How to decline working with the OW

[VelociraptorsVelociRapping]

Sorry - just realised that my phone autocorrected the title and I can't edit now I've posted. It should read OW, not OP.

I have posted before about STBXH and OW, who work in the same industry as me. I work in a different organisation to them (they met at work) but the sector is relatively small and there is a lot of inter-organisation networking and collaboration. All of this is voluntary and external to our employers so there is no HR or similar. In my last thread I pretended that we were all in plumbing so I may as well stick with that.

The current issue is this - there are various plumbing-related events in our area, and before STBXH left me I was starting to make a bit of a name for myself as a speaker in local networks. I want to continue to do this if at all possible. OW is a very effective self-publicist and although she is younger and more junior than me she is quite well-known and established as a voice for ‘women in plumbing’. She has some very influential friends in the industry. She is also from an ethnic group which is under-represented in the sector and vocal in networks for this group.

There are a few big events coming up and I have been approached to speak. At one of the events, to which I have already said yes, I’ve now been asked if OW and I would co-facilitate. I cannot work with her. It is as simple as that. The question is what I tell the organisers. If I simply say that I won’t work with her, and refuse to elaborate, I leave myself open to accusations of prejudice (our sector is VERY sensitive to the appearance of any discrimination). If I back out of the event altogether I risk an influential group of people thinking that I am flaky or unreliable, and frankly I don't think I should have to miss out on this opportunity just because she is shagging my STBXH.

I want to tell them very simply that I cannot work with her because she was involved in the break-up of my marriage, with no further details. Is this a terrible idea?

Read the last update.

Bravo @VelociraptorsVelociRapping - that was beautifully handled.

I disagree with those who say it’s washing your dirty laundry in public. There’s a way of imparting the very bare facts with no emotion or gossip that is dignified.

Until I went freelance, I was also a senior manager. And someone who calmly informed me of the facts would go up in my estimation. It would show me they can handle difficult situations and could confidently communicate sensitive information. If you’d barrelled in screeching insults about the OW, that would be something else - but to calmly explain that it wouldn’t be appropriate to co-facilitate as she was involved in the breakdown of your marriage is mature and professional. It would also be helpful for me to know so I could ensure I didn’t accidentally make the same mistake of pairing you together again.

Hopefully the grapevine will do its job and word will get around that she’s a sleazy home-wrecker and not the champion of women that she purports to be…..

Error. Post below.

This is quite a dated view IMHO.

Compassionate leadership is the way forward. These qualities were displayed by the conference organisers in their discussions with the OP.
I hope the plumbing conference goes well. If your branch of plumbing is a small one, then one hopes that the delegates now see Susan in a new light.

It's not Veloceraptors dirty linen it's Susan Leaky Bogs.

You’re a professional woman? Working now? Are you sure about that?

I think you might be telling porkies or you’re a professional dinosaur who apparently doesn’t require competent SPAG in their profession

Just tell them the truth. Add in some dates too. Did she know you and the fact that you were married to the "super" guy she. Don't go into big details but give it some tangible facts. Definitely just tell the truth.

Omg I wish people would read the OP's updates. It's easy to do. There is a button at the top that allows you to just see the OP's posts. OP will be presenting. OW has withdrawn.

Or has been in Susan's position!

I would never, ever say something this personal in a work context. I think it would be a particularly big mistake to say anything like this whilst you’re still feeling raw - it’s really very likely you’ll think you’re being restrained but you’re not, and that you’ll regret it later when you are no longer feeling so terrible.

I’m actually very surprised how many people are claiming they’d make a statement about their personal life like this. I wonder how many genuinely would.

I was about to say I’d be hoping the OW would step down!

^^THIS

Edit. Failure to RTFF. Apologies.

Yes it's fine to tell the truth. But don't go into details or start slagging her off any further (however much that might be deserved). Just that you can't collaborate on any activity with her as she was part of the breakup of your marriage and leave it at that. Any more would be massively unprofessional.

op's updates are in a different colour, ffs! Or you can press 'see all'. MN literally could not make it any easier!
the insane arrogance of being so eager to post your amazing, world-shattering, innovative view on a thread that is EIGHT DAYS OLD that you can't even bother to take a minute to check that things haven't moved on in that time and you're asking a question that has been answered a week ago?

I was watching the old film Cluny Brown yesterday, where Jennifer Jones is a housemaid who wants to be a plumber. It reminded me of this thread- I hope your conference went well Op, you're a heroine for handling the situation w such strength & dignity. Hopefully most sensible people will start seeing Leaky-Bog & your STBXH in a new light..