How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

I agree with others, better to be honest than risk your own career. @TemuSpecialBuy s response is a good one as is your own suggestion. I might even be tempted to explain that, adding something like

"I considered whether it was appropriate to tell you this, as i appreciate it is personal information and would not want you to feel awkward, however honesty is important to me, and I also would not want to risk any misinterpretation about any other reasons I might have for not wanting to work with X."

I’m torn. I absolutely get why you cannot share a stage or any space with OW. But it’s not the event organiser’s problem and you put them in a tricky position.

Do you want to speak and they drop her? They can’t do that, the issue is nothing to do with anyone’s professional life and she hasn’t ‘come into disrepute’ in the plumbing sector. (I do agree she hasn’t behaved well at all and why shouldn’t she be ‘shamed’ for it - but ‘work world’ probably won’t care as much as the ‘human moral world’.)

If you want to take part and present another part of the event, just say that and don’t go into reasons why you can’t do the panel.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but this is essentially a personal issue between the two of you and should be kept out of the plumbing profession as far as possible.

I wish you all the strength for the day you can stand on the same stage and not give a damn as she means nothing to you.

This is the same couple who announced their new couple status on LinkedIn and got loads of nice congratulatory messages from people who knew full well he'd been living in your house 4 weeks earlier?

It sounds like there's a socially convenient narrative that he had left you and they got together after that, so my concern about you telling the truth is that she will counter with great sadness that you seem to want to blame her for the end of your marriage and how disappointing it is etc etc etc. <hints that @VelociraptorsVelociRapping is some tearful harridan who can't let go>

It sounds as if you want to speak but not co-facilitate, so I like a previous poster's idea of suggesting someone else, and a firm refusal. If I had to guess, she's orchestrated this as nothing would sell the myth of a civilised, no-fault breakup like the wife and the mistress sharing a stage at an industry conference.

So sorry about this, OP.

I would be clear but brief and not terribly detailed. I would also add the phrase ‘In confidence’. Not that there is a cat’s chance in hell.

Say 'unfortunately I can't work with OW as she recently had an affair with my husband and it's very raw at the moment-I'd lvoe to facilitate but I'm
Not able to work with her. Fully understand if you would like to withdraw the offer'. And leave it at that

Yes, factual is best. Something like

There isn't any polite way to decline this wonderful opportunity that can't be read unfavourably, so I can only let you know that as she was involved in the demise of my very recent marriage break up it would be too soon for me to wisely consider anything except a little distance from this person for the foreseeable future. Thank you for the invitation.

I'm unable to co-facilitate with OW for personal reasons it would be inappropriate however other suitable person and I have done similar together in the past and I'd be delighted to co-facilitate with them, or I'm looking forward to delivering my talk.

@Schoolchoicesucks that's good.

Be dignified, be honest and be professional. She will probably be scared about what you might say with regard to her affair with your husband.

Good advice and phrasing on here OP. I would only add…”at this time” because it prevents someone thinking maybe saying next year or next five years “oh they can’t work together”. THIS has happened to everyone in some way…them their sibling their friends their child. Everyone will be empathetic. I have had to do this twice in volunteer positions in my son’s school. I called the woman in charge directly explained how uncomfortable and painful it was for me. Complete understanding and often compassion. I showed up early did the work avoided her with the greyest of grey wall and it all worked out. MN always advises boundaries and this is a boundary you need right now. This too shall pass. My sympathies I had to be around new wife (not OW altho there were those too) for many years as children same age. From 5 yrs old until 22 (uni same also). Of course they are divorced now😉

@LostOnTheWayToManderley it's not true that OP has put them in a tricky position. They asked her to speak, she said yes, and that still stands. They have now asked her to also co-facilitate with someone else. She can say no. They can re-think how they want to day to go.

OP I would definitely give the true reason. No one would question your reluctance to work with the person who is shagging your husband. But if you're vague about your reasons they might question your commitment.

"personal reasons" makes it sound like you maybe argued because you once wore the same dress to a function, or you fell out over something equally petty. It also leads to endless speculation about what those reasons might be.

I mean if she goes into all the personal details, the organiser will be in a tricky position - should they drop OW in favour of OP? On what professional grounds?

Like I said, I’m torn as I have genuine sympathy for OP’s predicament and I would want the world to know exactly why. I like to hope I would have the grace to rise above it. I probably wouldn’t.

I'd be honest and with as much dignity and as little emotion as you can, say: I would love to co-facilitate this event but unfortunately I can't with X as she was instrumental in the break up of my marriage. I'd happily co-facilitate with ...' (mention a handful of suitable names who you know will be at or would happily work at the plumbing conference and fit the diversity brief.)

I would be very interested to see whether they pick her or you to facilitate that group once you've explained.

Of course you say the reason you can't work with her. It's the truth I'd certainly not judge you in any way.

Don’t cover for her shitty behaviour and character, or your STBEX dickhead. Tell the organisers exactly why you won’t work with her. Tell everyone that inquires. Shitty cheating cunts don’t deserve any protection.

I would go with this, factual and unemotional, it is a very dignified concise way to explain. Also means you are not turning down your original offer, just the request to work with the OW.

I would be honest and factual, not being honest will likely reflect badly on you, who will be seen as refusing to work with her for no good reason. Being honest will reflect badly on STBXH and OW. But make the focus about your STBXH’s affair (not the OW).

”Unfortunately this would not be appropriate. I have recently discovered that my STBX began an affair with Y which has led to divorce proceedings. I would be more than happy to work with anybody else on this, perhaps (mention 3-5 other names, including some who may also be from underrepresented groups) might be available.”

You could just say that unfortunately due to your personal connection it wouldn't be ethical. Anything else could just get awkward and make professional connections looking like you are expecting them to pick sides and it could affect your work. Then if people decided to force the issue or did that's on them

But ultimately it's not that factual and unemotional. It's specufying "x had an affair" ... as if it was all her and not his fault! He's the one who was married after all.

I were a conference organiser I'd be a bit uncomfortable with all of this. Just saying "involved with" keeps it neutral.

I get asked to speak at lots of events, usually it's a negotiation around what you do. I don't like certain formats so I'm happy to say that quite clearly. OP just needs to let them know that this format isn't going to work for her and that she's still happy to speak or do another panel. The conference organisers will be used to this kind of thing.

I agree with this. When I suggested being slightly vague, I meant that you should be clear in not-graphic language that OW and your ex broke up your marriagr

This sums it up beautifully and professionally. It clearly states that X’s actions are the problem and quite rightly it wouldn’t be appropriate for you to work together given the circumstances.

id probably throw in at the start that you would love to facilitate, but “insert what Temu said here”

I agree with honestly and professionally explaining that she was involved in your ongoing v recent marriage breakup and you aren’t able yet to work closely with her.

I would also try to do this verbally as it’s quite a personal thing to mention and while I wouldn’t mind people talking about it - in fact I’d be quite happy that people knew her role - I don’t think I’d want an email from me explaining this circulated around.

TemuSpecialBuy's tone is good. Maybe even suggest an alternative. "So it's not appropriate for X to be my co chair but do you know Y?" ideally someone even younger and more up-and-coming who can be your protegé

I agree with this. If you can do it over the phone I would do that instead. Nothing in writing.