How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

The way you worded it "because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage" is perfect. It's very unemotional and says all they need to know.

The OW of my ex directly line managed me. We are all gay in case this is confusing. I actually got on better with the OW than the ex for ages. I even felt sorry for her in the end.
Then she left and my ex was my line manager. It was OK I didn't respect her in a personal way but she wasn't awful professionally.
But yes at the moment it all happened it hurt like hell. I totally sympathise with you OP.
Trust me one day you won't care at all.

The thing is, it’s highly likely that the OW didn’t organise any of it. It just so happens they are working on similar subject/project which makes it more likely to bump into each other.

The OP needs to find a way to say at this time wo putting herself in a position where it will be detrimental to her/her goals. Even more so having in front of her someone who is apt at marketing herself.

Say my husband is having an affair with X and it's breaking up my marriage so I can't appear on stage with her.

Don't say "had" an affair or soon to be ex husband. Keep it present tense so they know it is happening right now, that he is still married to you, and this current situation is right now the cause of your marriage breaking up. Otherwise you leave it open for their speculation and interpretation as to whether you are harbouring a years old grudge.

Don't be so professional and generous that you don't say anything Perosnal about her being in the middle of an affair with your husband.

This leaves you wide open and vulnerable to any insinuation, suggestion or even direct accusation that she or anyone else around her might make of you being unprofessional, discriminating or having any other reason to refuse.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is hoping you will pull out. If the event are asking you if she can join you, I would say no. Your husband and her were having an affair and you are currently going through a difficult divorce. Maybe if it had been a year down the line, but right now things are too contentious.

I agree you should explain why.

It would not be appropriate for OW and I to facilitate the session together. I am in the process of a divorce as my husband began a relationship with OW, so I'm sure you will understand why we shouldn't work together at present. I apologise for mentioning something so inherently personal as it wouldn't be my usual style but I felt it best to be honest in the circumstances.

I would be delighted to facilitate with anyone else, I'm very much looking forward to the event.

why do you think you can't do it? Surely its an opportunity to show that you are more knowledgeable than she is.
If you keep doing this then she will end up stealing your career as well.
stop giving away your power to this person.

I don’t think you need to get into anything that sounds as if you are casting aspersions on her, just because you might be judged for doing so.

But just saying: “I would love to be involved in the panel, but for the fact that X is involved in a relationship with my Ex-H. Is another way I could present/facilitate at the event perhaps?”

That way you don’t look bitter and you aren't blaming anyone, you’re just trying to find a solution that works for everyone.

If I were you I’d raise it on the grounds of a conflict of interest - the disclosure will evidence your behaviour as the professional that you are and the truth will exonerate you from any negative fallout. Win-win!

Tell the truth, 100%. That she is OW. Be sure that she is asked to work with Dominic Rose don’t give up your spot.

If you have the phone number of whoever the invite was from, then absolutely call them NOT email. Say "as this is quite sensitive I preferred to call" then use some of the excellent forms of words already suggested eg "I'd love to host/chair the event. Unfortunately, though, X has played an integral role in the break up of my marriage so I'm sure you appreciate it would be rather inappropriate/ insensitive/ traumatic to co-chair with her.".

I liked the previous poster (sorry can't recall name) who said to use 'triggered' and 'trauma' if the person is younger!

This is actually a difficult one.
If the OW is a rising star the employer could prioritize her over OP. OP needs to tread carefully bringing personal circumstances into the work environment.
I think I'd bite my tongue and stay completely professional bringing my A+++ game. Leave it to the OW to play or bow out. If the personal details come out OP would be able to say she wanted to remain professional and keep personal issues out of work. That allows the employer planning time to make decisions about them working together without having to make a quick decision thinking OP might be distressed and not wanting to add to the pressure and not giving her opportunities. The company will always be put first and that could be at the expense of a perceived emotional, bitter, vengeful or broken OP. If it came down to it a happy, perky go-getter will always be moved up.

This.

I would be hones and say that this woman is in relationship with your husband but I wouldn't give too may specific details - that is too much information.

Does a co respondent get named now? I thiught it was all no fault now.

I think it is sufficient and professional to state you cannot work with this due to conflict of interest as she is in a relationship with your husband - no further details.

Be totally and utterly honest. Don’t elaborate too much, but tell them that she had an affair with your husband and he left you for her. They absolutely will understand.

Honesty is the best policy here.

If you are not honest, you will look very flakey.

Don't let the bitch have a negative impact on your career (as well).

Good luck.

I would love to participate in this event however I cannot co-facilitate with X as she is my husbands affair partner which has resulted in the divorce we are currently navigating.
I will be civil if and when we encounter each other but I don't want to be put in a position where I have to cooperate with her at this stage.

‘I am unable to co-facilitate with X, because my husband was involved in a terrible workplace accident where he tripped and fell into her vagina’

In seriousness I would be factual and short as others have said. Good luck to you!

Damn, apparently not!

Why is that?

Do not let this woman take your career opportunities as well as your husband.

Agree you should be honest. She deserves that and I agree people will be sympathetic. I think you saying that she was involved in the break up of your marriage is an absolutely fine thing to say. No frills, no lies, nothing shared other than the simple facts. You could offer to still participate alone or even better suggest someone else you would really like to do it with. You sound very strong- I take my hat off to you. Lots of luck if you do the speaking event! X

Just phone the organiser with a solution. Just say,

'I can't work with Sandra. She's having an affair with my husband and it would be awkward and inappropriate for us to co-facilitate anything other than the divorce. It might be better if you can find another slot for her. I tell you who would be great though - Phyllis from BoilersRUs. She has some great ideas about phlangenuts. Shall I give her a call?'