How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

I like what lots of other posters have suggested. I want to throw into the ring the use of the word "appropriate".

"I'm sorry, she had an affair with my husband, the repercussions of which are still ongoing, so obviously it wouldn't be appropriate.

I'm confident in presenting this alone, but if you'd prefer it to be co-facilitated, how about X person? She is doing some interesting work on sink valves which I think would sit very well with my presentation on the challenges of carbon fibre sinks in small bathrooms.

I agree. Tell the truth in an adult and calm manner.

This. Simply brilliant, honest yet professional.

Tell the truth.

@VelociraptorsVelociRapping I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

Not at all, it's a very honest response and it makes total sense as to why you don't want to work with her. You won't come out as flaky or unprofessional but as someone who is going through grieve on her marriage. Don't bad mouth her by any means, just get to the point politely. Most probably word will spread and you will no longer be booked with her.

Yep, honesty. 'She is having an affair with my husband and it has resulted in divorce proceedings which are still ongoing. It would not be appropriate to collaborate with her on this event'

The bitch in me would also be hoping this makes her look like a horrible person to this 'plumbing group' and it affects her professional reputation as a result.

I think I'd probably start with 'are you aware of our recent history?' It's a small enough field that they probably do know.

If they say yes you can then follow with 'then I am sure you will understand why it would be inappropriate for us to co-facilitate at this event'.

If they say no you can give a brief précis and end with the same closing paragraph.

That way you only disclose if you absolutely have to.

Or you could go full gossip-mode and say 'she can't breach the restraining order so that won't work!'. I'm not saying do this, but I'm not not saying that either...

I agree with this.

i think you have to be honest even if you need to package it up professionally “involved in ending my marriage and so far as I’m aware is in a relationship/living with with my husband” is ample information . I think most people would be sympathetic.

I agree with PP that basic facts and honesty are required. TemuSpecialBuy has it spot on and if you don't use those exact words, you should definitely use the words "not appropriate" in whatever you do say and keep it very simple, no personal/nasty comments so that you stay professional.

the other option is try to just be professional be polite and think of the advantages for your career etc ?

I think this or the way you worded it yourself in OP is perfect.

I agree that the truth is your best option here, but without finger pointing or accusations - even though they might be justified.

I would also be specific that it would be inappropriate for you to work closely and directly with her at this time - this shows a possible willingness to work directly with her in the future (though this might just be kicking the can down the road), and it leaves the door open for you and she to work collaboratively but not closely in the meantime if needs be.

I agree with everyone else. Tell them with no detail beyond she broke up your marriage.
If you don’t, she might end up saying she can’t work with you, but make up damaging lies about you as a reason. Get in there first.

Ive said nothing about someone (in different circumstances to you) and had lies spread about me instead. So now I always choose speaking up.

Or you could say you'd rather present alone on the grounds that you don't want to be lumped with another woman as it might look like tokenism - 'let's put all the girlies together'. That way you're not saying you'll work with 'anyone but her'. Because even if you give your very good reason to the organiser, OW might in future be all disingenuous, like, 'My goodness, I don't know why @VelociraptorsVelociRapping wouldn't work with me, can you think of a reason...?!'

I worked in an industry where there would often be a 'let's celebrate women!' event, but they would often be given a less-popular slot or be regarded as a 'token' event that people could miss... 😡

I pick this one 😅

Yes. I’d go with this one. And also don’t overestimate the rigidity if the event schedule— they don’t have to ‘drop’ either of you, they can move things about to create different talks.

I'd be truthful in whatever way you feel you can say it. Why should you miss out?

I'd say something that makes it clear you have a valid reason, without making a direct accusation. Something like "unfortunately, for personal reasons relating to the breakdown/dissolution of my marriage, I am unable to work with X. I look forward to hosting the other work related event" (whatever that was!)

and if she tries that one, the organiser will actually "be able to think of a reason" I am guessing that the rumours are already out there, I see no reason for her to need to lie.

its not an accusation, its stating a verifiable fact.

Just to agree with everyone else in keeping it short and factual - people will be quietly sympathetic and understanding.

Best wishes for your future personal life, and your 'plumbing' career!

It's mortifying to let out personal information at work but you have the upper hand here as it's not like you are the one shagging someone's DH!

I'd quietly let the organiser know and then let the OW squirm when she finds out you're not working together because you told them her dirty secret. Put it in a simple email just stating the facts.

Dear Susan, thank you so much for inviting me to speak at the event. I am really looking forward to being a part of the day. Unfortunately I am very sorry to tell you that because of personal reasons relating to the breakdown of my marriage I am unable to co-facilitate the session per your suggestion. I am however very happy to contribute to the event in another way.
Best wishes
OP

A great revenge actually but I'm petty like that😁

Tell them she shagged your husband while you were still married to him, and that you will facilitate the event, but not with her.

I think they'll be quite sympathetic to you.

I had an interview once and the interviewer asked me why I left a well paid job with great benefits and lots of travel. I said very simply “my H worked in the same dept and had an affair with someone else in the department, so it became untenable for me unfortunately to continue there”. I got the job.

I think honesty would work in your case too. It won’t reflect badly on you, if you just present the basic words in a calm and matter of fact way. If it reflects badly on her, that’s tough shit isn’t it.