How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

I think telling the truth will get a sympathetic reaction. Better than anything you fabricate. Yes it's quite personal but sometimes honesty is the best policy.

I would be inclined to be honest, but without detail as yo have suggested but lots o fpeople will disagree I suspect.

I agree, just be honest.

Anything else would no doubt be construed as jealousy at the younger woman.

Also, have an alternative. eg "I can't co-facilitate that workshop but I'd love to be on that other panel...." for example.

Honestly? That’s exactly what I’d do.

”Sorry, that won’t be possible. I’m happy to work with anyone other than the woman who’s shagging my husband.”

Agree just be honest and factual.

“X had an affair with my husband and I’m in the process of divorcing as a result. Given this, it wouldn’t be appropriate for us to work closely together at this conference”

they don’t have to “pick you” but you it’s not appropriate for you to be on a speakers panel with her

Yes be honest and factual . Better than risk accusations of discrimination

I agree be honest without details, offer to be involved in a different way that doesn't involve direct collaboration.

Presumably it's just a request, a suggestion, so you have the option to say no.

I think the key is to say it without blaming her as such, e.g unfortunately she is involved in a break of your marriage and it’s not over yet so you prefer to keep your professional relationship less close. Something like this, to avoid any comments on her part that it’s not true.
Also could you suggest someone with a similar “profile” to her you can work with ?

I'd just tell the truth: she is in a relationship with my husband, and that relationship was the cause of our marriage breaking down. I cannot work with her.

I would be honest, this is your career at risk here, so promote yourself. I would go with the dignified involved in the break up of my marriage line rather than shagging my soon to be ex husband. Hold your head high.

Control the narrative! "Sorry but X is having an affair with my husband so no I won't work with her."
If you are magnanimous, professional and undetailed it leaves room for X and her friends to sabotage your career by making up lies about you. You know she is a person of low integrity, don't give her the opportunity to get in first with lies.

As everyone else has said, be honest and tell them the truth.

Potentially they could take the view of not wanting her to do as much in the future, as it wouldn't be a good look for them. Things like this always have a habit of becoming common knowledge in a close knit industry.

I agree.

And I'm sorry you're going through this, OP. You should not have to work with the OW. Good luck in getting it resolved calmly.

Please do this

Agree with the short factual comments. I would also suggest someone else you could come up with as an alternative, ideally another woman or perhaps male ethnic minority.

I agree with previous posters. You have absolutely nothing to hide or be ashamed of so just be honest and factual about the situation.

Personally I wouldn't go into as much details as PP have suggested. I'd say, "she's involved with my ex Husband and so I'd rather not". And let people infer what they want from that. This way you can't be accused of badmouthing etc and if your industry is sensitive to discrimination etc that may be better for you all round

In such industries as 'plumbing' such issues are quite common and so I'd be honest if you absolutely think you can't work with her.

If it was me, after my initial reaction of I CAN'T DO THIS, I'd accept and pull it out the bag as it would show OW that she meant nothing and I have moved on to a higher place and somewhere her actions can no longer hurt me.

Absolutely be honest as to why not.

I am genuinely excited about the day when I can do this but I'm not there yet. It's too recent and too raw.

This ^^

How about "I don't think it is appropriate at this time for me to co-facilitate on this conference as X is already co-facilitating my divorce with my stbx"

I would say "I cannot work with (name). She and my husband had an affair which subsequently broke up my marriage. I won't go into further detail for the sake of remaining professional but I hope you can appreciate that it's not practical or pleasant for us to collaborate."