How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

Understandable. Also, the whole thing really is that the OW can only be presumed not to give a toss about how OP feels so it'd be a load of hassle for what purpose..

Sorry OP, it all just sucks for this to happen and it now directly affecting your career too. Just do self-preservation for the moment. Another vote here for succinctly telling them why it wouldn't be appropriate. They will understand.

Good idea to add 'for now' - you would sound very reasonable and it wouldn't lodge as a permanent foundation for all future offers.

But if you position it as she is the cause of the affair then I think it will also come across badly. Because, frankly it isnt just her it was him too. Outside mumsnet people are less interested in this sort of thing.

Conference organisers usually don't care why you can't do something just want to know soonest so they can make other arrangements. They are dealing with changes to agenda etc all the time. It's their job.

What a rotten position to be in OP. Sorry if someone else has already asked this, but is there a chance that OW will get in first and say she cannot co-facilitate with you? The right thing for her to do would be to bow out for a fabricated reason that is related to her and her only, saving your face and giving you the stage.

But you might want to be on your guard for her making up some shit about you, so probably best to get in quick and tell the truth.

Agree with all the suggestions of a succinct but honest response. You don't need to apologise or explain yourself any further than the basic facts.

Dear XXX

Unfortunately, that isn't going to work for me. XXX is in a relationship with my husband and instrumental in the breakdown of my marriage/current divorce proceedings.

I am really keen to keep being an advocate for our sector and would be delighted to co-host with literally anyone else.

Regards
XXX

I think this is a very good way to phrase it

Probably not entirely true given the route your divorce will actually take, but I would be tempted to phrase it (verbally, per other posters) along the lines of, "given the likelihood of OW being named as co-respondent in my ongoing divorce petition I'm afraid I don't think it is feasible that we co-present at this point in time".

Puts it on an undeniably legal, professional footing, gives a good non-emotional justification for the side-step and tells anyone who cares to spend 10 seconds Googling exactly what they've been up to!

You have to ensure that the person/persons who have asked you and who will receive your message can find a way out of what has been already agreed before it being suggested to you and OW for your approval.
Do you know if OW has agreed to do it already?

However, if it’s impossible for you to work with her for now, then yes, the best way is to accept the risk and be honest but brief. Arrange to meet the person who asked, and tell him/her your professional position for this year.

Then send a message thanking them for considering you, saying how excited the proposition is for the future, telling them how much you are looking forward to speaking at the conference but that for this year, due to personal reasons explained and accepted by …….., you are sadly unable to co facilitate with Ms OW. Suggest another person you could facilitate with if possible and how you have successfully worked together in the past.

The only other way through this, even if it’s possible, is to suggest a third professional of your choosing to work between you and OW to minimise face to face contact.

I really hope this works out for the best for you OP.

Is there anyone else at work who knows the situation? If so I'd ask them to decline for you so don't come across as unprofessional

Just be honest OP. I work in HR and we’ve had staff confide that they can’t do xyz for similar reasons. It’s fine. We owe them a duty of care too.

I agree with PP. Be calm, factual and honest and say that given the personal dynamics at play it would be awkward for you and for attendees who are aware of the situation.

The audacity of these people who think they can behave like this, destroy peoples marriages but then expect everyone to just get on as normal! It’s gross. I’m sorry you’re in this position- I’d be honest and tell them exactly what you put in your post. Good luck

This⬆️ because you are also cleverly putting the blame on stbxh for the affair not her, so you can't be accused of anything.

"Considering X had an affair with my husband which has lead to our impending divorce, I don't believe we could co-facilitate effectively.

Please do let me know if you want me to still appear on the panel.

Regards,

Y."

And fuck her. Did it to herself.

I would absolutely be honest in this situation. It's not remotely unreasonable for you to avoid doing this. Out of interest, do you know what her reaction has been?

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I've also walked this shitty mile and I completely understand where you're coming from. You'll get there

It's not your job to keep their dirty secret. It affects your work so tell the truth.

Tricky. She may have already been asked and may be fine with it- or they may take your info and tell her. They may also select her over you.

So, I would say 'i'd love to co-facilitate with X (a person i chose). On a personal note, I am currently going though divorce proceedings with stbxh and am minimising contact with him (and OW) until the divorce goes though. Hope that works for you. '

Changed it around a bit

Agree, be honest. Any shame is theirs, not yours.

I definitely prefer: "My husband had an affair with X and I’m in the process of divorcing as a result. Given this, it wouldn’t be appropriate for us to work closely together at this conference."

@palepinkmermaid is right.

You won't get sympathy, you might on the surface but people don't care really and will just see it as drama. My exh was unfaithful btw and I'm not trying to be cruel but you'll be the one who suffers if you don't do this. Hold your head up and don't let them see your pain. This is for you and your career, if you don't do this you are the one stopping yourself. Don't hang your coat on victimhood, feel the hurt but let it spur you on, not hold you back. The best revenge is a life well lived.

@LostOnTheWayToManderley OP isn't wanting them to necessarily drop OW from the programme. She just doesn't want to do a workshop with her. There's a big difference between participating at the same event, and running a section of it together.

Just tell them she was fucking your H when you were married … am sure they will understand the situation clearly.
Sorry this has happened to you and it’s very awkward that it affects your professional life but it’s not your fault.

Yes, I would be totally honest.
I don’t think anyone would be able to work with the OW, so everyone will totally understand.

Of course you can't work with her. Totally out of the question.