.

It seems like the relationship has run its course.

It's like an awful catch 22 situation

Love the person.
Don't don't don't want to split.
Don't want to cheat.
Really can't bear the thought of a life of celibacy.

All options end up with misery.

could the dh remain happy and faithful

The only person that knows the answer to this is the DH.

I would expect the person who still has a sex drive to quietly seek a discreet arrangement outside the marriage - probably with a sex worker as no possibility of feelings getting caught. I would expect the other party who no longer wants sex to not go looking for evidence of "cheating", and to accept "I'm off to the gym/for a coffee with a friend/getting a couple of hours overtime" without challenge.

The DH can want a sex life but chose just to sort themselves out and prioritise the relationship over sex.

It depends on a lot really OP on whether the other person is willing to also give up sex even though it's not ideal for them. If not then a discussion on opening up the marriage with clear boundaries would be the next step IMO - but it of course has the potential to get messy - there are unfortunately no easy answers though.

I completely disagree with the idea of the DH going off secretly to cheat and the wife not 'looking for it', it's such a stupid thing to suggest as how the fuck would the wife know to not look for it? Is she just supposed to assume her DH will cheat on her? - and if it comes out at some point unexpectedly as these things tend to it could completely destroy her. She deserves honesty, especially in a long marriage, if nothing else.

I'm assuming you're the DH OP and you have every right to leave the marriage if it is making you unhappy. You don't have the right to lie and cheat though.

Grim.

It depends. If it’s a joint decision, then fine. If it’s through physical inability, then yes. Anything else? Probably not.

Sexless marriages do not last, or people stay together and it breeds deep resentment. People are allowed not to want sex anymore. People are also allowed to want sex, but they aren't allowed to take it when it's not welcome.

So, difficult conversations to be had. Sex isn't everything in a relationship, but if you want it and can't have it, then you have to make a choice. You cannot reasonably expect your wife to want to have sex with you when her libido doesn't exist anymore, and she cannot expect you to turn those feelings off. Impasse.

Which is more important to you? Your life with your wife, or sex?

No. The poster is saying it depends on the cause of the 'no sex'.

For e.g. . I was willing to endure a sexless relationship because my then husband had prostate cancer. The love and compassion and understanding that the situation was out of both our control made it far easier to give up sex.

That would have felt far different had it been that he 'simply wasn't into it' and then unilaterally decided to 'close shop' as the OP puts it. That, fair or not l, would have felt like sexual rejection. In those circumstances I would not give up that part of myself and indeed turn off the other parts of the relationship either gradually or abruptly.